New Annoying Coworker and Federal Conspiracies

I’m going to channel my inner Sophie Patrillo, so here I go……

Picture it,  a random state university somewhere in Texas.  It’s 7:05am and I’m the only one in the office,  I’m sitting quietly reading blogs that I follow since technically I don’t start work until 7:30am.  I’m letting my cappuccino (that I made myself) cool a bit because it’s hawt AF.  I’m enjoying the quiet of the office, no one here but me and the two ghosts that reside here.

All of a sudden, from the hallway I hear stirrings of some sort, I wonder and dismiss whatever it was and go back to reading River’s blog about how beautiful Maine is in the fall (sooooo jelly right now that I’m not in Maine).  Then I hear it again, only this time………..IT TALKS!!!!

Yes, literally like fucking sandpaper….

It says, in a creepy Kermit the Frog voice “can you please open my office door?  I don’t have a key yet and I’m here extra early to set up my stuff.”   It’s the new “coworker” they hired to replace Female Sheldon.   I’m not one bit exaggerating when I say she sounds like a female version of Kermit the Frog.  Now I told myself on my 50^th birthday a couple of weeks ago that I was going to really try and be nice, and I mean nice in general because I can come off as somewhat of a bitch (so I’ve been told).

So I look up at Kermit and without saying a word, I leave my office and walk across the hallway to open the main office then her office door.  She has boxes and boxes of crap and I wondered how she was going to fit all that crap into a tiny little office.  She’s getting Female Sheldon’s original office before they moved her up to the 3^rd floor near the labs.  Female Kermit has been here for two weeks already, yep two weeks and she’s just now settling in.  Not only does she have the voice of a Muppet, she’s an older lady (yes older than I am) who worked at my old university in the same office as my director.  HHmmm? Does that seem kind of fishy or what?

AND she got hired just as one of my friends from the other university sent me an article from the local newspaper about how the Feds are investigating the office of sponsored projects (where Female Kermit previously worked at before she got hired here) at the other university for mismanagement of grant funds.  Now boys and girls, that shit isn’t anything to laugh at, when the federal government pulls an audit/investigation for mismanagement of federal funding that’s some serious shit.  Especially when a distinguished alumni (NASA astronaut) brought that grant to the university.

When our office was told that they had hired someone to replace FS, we were all like, okay that’s cool, fast but cool.  Then they told us who it was and where she was coming from JP and myself were like WHAT THE LITERAL FUCK!?!?!  That’s because I had forwarded to JP the article that I had received from my friend that works at the other university a week before we were told who they had hired.  You see, there are only four people in that office and when our director told us about their “strategic” hire, she also mentioned that this person had turned in (and I quote) “Over 214 federal proposals” last year.  Now, as a research administrator it’s nearly impossible to turn in THAT many federal proposals and not fuck up at least a half dozen.  Especially if you’re working on them all alone.

You see where I’m going with this y’all?  So I’m wondering if this bitch jumped ship before the feds began asking questions about her involvement in the mismanagement of those grant funds.  And whether or not my director knew about this and threw her the lifesaver from our ship to pull her aboard?  This is highly suspect and JP (only other sane coworker) and I have been questioning this hire since we found out.

Here is the reporters Facebook post on the same story that was printed in the local paper, read and judge for yourselves.  That only adds to my perception of Female Kermit, as soon as I met her she rubbed me the wrong way.  Her high pitched baby Kermit voice, she’s so overly nice it’s nauseating, and she sits in her office clearing her goddamned throat all day I can hear it from across the hall!  She sounds like she digging for clams, and JP’s office is right next to hers.  He instant messages me with his constant aggravation about her “bodily” noises.

She really does sound like a child, her mentality is that of a child despite being a grown married woman with grown kids, FML.  She has a nervous laugh so she’s laughing all the fucking time!  We had a luncheon last week and as we sat eating and talking she was clearing her throat the entire time.  JP had to text me to calm down before I said anything, everyone else was acting normal, like they didn’t hear it.  I was so annoyed by the time I came back to my office I had to go outside and sit under the trees in the garden to calm the fuck down.

So, in short our office hired another annoying coworker who is coming from a department in another state university that might or might not be involved in mishandling of federal funds, who talks like baby Kermit, clears her throat to the point I want to strangle her, and because of all this I can hardly stand to look or talk to her!  Yes I might sound petty, and I never thought I’d say this but I actually miss Female Sheldon!  Ugh, kill me now!

I wonder if there are any universities in Maine that are hiring Research Administrators?

Until next time remember, chin up, solider on and watch your back!

The Huntress 915