New Annoying Coworker and Federal Conspiracies

I’m going to channel my inner Sophie Patrillo, so here I go……

Picture it,  a random state university somewhere in Texas.  It’s 7:05am and I’m the only one in the office,  I’m sitting quietly reading blogs that I follow since technically I don’t start work until 7:30am.  I’m letting my cappuccino (that I made myself) cool a bit because it’s hawt AF.  I’m enjoying the quiet of the office, no one here but me and the two ghosts that reside here.

Work ghost

All of a sudden, from the hallway I hear stirrings of some sort, I wonder and dismiss whatever it was and go back to reading River’s blog about how beautiful Maine is in the fall (sooooo jelly right now that I’m not in Maine).  Then I hear it again, only this time………..IT TALKS!!!!

Sandpaper Voice meme
Yes, literally like fucking sandpaper….

It says, in a creepy Kermit the Frog voice “can you please open my office door?  I don’t have a key yet and I’m here extra early to set up my stuff.”   It’s the new “coworker” they hired to replace Female Sheldon.   I’m not one bit exaggerating when I say she sounds like a female version of Kermit the Frog.  Now I told myself on my 50th birthday a couple of weeks ago that I was going to really try and be nice, and I mean nice in general because I can come off as somewhat of a bitch (so I’ve been told).

So I look up at Kermit and without saying a word, I leave my office and walk across the hallway to open the main office then her office door.  She has boxes and boxes of crap and I wondered how she was going to fit all that crap into a tiny little office.  She’s getting Female Sheldon’s original office before they moved her up to the 3rd floor near the labs.  Female Kermit has been here for two weeks already, yep two weeks and she’s just now settling in.  Not only does she have the voice of a Muppet, she’s an older lady (yes older than I am) who worked at my old university in the same office as my director.  HHmmm? Does that seem kind of fishy or what?

Almost Killed a Coworker Today

AND she got hired just as one of my friends from the other university sent me an article from the local newspaper about how the Feds are investigating the office of sponsored projects (where Female Kermit previously worked at before she got hired here) at the other university for mismanagement of grant funds.  Now boys and girls, that shit isn’t anything to laugh at, when the federal government pulls an audit/investigation for mismanagement of federal funding that’s some serious shit.  Especially when a distinguished alumni (NASA astronaut) brought that grant to the university.

When our office was told that they had hired someone to replace FS, we were all like, okay that’s cool, fast but cool.  Then they told us who it was and where she was coming from JP and myself were like WHAT THE LITERAL FUCK!?!?!  That’s because I had forwarded to JP the article that I had received from my friend that works at the other university a week before we were told who they had hired.  You see, there are only four people in that office and when our director told us about their “strategic” hire, she also mentioned that this person had turned in (and I quote) “Over 214 federal proposals” last year.  Now, as a research administrator it’s nearly impossible to turn in THAT many federal proposals and not fuck up at least a half dozen.  Especially if you’re working on them all alone.

You see where I’m going with this y’all?  So I’m wondering if this bitch jumped ship before the feds began asking questions about her involvement in the mismanagement of those grant funds.  And whether or not my director knew about this and threw her the lifesaver from our ship to pull her aboard?  This is highly suspect and JP (only other sane coworker) and I have been questioning this hire since we found out.

favoritism

Here is the reporters Facebook post on the same story that was printed in the local paper, read and judge for yourselves.  That only adds to my perception of Female Kermit, as soon as I met her she rubbed me the wrong way.  Her high pitched baby Kermit voice, she’s so overly nice it’s nauseating, and she sits in her office clearing her goddamned throat all day I can hear it from across the hall!  She sounds like she digging for clams, and JP’s office is right next to hers.  He instant messages me with his constant aggravation about her “bodily” noises.

She really does sound like a child, her mentality is that of a child despite being a grown married woman with grown kids, FML.  She has a nervous laugh so she’s laughing all the fucking time!  We had a luncheon last week and as we sat eating and talking she was clearing her throat the entire time.  JP had to text me to calm down before I said anything, everyone else was acting normal, like they didn’t hear it.  I was so annoyed by the time I came back to my office I had to go outside and sit under the trees in the garden to calm the fuck down.

this-is-how-you-end-a-conversation-with-that-annoying-13872839

So, in short our office hired another annoying coworker who is coming from a department in another state university that might or might not be involved in mishandling of federal funds, who talks like baby Kermit, clears her throat to the point I want to strangle her, and because of all this I can hardly stand to look or talk to her!  Yes I might sound petty, and I never thought I’d say this but I actually miss Female Sheldon!  Ugh, kill me now!

I wonder if there are any universities in Maine that are hiring Research Administrators?

Until next time remember, chin up, solider on and watch your back!

The Huntress 915

Published by thehuntress915

My life has been a lot like the movie Bridget Jones Diary (the Hispanic version) constant comedic struggles and life lessons learned by way of personal experience. I've survived divorce and online dating debacles, so tag along for the ride and lets laugh together.

32 thoughts on “New Annoying Coworker and Federal Conspiracies

  1. Go to the hunting and fishing department of you local store that has such a department. Purchase some ear plugs. Wear them and concoct some medical story about why you need to have them in your ears all the time. Or noise cancelling headphones if you want to spend more.

    Liked by 4 people

      1. I use those to sleep, because my 33 yr old son who lives with me play Call of Duty and yells at his tv. Cherish those children of yours Jason, because one day you might want to duct tape them from head to toe and leave them in your closet, lol.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I appreciate the fact that you have these people down there so that the rest of us don’t have to. I did occasionally work for a guy who had a throat thing, but more like a tic than a full on mucusy throat clearing thing. It was still plenty annoying. Don’t know how his wife and kids dealt with it. Wonder if he did it in his sleep, too? The noise cancelling headphones are a good idea.
    Maine would be nice, but winter is coming. If you’ve been in Texas a while you may not understand “winter.” It does weed out a lot of the riff raff, though.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I am dying here. Female Kermit sounds like a real fun time! I always wonder with coworkers like that, where they seem repellent in every regard, yet you find out they’re married and have kids. I always just sit there in amazement at the notion that anybody would commit to spend their lives with that person when I can hardly stand being in the same room with them at work. Imagine having to sleep with them?!! Shudder.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. So can your new coworker at least play the banjo and sing “Rainbow Connection”? If you can get her to do that it might at least stop the throat clearing for a while. Or put out the word that there are some FBI agents in the building. I bet she moved so much crap into her office because she’s afraid to go home because of who might be looking for her.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. She’s been here almost three weeks and hasn’t done one work related thing other than set up her office and annoy everyone else with stupid questions. I’m sure her old institution knows where she went, so maybe that investigation will hit our front door. I’ll keep you posted.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Well someone needs to go all Miss Piggy on her then and slap her over the head with their purse….. or maybe (clearing my throat) something a bit heavier.

    I’m sure the eventual federal raid once they track her down will be a delight….

    Liked by 1 person

  6. In all the places I’ve worked, I don’t recall any annoying co-workers. Asshole bosses? Yes. I’ve had those. Don’t think I could put up with throat-clearing like that. She needs to keep some cough drops on hand at all times. Maybe you get her a package as a office-warming gift or a book about how to survive prison. Cuz if she goes to prison, that throat-clearing thing, presumably, is going to get her in a world of hurt. Mona

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You really can’t catch a break, can you? It would be nice to get to work with normal, non-annoying people for a change, I’m sure! You remind me so much of myself! I get annoyed so easily with other people, it makes me question my sanity. I mean, every time I go out someone annoyed the literaly fuck out of me and I just want to drop kick them off the planet! Good luck with Baby Kermit, my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you my friend, and I feel that same way all the damned time. I don’t know what happened? I use to be so calm and chill in my youth and now I feel like the Latina version of Madea. 🤣😂😝

      Like

  8. LOL I like her already—if only because she got you back to blogging like you! I don’t know why I enjoy reading your coworker eants so much, but I find them wildly entertaining. And then I feel guilty for liking them so much because I know how annoyed you have to get to be driven to write a blog post about it in the first place. So, sorry for you, but happy for me? LOL

    Liked by 1 person

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