Lets Talk About Weird Co-Workers…….Part II

In the office where I work we have a wide variety of personalities and that makes for interesting conversations, very interesting conversations.  For instance, we have “Jack the Knife” a woman who works in our compliance division who only shows up when there’s food, hence why we call her Jack the Knife (her name is Jackie).  She comes by knowing (miraculously) when food is around.  She then proceeds in piling her plate sky high with whatever freebies there are and then locks herself in her office never to be seen again until the next food-venture.  I walked by her office one day and saw piles of paper and ceramic plates with half eaten food all over her desk and credenza.  We, myself and the Lead Budget Analyst who works in our office get a kick out of the almost comical characters we deal with.  He’s probably the only normal person (aside from myself, I saw that stop it!) and we get along great.  He has a wicked sense of humor and always manages to make me laugh, so we kind of came up with different nicknames for some of the “colorful” people that work with us, Jack the Knife being one of many.

Other than Female Sheldon and Jack the Knife we have a director who is a nice lady, I should day girl because she’s younger than I am, but she has issues, and we’ve christened her “PigPen.”  She is a PhD and is a nice person to work with but there was something I couldn’t quite figure out about her and one day another coworker from another department gave me some insight about PigPen.  She said she use to work in this department but up on the third floor in the research lab.  She told me “whatever you do, do NOT stand close to PigPen” and of course being the person I am I asked her why?  She said PegPen adheres to the Halley Barry school of hair-care and doesn’t wash her hair but a couple of times a month.  My friend told me that PigPen has really curly hair and has to straighten it out, so another reason why she doesn’t wash her hair often.  Ewwww, just ewwww……

Which would explain why every time I was standing behind or even remotely close to her I could smell something close to wet dog or wet trash.  She’s part of the “No-Poo” movement not shampooing her hair on a regular basis because it stays healthier and is better for your scalp, it keeps the essential oils and all that bullshit.  This No-Poo movement is not something I would partake in because I wash my hair every day, and my hair doesn’t mess with me too much. I use what I have to, to keep it as clean and healthy as possible.  So now I steer clear of PigPen at every possible chance because I don’t think she realized that her habit of not washing her hair is causing a stink, literally and I’m not the only one who’s noticed.  The budget analyst (who I’m going to call JP) walked into the kitchen this morning and PigPen was in there heating up her breakfast and he walks up to me and says “Is the garbage disposal clogged up again, because it stinks” and I just shrugged my shoulders and left the kitchen.  That’s how bad is smells.  This woman is a director in our department, a PhD, she deals with people all day long smelling like wet dog.

I wonder how much she thinks everyone around her don’t notice how bad her hair really stinks?  I mean why would you put your coworkers through that?  It’s common sense that when you don’t wash something, that needs washing it’s going to stink eventually.

This is TheHunress915, over and out!

Advertisements

A Blog Post in Song and Movie Quotes

Last week was an interesting week at work, I found myself in different stressful and annoying situations which to me were comical (after the fact).  Some of them may or may have not induced weekend drinking, I’ll let you decide.

Monday: I put on what seemed like a nice outfit only to find that the dress I was wearing was translucent, really translucent and probs why it was in the back of my closet.  It was so translucent that I now have only white or black underpants.  It wasn’t until I got to work and Female Sheldon shouted (I MEAN FUCKING SHOUTED) “Oh my gawd! You can see your underwear!” My inner voice was like “I’m about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90’s” (Deadpool, 2016).  It didn’t matter that my VP was conducting medical student interviews, nah it was totally okay. Because on Monday I chose to wear bright pink underpants….you make the connection, mortifying.  Running on Empty by Jackson Brown.

Tuesday: Dr. Raj Houston was still in town and as I hadn’t talked to him since walking away and calling him Felicia after he said I reminded him of his ex-wife. So it was an awkward moment when our VP was walking him around our office to introduce him to everyone (apparently their friends from med school).  Talk about awkward silence, then he stuck his hand out and my VP introduced him, I shook his hand and he looked at me.  Before anything was said my VP ushered him away to the next person.  I thought I had lost him for good when low and behold ten minutes later he makes his way back to my office.  He says “I didn’t get you information last week so we could go to dinner” and I look at him and said “Seriously? Why would you think I’d still want to out with you after what you said?” He looked confused, I just walked away.

“Sell crazy someplace else. We’re all stocked up here” (As Good As It Gets, 1997). Mama He’s Crazy by The Judds.

Wednesday: I had a training and was paired up with….you guessed it Female Sheldon.  “I’m here to cooperate with you a hundred percent. A hundred percent. I’ll be just right down the line with ya’. You watch” (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, 1975)

Fifty Shades of Crazy by Chase Rice.

sarcastic-look-meme-4

Thursday: I found myself in HR, because I walked out on the training I had with Female Sheldon on Weds.  But in my defense I argued my case.

HR Rep: We need to know why you thought you didn’t need the mandatory training.

Me: I never said I didn’t need it, I left because I was aggravated.

HR Rep: Aggravated by whom? The person giving the training?

Me: No by the person I was assigned to take the training “with.”

HR Rep: Looking through her paper work and humming Hellagood by No Doubt, and then she say’s “Oh….I see.”  Well….

Me: Why am I in here? Why isn’t Female Sheldon here and why are you not asking her why she still, after all the HR talks, and trainings and warnings about her staying away from me is she STILL IN MY FACE?!?

HR Rep: She’s not like, in your face.

Me: Can we talk like we’re NOT in the movie Clueless?

HR Rep: What?

Me: Nothing.

HR Rep: We’ll talk to Female Sheldon again but if this, thing between the two of you doesn’t stop one of you is going to be written up.

Me: Are you serious, me written up!? (Okay yes that’s happened before but not at this job) I’ve been the one to steer clear of her all the time.  Beside I thought that our department and HR knew we shouldn’t be paired together for anything, or am I wrong?  I avoid her on purpose and yet she still doesn’t get why she needs to not be so loud, vulgar, yes vulgar and maybe you all need to test her for some sort of disorder.  A disorder that proves she needs help, and I’m not talking about help with her job I’m talking mental health.

HR Rep: That’s profiling.

Me: NO that’s a fact.

HR Rep: *sigh*

Me: That’s profiling.

When life gives you lemons, just say fuck the lemons and bail (Forgetting Sarah Marshall, 2008).   Everything about You by Ugly Joe Kid.

images

Friday: Everyone in my department was told to “volunteer” for an upcoming symposium our VP is having next week.  I pondered that for a while, if your told to volunteer then it isn’t volunteering right?  So I was “voluntold” and I have no say in this matter whatsoever.  I made it clear I definitely wanted Female Sheldon as far away from me as possible.

“I’m not crazy M’lyn I’ve just been in very bad mood for forty years” Ouisa, Steel Magnolias (1988.)  Psycho Killer by The Talking Heads.

This is TheHuntress915, over and out!

A Stranger’s Life Lesson…….Sorry not Sorry Mom!

Yesterday after work I had to go to Target to pick up a few things because it’s mid-week and thought I’d make my weekly Target or Walmart run to distract myself from my new rowing machine which is intent on killing me (I’m going to call my rowing machine Cilantro because I hate cilantro.). But I know I need to use it and I am, but I will not let cilantro defeat me!  In any case, I’m wandering around Target picking up Ziploc bags, hair color and a bag of pretzels I absolutely have to have.  Then I make my way to the makeup section where as I’m perusing through all the ageless, age defying, wrinkle preventing “magical” makeup I see an older woman standing there with her reading glasses on, white hair quaffed into a perfect (I mean perfect) bun, seemingly flawless make up and dressed impeccably.  So for me this seems a bit weird, as it’s 5:45pm and those of us that are at the Target this time of day are in shorts, yoga pants or in my case my go to jeans and my University of Michigan t-shirt (reminder, need a new Michigan t-shirt).

I walk past her and I can smell Channel No. 5 on her which to me is an overpowering scent. I remember my mom’s friend saying only “Rich white women wear to intimidate.” And what she meant by ‘intimidate” is that it stunk to high hell.  This scent is definitely only for people who really love it because I have to agree it’s a powerful smell.  Anyway as I passed her she turns to me and says “Hi darlin’ can you help me here?” and I turned and responded “of course how can I help?”

She held up a small vial of some miracle serum for anti-whatever and said to me “I can’t make out the small print, can you see it, what does it say?” She held up her hand, and I saw a beautiful pearl bracelet with a pink gem clasp.  Her nails were perfect and as I brought the small vial closer to my face I realized there is no way anyone could read that tiny print.  I had to let her know I needed to put my reading glasses on and she laughed and said “Well then it seems we’re both in trouble then” and I laughed right along with her.  During this entire encounter I never once looked straight at her face, it wasn’t on purpose I just didn’t.  Then I put my reading glasses on and began to read her the miniscule print on the back of this tiny bottle.  After which she said thank you and I finally turned to look straight at her, what caught my attention was that she had beautiful deep green eyes and some signs of Botox.  But that’s not what surprised me, her lipstick was bleeding into the small crevices around her lips, all of her lips.  She had a soft pink shade of lipstick and it was running into each small wrinkle of her lips which looked like pink paint running from a canvas into each individual wrinkle outside her mouth.  It was very, VERY obvious.

I stood there pondering if I should tell her or not, I mean I didn’t want to embarrass her or make her feel awkward.  But she talked to me like we’d been friends for the longest time, everything about this woman was perfect except her lipstick.  So I decided to tell her, and she said “Oh damn, I can’t find a good lipstick that doesn’t do that.  I’ve tried every, how do you young girls say, hacks and nothing works for me.”  My eyes widened at the comment made that she considered me a “young” girl, which made me laugh.  I told her that I was far from young and she looked at me as she took a tissue from her purse and wiped away all traces of her lip color.  She looked at me up and down, assessing my physical appearance.  She then said “Of course you are, you are what? About thirty-five?” as her hand moved the tissue back and forth on her lips.

I was flattered, and laughed and said “No, I’m about to turn fifty actually” as I looked into my basket to straighten a bottle of wine that had fallen over, wine to drown the impending fiftiness away.  She said to me that I didn’t look like I was about to turn fifty.  She must have sensed that I wasn’t exactly thrilled about the idea of turning fifty so she said “You know, fifty is a good age to start an adventure, it’s also a great time to live your live according to your own rules.  Don’t look at turning fifty as a curse or something negative it should be the best time of your life.  Fifty now isn’t like fifty in the actual 1950’s, women look younger at fifty now then back then.  You don’t look forty-nine, and fifty is only months away and you won’t look it then either so stop worrying.”  I tried not to let the tears well up in my eyes because I wish my own mother would impart words of wisdom like this instead of telling me I should cut my hair short now that I’m going to officially be middle-aged.  My mother believes that women, all women over fifty should have short hair, and I mean like a ten year old boy type of haircut.  I mentioned to her my mom’s idea of women’s haircuts after fifty.

This beautiful lady stuck her hand out to shake mine and introduced herself as Monica.  And I introduced myself and she said “Oh, what a lovely name, I’ve always thought of Veronica as such a mysterious and glamorous vixen type of name.”  I told her my mom named me after Veronica Lodge from the Archie comics.  She laughed and put her hand on my shoulder and said “Well then you should take that and run with it.”  Then she said “I hope you have a very happy and wonderful fiftieth birthday this year.  Don’t let your moms antiquated idea of what fifty should be cloud what you want your fiftieth decade to turn out like.  You make it what you want it to be, follow your own rules, passions, interests but most of all it’s your life so live it the way YOU want to. You have beautiful hair, don’t cut it to appease someone else if you like the way you look.”  She told me her mother was a free spirit and believed in her children finding their own sense of self, not following others ideas.  She went on to tell me that she raised four children, worked as a secretary at a local school district and then when she retired she decided to work on herself.

She told me she started to walk, then run then began to lift weights to maintain her muscle mass, eat healthier and she admitted to Botox every so often.  She said at sixty she underwent a mini-facelift but she stopped there because she didn’t want to be one of those women that “looked” like their entire middle age was devoted to plastic surgery.   I smiled and then before she walked away I whispered “If you don’t mine me asking……..” but before I even finished what I was going to say she leaned in close and said “I’m 82” smiled, winked at me and walked away.  If I had to guess her age I would say she looked like she was in her early sixties.  As she walked away and I felt a bit better about my impending fiftieth birthday, I walked along the aisles of the Target with confidence in my step and like I rocked the go-to jeans I was wearing and not once did I care that I had no makeup on.

As I walked to the self-checkout I began to scan my items and I looked up once and that’s all it took for my self-confidence to deflate like an old party balloon.  The high definition cameras at the self-checkouts are horribly intense and make you, make anyone look like the worst version of your physical self.  Then after paying for my items I walked to my car thinking, I really do need a face lift after seeing myself in those stupid checkout cameras. As I get into my car I get a phone call from my mother.  She never asks how I’m doing, she only calls to complain about her, what or how she feels, what my dad’s done wrong or to tell me someone she knew died.  She asked me what I was doing and I told her that I was at Target buying shampoo and other stuff.  Then she begins her entire diatribe about why I should cut my hair and how she did when she turned fifty.

Then I thought to myself OH FUCK THIS SHIT and told her that she had cut her hair way before she turned fifty.  And then I told she needed to stop telling me to cut my hair and that I didn’t need to ask her permission to do anything in my life.  She yelled at me that I was ridiculous, that I wasn’t thirty anymore and that I was never going to find another husband at my age and I should just give in and take care of my parents.  My mother is a narcist, she’s always only cared about herself and it’s not easy growing up the daughter of a narcissistic mother.  I also believe she has Munchausen’s, making herself sick or acting sick purely for the attention, but that’s another story.  What I’ve learned from my therapist is that narcisst’s don’t like push back, and I’ve learned to push back and HARD.  Right there in the parking lot of the Target, I let loose on my self-serving mother and told her that I was never going to move in with my parents to take care of them.  That I was never going to give up what remained of my life to be their caretaker because they failed to financially plan for their old age (totally another story).  I’m not nice with my mother when she gets like this and this happens all the time.  I also told her that even if I didn’t find another husband I wasn’t going to put all my hopes and dreams on a man.  I can and have lived for twenty one years without a husband, then of course she threw my relationship with Lestat in my face.  I told her that I’m glad I saw him for who he was even though it took twenty years rather than stay married to someone like her for fifty only to realize that is was a mistake, of course throwing in it was my dad I was talking about.

I also pulled out the big guns, something Terri my therapist told me to say when it got this way with my mother.  Terri said that narcissistic mothers are jealous of their daughters especially when their daughters are accomplished in every aspect of their lives in spite of the down turns or hardships.  That’s when I told her that I had a life and didn’t need a husband to make it fulfilling, that I had educated myself, was independent financially and physically and in the process of buying a house on my own.  I said that I look good for forty-nine and she looked sixty at forty-nine, was overweight, controlling and miserable.

She stayed annoyingly quiet, all I could hear was her breathing into the phone and the anger she was feeling boil over.  Then the coup de gras, I told her that I will cut my hair the day I bury her ass six feet under! Her only defense? She hung up on me, that’s typical mom for you but I’ve lived with her and her narcissistic attitude for forty nine years.  My defenses have gotten good, almost emotionally deadly thanks to Terry the Wonder Therapist and I’m not sorry! Now in my mother’s defense (not often I say that shit) she was beautiful when she was young, well at least I thought so.

Mom Pic

This is mom (age 22) and her boyfriend who was in the Air Force, his name was Dave, obviously she didn’t wind up marrying him.  But kept their picture all these years for some reason.

Mom 18 Yrs

This is mom age 18

But as I grew up I had this distorted version of her in my mind but never really having an image to compare it to.  That is until the Disney movie The Little Mermaid came out, and low and behold Ursula became my mother, boy haircut and all.

download

So yesterday’s relaxing shopping trip was both encouraging and discouraging.  But my take away was/is that a strangers wise words meant more to me than the selfish words from my mother and that is what I’m going to hang onto.  I refuse to allow what my mother’s warped version of middle age to rule my thinking, life or self-image.  A beautiful stranger gave me some valuable pearls of wisdom and I will not be derailed into thinking that when I turn fifty my life is over, as my mother would have me believe.  So now I’ve decided to plan for myself a birthday party for the big 5-0, only the second birthday part of my entire life, and it’s gonna be a hellava party y’all! Even if it’s only me, Rocco and Jerry (neighbors dogs) Charlie my cat and some awesome bloody Mary’s!

This is me, two months ago…..

V. Anaya

Come on, Talk to Me Raj…… Oh wait Never mind.

Anyone who has ever seen the series The Big Bang Theory knows the story line of Rajesh Koothrappali and his inability to talk to women for the first couple of seasons of the show that is of course unless he’s consumed alcohol.  Why am I bring up this topic? Well, let me explain, before I began my blog I had this idea in my head that I could not possibly meet anyone “IRL” ever, and I do mean EVER again.  Online dating is as you know, was a torturous nightmare for me so I resolved to accept that meeting anyone face to face as they say was never going to happen.  Yet last week there was a research conference where I work, medical research to be exact and our vice-president strongly encouraged us to attend a session or two.  I’ve always found these types of conferences very interesting, yes I know I’m boring but it pertains to my job.

In any case we had a presenter from Houston, he is an older gentleman (when I say older that usually means about five to ten years older than I am) an endocrinologist from the greater Houston area and a faculty member at UT Houston.  We met during one of the breaks in between sessions at a social mixer.  I stood with another colleague as I managed to lose Female Sheldon in the crowd of people, but I could hear her “Oh my gawd, are you serious?” from across the entire lobby, like a squawking seagull.  Dr. Houston made his way to our table and introduced himself and we in turn did the same.  He kept asking me if we knew each other and I told him that I’d think I’d remember having a friend who was a doctor.  He laughed and my colleague might have sensed this magnetic attraction because she excused herself.  As she walked away gave me the cheesy thumbs up as if I had just managed to run into Jeffery Dean Morgan in the lobby.

But after she left Dr. Houston stopped talking, which made me think he might have wanted to talk to her and I should have been the one to walk away and do the cheesy thumbs up at her while grabbing an entire tray of appetizers and eat them alone in a dark corner as the research people walked by.  But that wasn’t the case, I suppose, because we stood there doing the awkward smile, laugh, clear you throat, smile, laugh dance until I asked him about himself.  So here is where Rajesh comes in, as part of my online dating nightmares the one thing that bothered the shit out of me was someone’s inability to hold a conversation.  I’m talking in person, on the phone, email or via text, this entire “let me ask you questions and you give me one word answers” shit get old, and it tires the fuck out of me.  So I kept asking Dr. Houston questions, I only got one word responses and not once did he even attempt to reciprocate and as the girl walking around with the tray of wine glasses (yes we had one day of this conference that had wine, it was held in the evening, it was the only day I went) I grabbed another full glass of wine.

As I did I caught him looking at me and I must have given him that “what are you looking at?” look.  He then cleared his throat and said “You’re really pretty” and said “thank you” and downed the glass of Chardonnay in one gulp.  This flattery was going to get him nowhere, okay it did as I proceeded to ask him about himself yet again.  He began to loosen up with each glass of wine (just like Raj) and began to talk more.  He said he had been divorced for eight years, had a son who was in the Navy and his youngest son who was still in college.  Everything seemed to be going great after that, our conversation began to have some depth, and interesting enough he told me he would be presenting next.  I said “Oh really? Well then I can’t wait to hear what your topic is going to be on.”

As he looked at me and I thought to myself, this man is good looking, smart and a doctor what else could I want? Yes okay I was jumping the gun, I knew that ten minutes before he couldn’t manage one single declarative sentence and now I saw matching SUV’s, vacations in the Bahamas and an Island wedding, so sue me I’ve been single for a long time. Okay that’s not true either but Lestat doesn’t count as a legitimate relationship here! In any case he asked me if I’d like to have dinner the next day, and I said “That sounds lovely” and he smiled.  It was either the wine or euphoria of being noticed after my Titanical relationship and online dating debacles, but for only a split second everything felt right with the world.  We heard a bell from inside the auditorium signal the end of the social mixer, as he drank the last of his wine, he turned to me and said “You know, I don’t know how you’re going to take this but…….you remind me and kind of look like my ex-wife.”

All at once I had flashbacks of the rental truck and the fence, and in my head my inside voice was like, leave now just walk away before you say anything stupid.

I stood there staring at him as if trying to make sense of what just came out of his mouth and then I said the cheesiest thing I’d ever said in my life (it might have been the wine)…“Houston, we have a problem……bye FELICIA!” (it was definitely the wine) and walked away out the side door back to my office to retrieve my purse trying to balance myself on my high heels and doing my damndest to look sophisticated (okay I burped out loud).

wine-enthusiast-meme1

I had one and a half glasses of wine that evening but the weight of what Dr. Houston said brought me back to being stone cold sober.  I got my purse and keys to my car and drove home saying to myself out loud “I don’t know how you’re going to take this?! You remind me of my ex-wife?! I remind him of his fucking ex-wife?!?!….Ugh!”  Dr. Raj Houston couldn’t hold a conversation until he’d had a couple of drinks in him and then he managed to say what is probably one of the worst things you can say to a woman, any women especially one you just met, that you remind them of their ex-wife! The constant comedic escapades that are my life never stop.

Until next time, this is the Huntress915 over and out!

Imitation Isn’t Always the Sincerest Form of Flattery. (My first Serious or Semi-Serious Post)

A couple of weeks ago I was at home in the middle of my Friday night routine of making dinner, and watching my usual Friday night lineup of the Cool Kids on Fox followed by either 20/20 or Dateline.  That Friday night I chose 20/20 and that particular episode was titled “The Dropout.”  This episode documented the rise and fall of Elizabeth Holmes the 35 year old entrepreneur and creator of Theranos, a company she claimed would be able to run over 200 blood tests on a single, teeny tiny drop of blood.

Nanotainer

This is Theranos “Nanotainer”

Holmes claimed that the small amount of blood collected would then be put into a machine she called The Edison (another fraud if you ask me, we all know that Tesla was way better at his inventions and wasn’t a raging egotist) that would run over 200 blood tests. My question is, where is the FDA in all of this?

The Edison

This “machine” supposedly would run a series of blood tests on that small amount of blood in under 4 hours.

Too good to be true? Yes, yes it was and not only did she deceive many of her multi-million dollar investors she also keeps up the falsity of her persona, which according to 20/20 she modeled after Steve Jobs.  She even dropped out of Stanford at the age of nineteen, it seems she took this Steve Jobs imitation just a bit too far. Did she really think she’d be successful if she dropped out of college like Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg and others? For a while maybe, but then everything went pear shaped.

She also began to dress like Jobs, in black turtlenecks and black two piece suits (creepy? Abso-fucking-lutely) never falling out of character in front of her employees, board members or the press.  What struck me the most odd is that in spite of her emulating Steve Jobs, which for a woman is just plain icky weird, was that she faked her deep baritone voice, that’s right if that doesn’t say psychopath what does?

Homes PT Barnum

If you have to actively change your voice in order for people to take you seriously, then there are bigger issues at play here than pretending to be something you’re not.  How do people know she’s not a baritone? One of her former employees that was interviewed in the 20/20 episode said that during a Christmas party a few years back, she had one too many cocktails and fell out of character and spoke in her “normal” voice.  Which according to this former employee was high pitched and more feminine. There are even a couple of YouTube videos of her speaking in her “real” voice.  Which was also corroborated by a former professor of hers from Stanford, saying that when she was in college, she didn’t talk that way.

The definition of a psychopath is someone that has superficial charm, inflated sense of self-worth, pathologically lies, lacks remorse or guilt, shallow emotions, conning others and being manipulative.  Now Elizabeth Holmes’ has a lot of these traits and behaviors because she seemed to just seemed drink in the attention of being the darling of Silicon Valley. Giving interviews about her company and her invention, which was still not working the way she claimed, and speaking in that deep fake voice of hers.  What she thought she’d gain from faking her voice or dressing like Steve Jobs one will never know, but the in-authenticity of it all just makes you wonder why someone would go through all that trouble to be someone or something they’re not?  The Silicon Valley mantra of “fake it until you make it” seems to be taken to heart by Holmes in every aspect of her identity.  But I suppose that’s what a psychopath does, they pretend to be something they’re not.   Holmes has shown no remorse over the fraud she committed and still insists that her product works despite her former lab staff and software engineers saying it’s never did.

According to many of her former employees there is no way for over 200 blood tests to can be done on such a small amount of blood.  A reporter for the Wall Street Journal named John Carreyrou launched an investigation into Theranos and Holmes claims about her product.  He questioned employees of hers wanting to know about how Holmes’ “super invention” worked.  And no one could explain how it worked, all they could do is tell him how it didn’t work, you can read his original WSJ article here.  Even being indicted on Federal charges, nine counts of wire fraud to be exact, she is still (STILL) using her fake baritone voice.  But why? I suppose she’s so delusional that she thinks people will still take her seriously even though her world is crumbling down around her if she still “pretends” to be successful.  She just might be delusional enough to think her faded glory might come back and shine a light on her once again, not likely.

Her ability to convince people of her accomplishments was astounding, she was even invited to speak at a commencement ceremony at Pepperdine University.  Not having graduated herself she spoke in front of a graduating class, spewing her “knowledge” and “experience” to a group of students who accomplished what she couldn’t, get their degrees.  The act never stops, but maybe the Federal Government might force her to give up her false sense of inflated ego.

Maybe dropping out of Stanford was something Elizabeth Holmes shouldn’t have done, and yet somehow she was invited back to her alma mater (is it though if you never graduated?) to speak to a chemical engineering class after she started her fake company Theranos.  In the 20/20 episode she says “At this point I didn’t think that a couple more classes in chemical engineering were going to help with what I wanted to do.”

YES! I definitely think it would have helped since what she was doing involved micro and nano fluidics and had she graduated maybe her “invention” and her company would have been successful.  Instead she created a culture at her company of lying,  hiding from her employees how her product had failed, touted her successful company that even Walgreen’s bought into it and fired everyone that questioned her claims of how her product was being used in Medivac helicopters and emergency rooms, which they weren’t she was lying yet again.  If she had finished college maybe she wouldn’t have put peoples lives in danger with her false advertising and selfish personality.  But then again a psychopath has no sense of remorse so maybe if she had graduated from Stanford she might have killed someone with her invention.

In the words of a famous Warner Bros star (Bugs Bunny) what a Maroon! Elizabeth Holmes is not Steve Jobs, not even close, in fact I think Jobs himself would be spinning in his grave at this cheap wannabe knockoff.  So in this case imitation is definitely not the sincerest form of flattery.  It’s like a counterfeit designer handbag, they are thousands out there and easy to buy but if you try and pass it of as real, once someone’s found out about it, they will never let you forget it.

Lets Talk About…..Weird Co-Workers

Sometimes we’re blessed with great jobs and those jobs come with coworkers that might or might not be perfect.  I have been fortunate enough to have found a job that not only is what I’d been studying for in Grad School but where the office environment is definitely not toxic.  Because I have been there, toxic office, toxic people toxic reverberations of emotional distress and anger.  I once worked in a grant office with a female director who refused to email anyone any instructions because she didn’t want any of her employees coming back and referring to her emails.  This was because she was almost always wrong about a lot of things, ALWAYS.

And let me tell you this bitch needed her emails referenced, let me share how she’d “direct” things to her staff.  I worked there as the business manager and I was in charge of the inventory as well as grant cost sharing with local school districts.  She would leave sticky notes on my computer screen with instructions and/or things she needed me to do.  So I would come in the next morning and literally have my computer screen covered in multicolored sticky notes in her handwriting.  I thought to myself, does she really think I can’t reference this?  What did I do?  I put those sticky notes on a sheet of paper and I would scan it, then I’d email it to her and tell her “As per the sticky note you left on my computer on July 14, 2014, you are asking me to retrieve signatures on the cost sharing forms from Mr. XXXXX, is that correct?”

She’d come to my office in a hissy and tell me not to scan and email her “notes” back to her, and I would tell her that I was going to continue doing it until she decided what form of communication was appropriate to use.  Did I mention she was fifty-eight years old and liked to wear leather pants and leopard print tops to work? Talk about trying to relive one’s youth.  In any case dealing with weird coworkers can be somewhat trying.  Right now I have a coworker that I’m going to refer to as the female Sheldon.  She is extremely inappropriate when she speaks and when she speaks she freaking YELLS.  Her office is on the other side of the building, and I can still hear her talking on the phone.  Also, she knows nothing of personal space but yet she doesn’t like to be touched (are you listening Maggie?) and no matter how many times you tell her to back the fuck up, she just looks at you with those dead shark eyes of hers.

Shark Eyes Cartoon

Yes, she has dead shark eyes and because of this one can’t tell if she understands what you are telling her.  I’ve gotten so frustrated with her that sometimes when she invades my personal space I walk closer to her and begin to touch her with my index finger, just poking her over and over near her shoulder until she backs away.  Of course this causes her to start yelling “Oh God, don’t touch me!”  And then I yell back “Then back the fuck up and get out of my face!” And for those of you wondering yes, we have been called into HR for this because it is a constant thing.  Now Female Sheldon has issues, a lot of them but she’s a good research administrator so she knows her shit.  But then again so do I, and since we both started in our department around the same time we’ve been working together longer than anyone else here with the exception of our bosses.

Female Sheldon is also (dare I say it?) a vegetarian.  So whenever we have potlucks or birthday lunches it’s always a fucking clusterfuck decision about who is going to bring something “veggie” for Female Sheldon.  Sometimes I just want to tackle her in the kitchen and literally force feed her ass a goddamned meatball! In any case it occurred to me that Female Sheldon might actually have Asperger’s or something to that effect.  Because when we’re in staff meetings everyone expresses themselves in a positive or negative way on topics of discussion. But Female Sheldon sits there with her dead shark eyes and stares straight ahead.  When someone asks her a questions she responds in a robotic voice.  But then you hear her on the phone and she’s all “Oh my gawd, really? Oh my gawd I can’t believe it. Oh my gawd what do you mean the submission date changed? Oh my gawd!”  That’s all I hear her say is “Oh My Gawd” I can almost see her, sitting at her desk staring straight at the wall with those dead shark eyes, stone faced and the only thing moving are her thin, annoying lips.

And what’s worse is that Female Sheldon comes to my desk to ask me what I’m up to and then I tell her and she just stands there, staring at me.  Once I snapped my fingers at her and she yelled “Oh my gawd, why’d you do that for? It’s so loud, I’m right here!” And I replied with “I know, I’m busy go back to your office and let me work” but did she leave? No she fucking didn’t like she didn’t understand one word of what I had said.  So I got up to go to the vending machines in the hallway.  As I’m standing there mulling over my purchase, I feel breath on the back of my neck and there she is, fucking female Sheldon INVADING MY PESONAL SPACE AGAIN! At this point I really wanted to punch her so hard, I had never wanted to watch anyone bleed so bad in my life.  Okay I have, my ex-husband, his mother, Lestat, his wife…..but you get what I’m saying right?

I’ve brought this to my supervisor’s attention as I’m not the only one that she does this too and they called her in to “talk” to her. I doubt she understood anything because we all know Female Sheldon Dead Shark eyes don’t understand a damned thing!  She finally started to keep her distance, then one day while we were celebrating birthdays in the conference room, Female Sheldon was standing outside of the conference room (our conference room is all glass walls/windows) and our director was asking “Why is Female Sheldon standing on the outside in the hallway?”  I turned to look and there was Female Sheldon, on the outside of the conference room holding her cup of coffee staring at everyone with her dead shark eyes and no expression on her face.  I tapped on the window and asked her “What are you doing? Come in and get some cake” and she said she was told to stay away from me, her voice muffled by the thick glass between us.

I had just taken a sip of my coffee and I totally lost it, I couldn’t contain my laughter I mean I was dying, buckling over in pain laughing.  I could not for the life of me contain the laughter, the type of hilarity that doesn’t even allow you to speak.  Not to mention that I had spit out my coffee because of her response.  Then a couple of other people started to laugh and then our director went out to the hallway to tell her that’s not what what she meant by staying away with me.  So this is what has lead me to believe that Female Sheldon, this 31 year old female who surprisingly has a husband (makes me wonder, she’s married but I can’t even find a date online, I mean hello what is wrong with this picture?) might actually have some antisocial disorder.  Hence why I call her Female Sheldon, she takes things literally like being told she had to stay away from me, and standing outside the conference room walls while we celebrated our department’s staff birthdays.

This is only one in a long string of weird co-workers I have had the unfortunate opportunity to work with.  Unfortunate because although she is smart, she continually says inappropriate things all the damned time.  Like when I got my Master’s degree, she said “Oh you finished already? Wow your program must have not been hard because I’m still not done.” I’m like what the fuck? So I just calmly responded with “Maybe it’s not so much that my program wasn’t hard, maybe it’s that you’re just too dumb to finish yours” okay that was below the belt but really what kind of comment was that about my graduate program? She had no expression, as mentioned before just sat there with those dead shark eyes.  My other coworker said to her “Sheldon, that wasn’t very nice.  Everyone works hard for their education” and she just sat there staring at my other coworker.  So, I work with a female version of Sheldon Cooper and although he is a fictional character, the character I work with makes me think on a weekly basis “This bitch is the reason I’m going to go to jail.”  Picture it, a random university parking lot, and campus police cars with their lights flashing and two officers walking me to a city police cruiser in handcuffs for assault.  Female Sheldon being brought on a stretcher towards an ambulance with a pencil in her neck, bandaged and an EMT applying pressure to the bleeding, blood all over her clothes and her starting straight up into nothingness with dead shark eyes screaming “Oh my Gawd, I didn’t turn off my computer!!”

Until next time, this is the Huntress915 over and out!

My Blind Date with Keanu Reeves

Ah-ha!! I got your attention didn’t I? Okay well that’s just a fantasy of mine but let’s move onto the real topic of today’s post shall we? Recently I’ve read certain blog posts and have seen some Youtube videos about how horrible online dating is.  So let’s be honest here, online dating is a nightmare but only for certain people, myself included.  Also some fellow bloggers as well, check out my girl Rakkelle’s blog here for her story on online dating.  I think for the most part, I’m in the majority for online dating disasters as there seems to be a lot of us, both men and women that online dating is a horrific experience.  For those of you who’ve read my blog you know about fake US Marshal Rick, Oompa Loompa David and Rude Sergio all of these online dates were absolutely horrible.  Not one of these guys changed my mind about stereotypes of online dating, and those that had the potential to do so, weren’t interested in me.  Now before I start getting emails about how not all men are bad and those a just a few cases….blah, blah, blah.  I have to say that maybe it’s me, maybe I intimidate more than allow these online dates to reveal their true selves.  I’ve been told I intimidate but I’m going to take that as a compliment, but onward we go.

*Disclaimer, this post is purely based on MY online dating experience and not meant to deter anyone from trying online dating or diminish their experience whatsoever*

All of the men I connected with, including rude Sergio saw actual pictures of me, recent pictures of me.  Then Rude Sergio told me he thought I’d be younger when we met in person (just for the record I hope that asshole catches crabs).  But it’s not uncommon for both men and women to lie on their online dating profiles, hell it’s expected because of what societal standards are in this age of beauty, education and financial status.  The thing is, this type of lying will always and I do mean always have a bad outcome.  I mean look at Ooompa Loompa David, his profile said he was 5’9 and the dude only came up to my shoulders and I’m 5’4!   Expectations of what we are looking for in an online date will diminish the value of the person you might be overlooking in favor for some unrealistic image we have in our mind.  One of my friends said to me that women have this Prince Charming (remember him?) image in our minds and men have this porn start image of women in theirs, thinking this is what we want and what we’ll find if we date and look hard enough.

People will lie if they think the person their lying too is hearing what they want to hear.  The truth is online dating is successful for people under the age of forty-five, now this is only my opinion based on my research (the disastrous dates I’ve had).  Online dating is hard, it’s full of unscrupulous people who will lie to you for their own personal reasons.  As a forty-five year old (at the time) I found it extremely difficult to find someone genuine, and when I did they weren’t interested in me.  So what does that say? It says that women with less self-esteem or no confidence will lie, and they will over exaggerate themselves, their accomplishments and their lives in general.  A former coworker of mine was so clingy with men, any man that came into her life she literally drove them away.

She would sit in my office and cry and ask me “what’s wrong with me, is it because I have six kids or what?” and of course being the straight shooter I am, I would tell her that maybe it was intimidating to date someone with so many children (they were already grown) and they may see her as a gold digger or wanting a replacement dad for her kids.  Then she’d cry some more and I’d think to myself what the fuck, go cry at your desk I don’t have time for this shit (yes I really did think that, but hey I had my own problems).  She would tell me about her online dates and how well they went (she’s eight years older than I am) and she made the mistake of telling me she only wanted to date wealthy older men who would take her out to expensive dinners and buy her clothes because she’s never had that.  I told her straight out, if that’s what you’re looking for you’re not going to find it, they will see through your fake persona and drop you like a G-string in a strip club.  She showed me her profile and she had put on there that she had her bachelor’s in accounting.  I told her I knew damned well she hadn’t even gone to college, and asked her “Don’t you think this will come up? Or when they hear you talk they’ll know you didn’t go to college?” Okay again before I get nasty messages about peeps that didn’t go to college and things like that this is purely based on this particular person.

Let me just say she wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed, she couldn’t say pneumonia that’s right, she would try to pronounce it like it’s spelled but then it would sound like pa-no-mia.  Once when she was out sick and came back she kept saying she had panomia, to everyone and no one would correct her, then I asked her “What did you have?” and she said she caught panomia, and I asked her what that was and she rolled her eyes (like I was the dumb one) and said “You know, PA-NO-MIA, like a cold only worse, duh?” That pissed me off so I decided to cut her off at the knees in front of our director and I laughed and said out loud “You mean you had pneumonia? If you’re going to tell everyone your sick you’d better learn how to pronounce your illness” and I walked back into my office.  She turned red and then got an IM via my computer telling me I didn’t have to do that and embarrass her in front of people.  That’s when I told her same here, don’t act smart if you aren’t, then a fight ensued and well……I’m getting off topic here.  So my assessment of her is no reflection on those that didn’t attend college, this is only from personal experience with this particular person.

So this person lied on her online dating profile and she got plenty of dates but no follow ups because once you meet someone and talk to them that’s when you realize that you were duped.  It doesn’t feel too good when you’re duped like that because I’ve been the “dupee” more times than I care to remember.  Then there were those dates that I believed had some potential only to find I wasn’t what these men were looking for.  Like Rude Sergio, who wanted a thirty-something knowing full well how old I was, I didn’t lie or misrepresent myself.  I didn’t photo shop my pictures, I didn’t lie about my age or my accomplishments.  And even though we had talked for a while before we met, those conversations led me to believe that he was okay with who I was, that he was genuinely interested in me as a person, not any type of arm candy or trophy girlfriend.

And I can totally pull that off too, because even though now I’m forty-nine (and in spite of a much needed chemical peel, but that’s another story) I am by no means one of the ugly step-sisters.  In my opinion I’m attractive enough to have some of these online dates take a second look (well that’s what I was told by Kyle and Lestat) but what can I say?  Men my age want women ten years younger and because men my age are usually divorced and financially stable, they get actually women ten years younger.   Women my age want men a bit older (well I do) established, well adjusted, secure in their own person and financially stable (I didn’t say dripping in money) but has a job so I don’t have to support him, and I’m sure this goes for men too.  Not all my bad dates have been a result from online mediums.  I was once introduced by a former friend to her brother, an older man who was retired and seemed to be a nice guy when I first met him.

So this “friend” of mine thought it would be a good idea to introduce me to one of her brothers (the one that was divorced, and I’ll explain why later) because he hadn’t dated for a while and neither had I.  After some convincing I agreed to meet her brother Gilbert (I’m using his real name because the chances of him or his sister finding my blog are slim to none).  After our initial meeting I thought to myself, okay this guy is decent, not bad looking he’s nice and seems sane.  So we had two dates and then his older brother invited us out to a restaurant called The Pershing Inn, they were having a Beatles cover band that night so I thought to myself, why not?

The night started out okay, the band was on fire, I was having a good time and then I noticed Gilbert was drinking and I mean a lot, I had picked him up (at his request) and by the end of the night he was plastered.  I drove him home in spite of having a couple of drinks myself, but I wasn’t by any means fall down drunk.  Although I knew I should be driving with even a couple of drinks what choice did I have at this point? Luckily his brother’s house was only six blocks from the bar.  His brother and sister-in-law were already at their house when we got there.  They had stopped by to get some food and invited me to eat with them and even to stay the night if I didn’t want to drive home.  I lived about twenty miles or so from where they lived and although the gesture was a kind one, what transpired after we got to their house made me want to leave and never return.

As we sat and ate our food then Gilbert and his older brother began to argue, and his brother wasn’t even drunk.  But their bickering went on and on and his sister-in-law apologized to me and said they are always like this when Gilbert drinks.  As I helped her clean up, we walked into the kitchen and left the brothers to continue their argument alone.  I asked her why they get like this and she said “Gilbert didn’t tell you that he was in jail did he?” My inside voice was like “No he fucking didn’t tell me he was in jail and neither did his stupid sister!”  She went on to explain that he shouldn’t be drinking because he’s an alcoholic, and that’s the reason he was in jail, he got caught with too many DUI’s and jail and a divorce were the result.  Then I heard shouting from another room “Why would you think a smart, attractive girl like her would want to have an out of work lush who lives with his son for a boyfriend?!? I have to lend you money to take her out!”  Then Gilbert responded with “Because she likes me asshole and I can help her around the house and shit!”  Lend him money? Help around the house?

What the literal FUCK is this guy talking about?  It turns out he was retired (lost his job because of the DUI jail sentence) from Coca-Cola and his pension/retirement wasn’t enough for him to live on by himself hence why he lived with his oldest son (Holy Broke Asshole Batman!).  He lived in Houston and was looking to move back to El Paso to be with his family so I was the “catch” he needed to be able to do just that.  His sister-in-law began to look embarrassed and I looked at her and she said “Tina should have told you about him before you decided to go out with him, I’m so sorry, really I am.  After we met you we knew it was too good to be true, that once you would see the real him you’d…….”  I didn’t let her finish and I told her I had to leave.  She said she understood and during his argument with his brother, I got the keys to my car and got the hell outta Dodge as fast as my Ford Fusion could get me.  But the damage had been done, he had my phone number, and knew where I lived and for three weeks after that he did nothing but bother the shit out of me.  Calling, coming by my house he even showed up to my office! This was because the last time he went by my house all three of my over five-foot nine inch tall boys were there and all three told him to leave in a not so nice way (boy am I glad I gave birth to three huge body guards).  This was even after I didn’t want to see or talk to him.

But did he get the hint? No he fucking didn’t so what did I do? I called in a favor from one of my friends who is Texas State Trooper and what was said or done I’ll never know all I got was a “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of it” from my friend Joe.  After that all I know is that Gilbert the Lush didn’t bother me anymore.  But I still get drunk voicemails from him from time to time even though I blocked him, his daughters and his stupid sister’s phone numbers.  He still leaves me messages, like he’ll think I might change my mind about him, I don’t fucking think so!

So it’s not just online dating that can have disastrous outcomes, real life meeting people the “normal” way can too.  Needless to say I no longer talk to his sister because she should have been honest.  So honesty is definitely important whether your dating the “old fashion way” or online.  So what’s my conclusion? That online dating for me has been more than disappointing because of false advertising and the devious people I’ve met.  I’ve given up dating through this particular medium and my chances of meeting anyone the “old fashion” way are diminishing because of online dating, no one meets organically anymore.  I’m too old to bar hop or go out clubbing, besides what are the types of people one can meet at a bar or club?  So if it happens it happens, and if it doesn’t well then, ce la vie.  Even though I don’t have a “significant other” at the moment, I’m happy and I’m not just saying that to sound, look or pretend that I am, I truly am.  I found the following on one of my friends desk (another single mom) and I read it and thought, wow, that is the absolute truth.  Even though I was already married in high school, the rest resonates with me so I decided to share.

Relashionship Status of Single Women

But let me just add this, on Friday I got asked out by an “older” medical student (he’s 37, usually med students are in their early to mid-twenties.  He was in the Navy before he decided to go to Med School) and although I was flattered, he just began his residency and the chances of a healthy relationship coming out of this are not good, residency is hard for any new medical student but it’s harder on a couple when one of them is a resident.  Also, it proves I still got it, chemical peel or not! *flips hair and fist pumps air like John Bender at the end of the Breakfast Club*

Judd-Nelson-1

I’m looking for something long term, I am no longer dating for fun.  Did I mention he’s a Psychiatry resident? No? Huh, I wonder if the universe is trying to tell me something……Keanu Reeves where are you?!

This is the Huntress915, over and out.