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Trying to Keep My Faith

It’s been a hectic couple of months. I’ll have to say that about the time I’ve been through lately. I keep wanting things to change for the better but somehow, they just keep roller-coasting for the worst.  I have to remain optimistic even in the hard times I suppose, but sometimes I struggle to keep my faith because it’s been tested in the last five months.

It’s taken me five months to finally find a job, I keep telling myself that there was no choice and I had to because if I didn’t the bastards at the unemployment would call me out on why.   I took a city government job that is 100% remote with only going into the office on Monday’s half day.  This Monday I met the newest member of our growing department, he’s a building inspector that is working with our team.   When we met we got along swimmingly, well that’s what our boss said.  We have new employee orientation on the next coming Monday together.  The new guy said in passing about our boss that he thought he seemed like a genuine guy and has a great sense of humor.  Then he added that everyone had to have a sense of humor with what we were all getting paid.  I did a double take and asked him how he knew what everyone was getting paid?  He laughed and he said that if he got short changed with his salary he was only guessing that all of did. 

I nodded my head and told him that I sure as hell did.  Then I decided to do a bit of research and after a few minutes found that all of us new hires are being paid the “entry level minimum” for our positions.  Then I found that Fake Blanche Devereaux is making over $140K, and that may not be much everywhere else in the world but here in El Paso that’s over the median salary for an executive.  Then quite by accident I found out our boss who was working with a huge construction company here out of Dallas was getting paid more than the director.  And now, he’s making only about $5K more than I am!!  This is not exactly the sign I was looking for to reassure me that I need to stop looking for something else that pays a bit closer to what I was making at the university of hell.

Things Just Kept Getting Worse

My dad went in for surgery for a esophageal hernia in mid-February.  He seemed to be making progress but less than four days later he was back in the hospital again because he couldn’t swallow let alone eat.  The surgeon found that since my dad didn’t follow post-surgery instruction of not bending over or forcing himself to cough he somehow caused his diaphragm to swell and causing it to be sucked up into the esophagus causing his not being able to swallow.   So he had a second surgery to undo what he had done when he didn’t follow post-surgery instructions.  I got so mad at him because he was being so fucking stubborn and to add to that he wouldn’t take his medications.  He wouldn’t walk even though he was told he had to because he had deep vein thrombosis.  He’d develop blood clots if he stayed immobile.  So he was released from the hospital a second time only to be back another three days later, then he stayed for the internal medicine doctor to see him and well let’s just say he was being stubborn once again.  Not taking his medications, not doing his physical therapy or wearing his hearing aids and his dentures.  His doctor took him off of his blood thinner because he was severely anemic due to not eating.  The doctor told him he had to eat and my dad rudely said he didn’t like chicken, green beans or spinach.  Which was what the dietician had brought him in the day I was there during lunch.  The doctor then said he had to eat so he could get better and go home and my dad begrudgingly ate his lunch. 

Then the doctor said he was transferring my dad over to a nursing rehab home until my dad could get his strength back and eat well enough to be able to be put back on his blood thinners.  He was transferred over to the rehab nursing home on a Monday night and on Weds morning at 4:16am he passed away from a pulmonary embolism.  My dad was 83 years old.

This has been the worst five months I can recall and as I mentioned before my faith is waning.  I don’t really talk about my spiritual faith because, really its nobody’s business but mine.  But lately I’ve been questioning the Lord and what has been going on in my life the last five months.  It seems that everything has gotten progressively worse.  The preacher at the church I attend talk to me a couple of Sunday’s ago and he put things into perspective for me.   Even then I’m having a hard time with all of this.  But as he said I have to have faith and the God doesn’t test us or put us through all the hard times, the world and the people in it do and it’s up to us and our faith to endure and get past it.  I’m trying right now really hard and I suppose that’s all I can do for now. As Forrest Gump once said…”That’s all I have to say about that.”

Until next time……this is the Huntress, saying…”Don’t be a Moth Around a Dim Yellow Bulb, Be a Moth to a Flame, Make it worth the Burn!”

Published by thehuntress915

My life has been a lot like the movie Bridget Jones Diary (the Hispanic version) constant comedic struggles and life lessons learned by way of personal experience. I've survived divorce and online dating debacles, so tag along for the ride and lets laugh together.

23 thoughts on “Trying to Keep My Faith

  1. I’m so very sorry to hear of your father’s passing. You’ve certainly had more than your fair share of grief and disappointment lately. While I don’t share your faith, please know that I hope it brings you some small measure of comfort. You deserve so much more happiness than life is giving you right now.
    *hugs*
    ❤️

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I’m so terribly sorry to hear of your father’s passing. You’ve certainly had a lot of anxiety on your shoulders for quite some time now. I hope the new job allows you to take whatever time off you need to tend to issues and grief. My heart goes out to you, and please know we’re all praying for you to have some peace of mind.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Barb, the job didn’t allow me to take time off if you can believe that? I didn’t qualify for bereavement leave so I had to take two days without pay. Great job huh? Anyway thank you for your good vibes, I appreciate it.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You have had a hard time of it, I’m really sorry about your dad. Back in 2014 I went through the shittiest year I can think of and I found my way though and so will you 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Sorry to hear about your father. There are no words of consolation. It just sucks.
    Faith comes, faith goes and comes again. It does require an initial investment, but after that, it takes a life of its own. I can’t generate it, and I can’t walk away from it.
    The pastor is right … this isn’t our home, but rather a place where we stay for awhile. It too brings joy and suck as well … trudge this path you will. Hope the joy returns soon …

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Rusty, wow you are like the Yoda of bloggers!! Your words ring true, and I hope to try to keep walking in faith. I’m just tired right now with everything I’ve gone through the last five months. I need to rest and recharge and I think I can get back to where I was. Thank you again for your kind words.

      Like

  5. Damn, that was disappointing to read and I’m so sorry to learn your father passed. I’ve heard and read the words to make you feel better but like many others, I’ve learned that grief doesn’t really go away or heal, no matter how much time gushes by under the bridge; it all just kind of scabs over. Hope things will improve. Take care of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I hope you’re doing better since we last texted. I can only imagine how you’re feeling because I can imagine myself having to deal with losing my Dad when the time comes. I hate to even think about it but I know it will come.

    I have the same thoughts about religion and spirituality. “Ain’t nobody’s business but mine.” I am not a religious person. I’m more spiritual than anything else. I question the why’s and how’s of everything these days. I just have to tell my brain to STFU and let things be what they will be. It’s hard when we’re always struggling though.

    You know how to reach me if you need to text/chat. 😉 Hugs, my friend. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m doing okay, learning to let things just go the way the Lord wants I suppose. I Ed to be grateful for what I do have and stop thinking about what I’ve lost. Im like you I need to just tell my brain to shut up…lol. I appreciate you so much my dear friend 💜🤗

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh, my goodness! I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. Sending you love and hugs!

    Of course you should keep your eyes open for another, better paying job that is a good fit; however, don’t shortchange this one…assuming it has everything else going for it, the pay will eventually come.

    I totally understand what you’re feeling–I went through that myself in 2019 when I quit that one shit show firm I worked at for a minute after Larry had died. You’ve had a ton of major life changes in the past few months–it would be overwhelming for anyone to handle. Grieve. Talk to your therapist. Focus on and take care of yourself. Most importantly, give yourself grace. You (and your life) will bounce back. It will just take some time.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I really appreciate your advice Heather. Sometimes my blogger friends have a better outlook on my situation than I do because I feel like I’m right in the thick of it. I’m still not 100% yet, starting a new job, dealing with my dad and being there for my mom since my dad passed. It’s been a complete whirlwind of emotions, all the while dealing with just trying to adjust to my new situation. I thank you for our good vibes, I appreciate it my friend.

      Liked by 1 person

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