Lacking Motivation or Inspiration or Tricks and Treats?

I realize that I haven’t posted anything consistent for a while.  After all starting this blog was purely for cathartic reasons on the suggestion of my super awesome therapist Terri.  And that all started because of one stupid, careless, self-absorbed person, Lestat.  Well, Lestat is long gone, not that he hasn’t tried to contact me because he has.  Desperate measures I think because he’s just that kind of an asshole.  Anyway since last Monday, which was officially my first day of unemployment, I’ve been trying to keep busy here at home.  I’ve tried my best to get my unemployed ass out of bed to do something productive around my house.  Like pulling that stupid, annoying devils weed from winding its way around my one and only rose bush and the chain-link fence on the corner of my house.  This fucking thing is just what I said it was, the devils weed, it’s an ivy sort of plant that just grabs onto something so it can choke the fuck out of it and just keep growing no matter what it has to cling onto.  Or keep unpacking more boxes of crap in the last bedroom because I’ve still to find some of my cook wear.  Or attempt to clean out more of my garage, my one car garage that although I can fit my car in there now.  There are still boxes and bags of stuff I need to go through before I can fling it into the trash bin. But I haven’t done much in the last week here at home other than obsessively apply for jobs online. 

Speaking of which, let talk unemployment shall we?  Here in the great state of Texas (okay it’s not that great right now with the fucking state government trying to tell me what and how I should treat my own female body, those fucking asshole pricks) we have to go through this state office called the Texas Workforce Commission.  If it sounds like a branch of the mafia, well that’s because trying to get money from them is like having to kidnap someone, put them in your truck to prove that you’ve done what you have so they know you’re a goodfella.  That’s what it’s like to try and register with them to get unemployment benefits.  It’s taken me two days to do this and then your directed to a third-party website where you have to register yourself so potential employers can see you; your qualifications and experience and they can contact you.  If you don’t register and do this, you don’t get unemployment benefits, fuck my life this is aggravating.  In any case, I’ve applied to so many jobs (27 to be exact) that I’m hoping something will turn up.  Before I left that shithole university and its crap leadership, I applied to several jobs within and I got four interviews.  Nothing came of those of course because I’m pretty sure they all called my ex-boss the leathery hag to ask about me and that was the end of that.  I’m just making an assumption here; I don’t really know if that’s the case. 

Okay moving on, so I’ve been glued to my computer applying for city, state and federal jobs like a mad woman.  I’ve made a few private company applications here and there, but I’ve been in state service since God was a boy, I figured I’d find something that better suited me within these entities.  I’ve had three interviews with the university I was with prior to this shit university I just left, and I haven’t heard anything back yet.  I’m even applying within the state of New Mexico because they seem to have a lot of positions that I’m suited for.  And because I live so close to the Texas/New Mexico border it wouldn’t be so bad for me commuting from here to there.  But what is puzzling me at the moment is my lack of…..drive.  I have no energy, no inspiration, nothing to motivate me.  My very good friend who is also a counselor told me on Friday as we met for lunch that I’m simply adjusting to being without a job for now.  She said this to me because I asked her if I might be getting depressed.  She looked at me and she asked me a series of questions, which I answered honestly, and she told me that I wasn’t depressed. 

She said that my life before I lost my job was always go-go-go, from 5:15am to when I got home at about 6pm every day.  Now my body is adjusting to not having to rush around and get to work every single day.  I told her that last week I had the hardest time getting out of bed, I woke up and damned these light blocking curtains, it was already 11:30!! Yes, I just blamed my curtains for my not waking up early, but then I thought, why?  I have nowhere to go because, ha-ha, get this I have no money!  Okay I do have money but it’s my savings for four months of unemployment.  But I have no liquid income at the moment whereas before I could go and buy a pair of shoes to go with the other 67 pairs I already have and not suffer for it financially.  Yes, I know it sounds very petty but I’m venting here, and I know a lot of you don’t feel sorry for me and I don’t expect you to.  Again I’m just writing down what I’m going through to put out there into the void. 

Speaking of Voids

Halloween came and went this year and I didn’t even blink, or should I say shudder.  My neighborhood is rife with rug rats of all ages and I didn’t even think to buy candy.  Good thing too because no one came to my house.  Maybe it’s because I locked my gate with a chain and lock.  Yes I do that at the behest of my three sons since I live alone.  But my next-door neighbors reassured me that no one comes down our street to Trick or Treat.  They all go across to the golf course every year because they host a huge Halloween Trick or Treat…..thing and give out candy and prizes and stuff.  They also told me that since COVID hit, the hadn’t had it so it was going to be a big deal this year.  I suppose I don’t feel as bad not giving out candy and stuff and now I guess I’m the crazy cat lady on the corner who locks her gate at night.  And everyone can just stare at me while I yell at the neighborhood kids to get off my lawn.   Which I really don’t do, I’m exaggerating here……OR AM I?

Now back to your regularly scheduled program. Until next time……this is the Huntress, saying…”Don’t be a Moth Around a Dim Yellow Bulb, Be a Moth to a Flame, Make it worth the Burn!”