In All Of The Emotional Chaos, A Stranger Rings Poetic

Dealing with all the emotional and physical whirlwind I’ve been through the last month, I thought I’d never find one solitary moment of peace.  After going through the horror of moving from one house to another (which took for fucking ever, almost an entire month) I’m finally done with moving of any kind.  Now I just have to unpack tons upon tons of boxes and put everything away, but I can do that at my own pace.  I’m going to start where I left off when this entire home buying process began, trying to running my three miles a day.  Or at least try to pick up where I left off, I might have my work cut out for me since this is the longest I’ve stopped from running since I started running.  But forge ahead I must, I need to get back into shape only this time I will incorporate strength training.

This came to my attention during the move when I was helping my boys (or they were helping me when they’d stop laughing and joking long enough to actually get shit done) that I noticed things “jiggled” in places that jiggling wasn’t meant to happen.

It Sucks Getting Old…..er 

As the jiggling of body parts that were meant to be stationary and taunt became more obvious and of course pointed out to me by my overly sarcastic, joking, annoying boys.  I thought to myself, damned it must be nice to be Jennifer Lopez or Jennifer Aniston where I had all the money in the world to just work out six hours a day, every single day to keep the “jiggles” from happening, right?  I mean like Jennifer Lopez in the sense of being able to do a daily workout that takes up to six hours, but definitely not her propensity for not being able to stay alone for less than a week before the woman is on the arm of an old boyfriend because despite her having everything, she is the most insecure bitch ever!  Seriously, like the bitch just broke up with A-Rod a few months ago and now she and her ex, Ben Affleck.  And they are looking for a house together?!?!  What the fuck is wrong with you Jenny from the Block, are you that insecure and afraid of being alone for a year or maybe two!?  That’s a disaster waiting to happen and if it didn’t work the first time, what makes them so sure it’s going to work out the second?!?! OMFG seriously, like……

Ahem….sorry about that, back to the program, any way as I started to try and get my life together in my new home and adjusting to the hypocritical changes at work.  I wanted to get back to something familiar, satisfying and positive, which for me is running.  I’m not a good runner, I’m not even a runner per say, I just like to run because it reduces stress (supposedly) and cardio is good for you.  But I digress, I thought this was a routine I needed to get back to as I began to unpack all of the boxes in my “spare” room, and put my belongings away.  No, I didn’t do that as soon as I moved as I had to go back to work and then having to keep moving all the crap from hell from the rental house.  I positioned my treadmill in one of the empty rooms to try and get to running soon…..yes I said soon.

Gardner/Landscaper/Poet

Every morning as I park my car one of the landscapers is waiting for me, we’ve known each other since I worked at my previous department in research.  One morning way back then, it was raining gatos and perros (cats and dogs), and as I opened my car door I saw a virtual river of water rushing past my car.  I was wearing suede high heels and thought to myself, well that’s just a big old fuck you from Mother Nature isn’t it?  Of course she and I don’t get along too much but that’s an entirely different post.  Anyway, I contemplated just sitting in my car until the rain subsided, but it keep pouring as I listened to one of the local radio stations telling me it was going to keep raining for the next two days.  I attempted a second time to find a way to get from my car to the front of the building.  That’s when the landscaper held my door open, he told me in Spanish he’d placed some wooden planks so I wouldn’t have to get my shoes wet AND he flung his raincoat over me as he held an umbrella over my head and carried my computer case and lunch bag as well.  This was by far, the sweetest most romantic gesture I’d ever experienced, and by romantic I mean like what we read in books.  Not him and I romantic because he’s married, he’s just a gentleman.

He walked me all the way across the wooden planks until we got under the concrete arches that support the research building.  I thanked him profusely as I gave him back his raincoat and he handed me my things.  I went into my office and about half an hour later our senior director came in soaking wet, holding her umbrella, her clothes all wet.  Okay so she’s a totes bitch, she’s the biggest reason I left that department, so that’s just a little background story about her.  As she looked at me she said “Why are you completely dry?” I looked at her and told her what the landscaper had done for me and she said “Where is he now? He’s not out there” I shrugged my shoulders and went back to my office.  Baby Kermit came in looking the same, I just laughed and really didn’t think anything of it.

The landscaper it turns out is a poet, he recites his poetry at the other university and partakes of his poetry here as well during the wellness camp we have once a year.  So, the day after that stupid incident with my boss and Impostor, he saw me and I guess I wasn’t my usual self.  He stood there under one of the mulberry trees and asked me if I was okay.  I told him I was (I lied) and then we just smiled and then he said to me (in Spanish) “Don’t be sad, the rays of sunshine emanate from your soul, you are the reason the skies are blue, the birds sing and you are, a walking, talking poem in the form of a woman.”  It took everything I had to keep it together and not cry right there and then.  I walked up to him and shook his hand and said no one has ever said anything even remotely that beautiful to me ever.  Which is the truth, not Lestat or my stupid ex-husband and certainly not JMR.

We see each other every day as I walk from the parking lot to my office, we say good morning and we chat about whatever comes up.  He is what I think a gentleman should be, both respectful and strong, courteous and kind, good with words and gentle in the soul.   The only problem is, he has the same name as my stupid ex-husband, but I think after the impromptu poem I can forgive that flaw in the guy.

My DIY Attempt Has Begun

Yeah, yeah don’t rub it in….

Yes ladies and gents, I’m a homeowner now and I’m still trying to arrange my house, clean what I need to, throw away what I don’t need and do some “fixer-upper” type things around the house.  One thing I do need to do is paint, every single room in my house has ONE ACCENT wall that’s green.  The previous owner used the house as a rental property and I guess when the last tenant moved out he did some half-assed designing.  When I say green I don’t mean a subtle sage green, or a soothing succulent type green.  No, the motherfucker thought he was being brilliant and painted one wall in each room a fucking 1970’s avocado green, you know like the appliances that were available at the time?  Yeah, that kind of green, although JMR said it was sage green when he showed me the house but I beg to differ.

So I’ve begun that task of taking paint swatches from Lowe’s and painting one of the white walls in the spare room with small spots of different shades of paint I might like. 

But that’s going to have to wait, because there are more pressing matters that need my attention at the moment.  I need to try and change out the master bath’s vanity/sink combo, because again the previous owner probably was a cheapskate like my previous landlord and bought a vanity/sink that only a goddamned kindergartener would use.  It’s tiny, and by tiny I mean the fucking sink is only 17 inches wide, with no counter space whatsoever!!! Replacing that is my priority right now because there is no way I can wash my face, brush my teeth or even try and get ready every morning over that tiny sink that was made for a fucking Oompa-loompa.  Charlie sits there snickering at me as I try in vain to fill the sink with water (which is about the amount of a small Dixie cup) to wash my face every afternoon when I get home from work.  I’ve hit my forehead countless times because although the sink is miniscule, the fucking faucet isn’t, so the entire fucking thing is disproportionate.  The sink is child size but the faucet is normal and how in the FUCK does that make sense?!?!  I could use the hall bathroom I suppose but that guess what?  That fucking bathroom doesn’t have any electrical outlets near the sink……..FUCK MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!

Okay back to my DIY phase of fixing up my home, I’m going to attempt to change the vanity/sink in my master bath but then my master bedroom is probably THE smallest room in the house.  I plan to (eventually) make the master and 4^th bedroom into one huge master suite.  I’m going to knock down the wall dividing the two and make it HUGE, with a walk in closet and bigger master bath.  I’m going to start taking pictures of my work and progress to post them, so I can have a record of what I’ve done to my, soon to be beautiful house.  It’s definitely a diamond in the rough.

FHA and VA Loans Aren’t Qualified for Re-casting, Like Seriously Why The Fuck Not?!?!

To JMR’s credit, he did give me some very sound advice, this was before our disastrous date of course.  He gave me a folder with a lot of mortgage information which included how to re-cast your mortgage by giving a big old payment towards your principle.  And seeing as there is a bill which might give new homeowners up to a $15K tax credit for purchasing a home in 2021, but it has to pass congress and we all know that might take forever for it to become a law.  I thought why not? I thought I’d give about $9k to the principle and then have the mortgage company re-cast my amortization schedule with a lower payment.  This way I’d have a little bit more equity in my home and every year for twelve years I’d give $2500 towards my principle and pay off my house in about twelve to fifteen years.  That’s what I thought anyway, after going through all of the information JMR gave me I did some research online and found out FHA and VA mortgages don’t qualify for re-casting unless we wait four years and refinance.  It’s not that I wanted to do this right away, because I have an FHA mortgage I know I have to abide by the regulations for at least four years before I can re-cast or at this point refinance so I can recast my loan. But right now I’m like…………what-fucking-ever….

Dante and Cleopatra…..My Neighbors

I managed to meet two Pit Bull doggos that ran past me on the first day of the move.  They were blurs for a split second and then one of them came back and stood staring at me as I prayed out loud “please don’t kill me, please don’t kill me, please don’t kill me” over and over.  Then he cocked his head to one side as if to say “Relax lady, I’m not the killing kind, I’m just running free from my owner because the dude left the side gate open, and we don’t get to run free very often.”  Then I guess he saw me relax and walked towards me and I bent down to pet him and he went all friendly canine on me.  Licking me as he sat in my front yard taking a small break.  I looked at his collar and tag and saw his name is Dante.  I started to call him by his name and right then his owner ran up to me and out of breath said “Oh my gawd, thank you for holding him!” 

Dante’s human’s name is Josh, he took Dante from the collar that’s when Cleopatra ran back by, a pale gray blur and then Josh yelled “Cleo!! Come here!” and she made a hard break and came back to my yard.  She too came up to me and started wagging her tail and licking my face….I had dog slobber all over me.  But, the doggos were nice, and now when I see them jet past my fence I yell out to them and hold them for their human.  But that day when I walked into the house Charlie yelled at me…

Charlie: Meow you have canine scent on you human, explain yourself!

Me: It’s just the neighbor’s dogs Dante and Cleo…

Charlie: Meow, likely story, first you move me here to the mountain.  I had to leave meow Kat Fight Klub crew back in the old neighborhood and now you expect me to believe you don’t have a canine?

Me: I don’t have a canine Charlie, it’s the neighbor’s dogs!

Charlie: Meow be very careful human, this is treason!  He said as he sharpened his claws with one of my nail files.

So to summarize my post, I have jiggly bits all over my body which suck because I don’t remember them jiggling at all a couple of years ago.  There’s a poet gardener who makes my day every morning I see him.  I have horrid, puke green walls and a microscopic sink in my master bath, where my cat sits to watch and laugh at me as I hit my forehead trying to navigate the sink from Oompa Loompa land.  And I can’t re-cast my mortgage until four years from now.  The only neighbors I’ve met are Dante and Cleo, and they seem to be good cookies or should I say doggy biscuits.  And my cat is suspicious of me having a dog.  But as of yet, I haven’t found that any of my human neighbors are assholes….…yet. 

So until next time……this is the Huntress, saying…”Don’t be a Moth Around a Dim Yellow Bulb, Be a Moth to a Flame, Make it worth the Burn!”