The Late, Great Huntress and Overly Sarcastic Realtor
With all the drama that happened last week over the most minute issues from my in depth, IRS/CIA/FBI background check and me getting the underwriters their answers. I found myself waiting anxiously over the weekend. Then yesterday around 11:45am I get a call from my realtor JMR to let me know we had an appointment at the title company that afternoon so sign the closing documents. I wasn’t all too convinced that this was the truth since I hadn’t gotten an update CD from them with the new down payment amount.
I am very skeptical about the entire home buying process and am not convinced that Satan himself is the underwriter scanning each document and sending them all back. So when JMR told me to go get the down payment (cashier’s check of course) and to meet him at the title company by 4pm. I was beginning to realize that, “OMG this entire nightmare is finally coming to an end!” Right? WRONG!
Satan and Mother Nature Hate Me For Sure
So, I asked for permission to leave, so I could rush to the bank get the goddamned cashier’s check from my account and all the proof that it came from my account, I began to feel a bit more at ease. So before I go on, let me just say that El Paso is normally a very hot and dry city. We don’t get rainfall here more than a couple of days a year. So, it’s been raining constantly since Sunday afternoon. I’m talking thunder, lighting, sprinkles then torrential rainfall for more than two days. I didn’t think nothing of it that is until I got on I-10 headed west because that’s where the title company is located. It began to rain harder as I left the bank, clutching my purse with the down payment check inside. As I got onto the freeway I was harshly reminded that people here can’t drive in the rain. Okay clarification people here can’t drive at all, it’s a serious problem. But I digress, it’s that they can’t drive in any inclement weather what so ever! As I passed the downtown exit, traffic came to a complete stand still, it was a fucking parking lot of cars, trucks, 18 wheelers. I wasn’t moving at all, and I kept looking at the clock on my car radio thinking “Seriously what the fuck could be the problem to hold up this traffic it’s not raining that bad!”
As I sang along to Paul Revere and The Raiders song “Indian Reservation” which is one of my favorite songs, not to mention poignant as well. I began to think what stupid driving idiot doesn’t know how to drive in this rain that is causing this traffic jam. My car inched along while rain fell from above and then I get a call from JMR. He’s asking if I’m stuck in traffic like he is, and I said I was and as time ticked away he said he’d call the title company to let them know we would be a bit late. He said that if it was the last thing he did he’d get me to close that afternoon. As I passed the mountain that abuts the University, there was a small landslide of rubble, muddy orange dirt and rocks the size of soccer balls in the middle of the highway. Traffic was being held up because everyone was veering left to avoid the landslide of water, rock and mud. It was a nightmare to get past that and we were so late to the title company we didn’t get out of there until way past 5:45pm.
Fast Forward Two Hours, Four Pints of Guinness, Two Margaritas and Two Red and Blue Burgers Later
As we left the title company two hours late, it was still raining and I stood outside in front of my car getting soaked by all the fucking rain. JMR said “Well we’re almost done” and I said “Almost?” He responded with “Well the seller needs to get funded, so as soon as that happens, you can have the keys to your house.” I could feel the rain on my face and the frustration build up, I was very tired and so ready to go and have a couple of cocktails to forget the arduous journey it took to get to this day. JMR said “Have you eaten yet? I said I hadn’t, having rushed around to get to the closing, he then suggested we go grab something to eat as we both stood there with the rain coming down on us. “Okay sounds good I’m starving” he said “Leave your car here and I’ll bring you back after we eat” and I agreed.
As we sat in the pub I chugged my pint of Guinness and JMR? He had sparking water with lime, as I came to find out that he’s a recovering alcoholic. I told him we didn’t have to go to that pub but he insisted that we go because the blue cheese, sun dried tomato burger was the best. And he was indeed right, it came with shoestring fries, and it was DELISH!
So, after my third Guinness JMR and I began to converse about everything BUT the house I just signed off. I found out he’s a single dad of an adult daughter, he’s never been married (yeah I know, wtf?) and he’s a Marine that spent 8 years in the Corps. He was Mr. Chatty all throughout our meal and drinks, and revealed a lot about himself. Me…not so much. I have my guard up a bit since Lestat (yes I know I shouldn’t do that to JMR because of that) but it’s a defense mechanism. So, after my four pints of Guinness and two margaritas (yes it was all me) and the delicious burger, we decided to go home. I mean each of us to our own homes (I know what you’re thinking River, but it’s not there yet.) He walked me to my car and it began to rain again. I swear Satan and Mother Nature were playing chicken with my life as the landslide and rain made it almost impossible to get to my closing. JMR walked me to my car, and I thanked him for everything he’d done and putting up with my sarcasm and attitude. He said it had been a pleasure (I know he’s lying) because we’d gotten into so many “discussions” regarding houses, location and him standing me up once for a showing I know it wasn’t so much a pleasure for the poor guy.
Won’t You Be My Neighbor
As we tried to say a very awkward good bye, JMR hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. I hugged him back and thanked him again for putting up with me as it began to rain softly. That’s when he said “Oh, by the way did you know you’ll be my neighbor?” I did a double take and said “What?!” He laughed and said “Yeah, I live in the same neighborhood you’re going to live in. I live about eight blocks from your new house.” It seemed the rain came down harder as I stood there in disbelief and a bit shocked. Thunder from above cracked, I could see the lighting flash in my car windshield as I tried to process what he was telling me about being his neighbor……..and then he asked me to dinner.
Homeownership…..It’s An Adventure
After two excruciatingly long days I finally got the keys to my house. I drove there right after work to make sure the roof wasn’t leaking since we’ve been encountering an unusually large amount of rain the last week and a half. The seller had said that he’d reseal the roof on the house after the inspection found small parts of the roof weren’t going to pass FHA. So, as I walked through the house taking in the horribly, musty smell of dirt and plastic (yeah I don’t know why?) I began the task of transferring all my utilities to the new address with a week overlap at the rental house so that we could finish moving. I’m taking next week off for the move, and began to have a COMPLETE NERVOUS BREAKDOWN!! I realized that at my age I’m barely buying a house and what the fuck am I doing? Why the hell did I wait so long? Oh…..yeah his name is Lestat and I thought he hung the moon at the time and believed every fucking lie that came out of his forked tongued mouth. So, I call the water company to transfer service and after being on hold for about half an hour the customer service rep tells me that there’s a hold on that property for service because of an outstanding balance of $1100. I yelled out “what in the hell?!?” And the customer service rep said “all we need form you ma’am is for you to email a copy of your ID and the fully executed deed/sale contract for the property and we can start service at your new address.” Oh, well that’s like asking me to go find a gold nugget in a guano mine. It took forever to close, I haven’t gotten the fully executed paperwork from the mortgage or title company. Asking Mortgage Bitch Lady for anything at this point is useless.
JMR To The Rescue
I sent him a text asking how long it would take to get copies of the fully executed paperwork and his response, about three to four weeks!!! He called me and asked me why and I told him, he said “Don’t worry let me call the lady from the title company and see what I can do. This isn’t impossible okay?”
Well, maybe to him it didn’t seem impossible but to me it’s like going through the home buying process all over again. About an hour later I get an email from the lady at the title company with the fully executed and notarized deed/contract of sale. JMR really kept his word, and okay it wasn’t impossible but what can I say? To be continued
So until next time……this is the Huntress, saying…”Don’t be a Moth Around a Dim Yellow Bulb, Be a Moth to a Flame, Make it worth the Burn!”