AND……the Nightmare Continues………..

Nothing Can Prepare You For Any of This Shit

It’s been over a month (officially) since the “actual” home buying process began, or should I say the underwriting process that is.  Since I qualified for an FHA mortgage, I thought this would be a piece of cake since I’ve met or exceeded some of the requirements that FHA, the First Time Home Buyers and my mortgage company have asked of me.  Was that in anyway going to prepare me for the litany of constant paperwork and inquiries that I’m being asked for on a weekly basis?  No, NO IT FUCKING HASN’T!!

So this is a shortened outline of what I’ve been through the last week…..…

Mortgage Bitch Lady’s assistant – (via email, includes JMR) Ms. Huntress we need for you to submit a letter of withdrawal of an inquiry that you submitted on February 8th to your bank.  As well as your son’s bank statements which show that they withdrew the funds from their account, purchased the cashier’s checks and their balance afterwards. Also, we need for you to submit your credit card statement with a balance of zero.

Me – What the fuck?!

JMR – FHA underwriters are extremely picky and they will scrutinize everything….

Me – So what their saying is I need to prove where I got the gift funds from?  AND I have to pay down my credit card to zero?  Which will trigger activity on my bank account, which by the way, the mortgage company said to keep under $300?  Because my current balance on my credit card is $913 dollars.  So which is it? Do they want me to pay off the credit card or keep my activity on my bank account limited to less than $300?  Because if you ask me that’s a goddamned contradiction!!

JMR – *sigh* well yes, you need to pay off the credit card. Let me call Mortgage Bitch Lady and talk to her about this.

An hour later…

Mortgage Lady – Hi Huntress, so JMR called and asked about the credit card payment. In essence, we are asking that you pay this off in full. What’s your current balance?

Me – Its at $913

Mortgage Bitch Lady – Will this reduce your available funds to close?

Me – Yes it fucking will! Because I wasn’t told that I had to keep my credit card balance at zero AND not have any activity on my bank account over $300 dollars! How was I going to pay my bills until I got through this mortgage inquisition?!?!

Mortgage Lady – We’ll find a way around it

Me (in my head) – Sure you fucking will…

JMR – Can you please sign off on the revised disclosures that Mortgage Bitch Lady sent?

Me – AGAIN, this makes the 6th set of disclosures I’ve signed off on!

JMR – I told you this part of the process was going to take the longest.  Trust me it will be worth the wait.

Me – I’m starting to doubt that’s true

Mortgage Bitch Lady – Can you please sign off on the amendment for the price change on the property?

Me – *planning the demise of the mortgage lady, her inept assistant and even JMR….okay maybe not him because he’s helping me through two and a half months of house hunting, 8 rejected offers, driving me around on the weekends to look at properties and my sarcasm.  Which by the way he can match (not quite as charming as I can) but its right up there. 

Mortgage Bitch Lady – *via email, include JMR* Hi Huntress, can you please give an explanation for the item below? We need to know why you have a $50 payment for this student loan?

This is what the mortgage company sent that underwriting asked them to get from me. This student loan is from 2011!

Me – ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW!?!?!  This student loan is from 2011! I am paying off all my loans, which by the way have been consolidate TWICE!  All in hopes that since I work for a non-profit I might be able to qualify or the Public Service Loan Forgiveness Program before I fucking DIE so that I don’t have to work the drive through at Wendy’s until I’m 89 years old!!

JMR – Huntress…..calm down.  I know your aggravated but….(then reads the email he’d been copied on via my response to Mortgage Bitch Lady)…..WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Why are they asking for this now, right when we’re about to close this fucking deal?!?!

Me – *cricket…cricket….cricket*

Mortgage Bitch Lady – Oh, by the way we need for a justification from you student loan servicer to prove this loan is consolidated with all the rest.  Please contact them and provide a letter of explanation to us by the end of the day.

Me – *Harley Quinn maniacally insane laugh*………….Are……you…..serious…….hahahaha……by the end of the day…..hahahahaha……..TODAY??  It’s a fucking THURSDAY MST 3:30pm…….hahahahahaha……..that servicer is on the east coast lady!

JMR – Huntress, let me call Mortgage Bitch Lady, I’ll smooth things out to give you another day to get the info they want.

Me (via phone call with JMR) – Dude…..your dead to me….

JMR – What? Why, I’m just trying to give you a little more time to get that info to them.

Me – Exactly, you should be telling Mortgage Bitch Lady they should give me more fucking time, not just “a day.”

JMR – *sighs defeatedly*…..Okay, let me see what I can do.

Me – *dead silence*


JMR – Okay, Mortgage Bitch Lady said to take as long as you can to get them that letter.  But, that this will push your closing date back by a couple of days.

Me – Seriously? Fuck my entire life JMR…..I’m…

JMR interrupts – Seriously?

Me – Seriously what?

JMR – What you just said?

Me – *confused*…What, what did I just say?

JMR – You said “fuck you for an entire life”…..*he laughs not knowing I’m so stressed out and raging mad I’m not falling for his flirtatious attempts*

Me – That’s not what I said, I said… know what, I’m done.  I need to get back to work so…yeah.

JMR – You’re blushing

Me – No I’m not, your being a complete pain in the ass!

JMR – Admit it your blushing *laughs over the phone*

Me – *hangs up on JMR*

This was Thursday afternoon and I was working yet another COVID vaccine clinic until about 8pm that night.  When I got home I was completely fried, I had no energy, no appetite, no nothing.  I went straight to bed and had nightmares that I’d lost this house because the student loan servicer I had to contact didn’t have me on file and I started to cry over the phone.  Then I woke up the next morning still with that shit on my mind.  I got to work extra early to prepare for what I knew would be hours on the phone being transferred from one department to another.  Having to explain my situation and why I needed a stupid letter explaining that $50 payment I had showing on my “in depth, FBI-IRS-CIA researched credit report.”  I mean, only they could dig that deep and find something that happened back in fucking 2011 for fuck sake. 

Lucky for me the mortgage company provided an account number and I was able to use that as reference.  It would have been impossible to track down that student loan without it.  So I got on the phone and began a series of automated prompts thinking this was going to take me all day.  After prompting customer service I got someone on the line by the name of Jodi.  And she was AMAZING and after I told her my story she said “Of course, I think I can help with that.”  And as luck would have it she guided me to be able to log into an account I hadn’t used since 2013.  She talked me through the website and she told me I could find what I was looking for under “My Documents.”  Low and behold, there it was, that stupid account that said I had a $50 payment on, which by the way I didn’t even get because it showed as being cancelled! I thanked her profusely and I gave her the best customer service review I possibly could and downloaded the letter.

I emailed Mortgage Bitch Lady back and copied JMR so he’d know I submitted what they had requested in less time than he expected.  About an hour later I get an email from the application processor at the mortgage company to let me know all my requirements had been met, and thanked me for being so attentive with everything they had asked of me. 

To Be Continued…

No, seriously to be continued because I haven’t heard anything from them so either they’re asking the FBI-CIA to do a background check into my parents and brother (in which case I’m totally fucked) to see if I still qualify for this house.  After which I get a call from JMR telling me he got the email and that he’s pretty sure that we will close on Tuesday and that he’ll be glad to be in town to go to my closing with me.

Me – What do you mean you’ll be in town? You mean you’ve been out of town this entire week while all this drama was going on?!?!

JMR – Yes, I mean I didn’t tell you?

Me – OMG, of course you didn’t tell me.  I would have remembered that you told me you’d be out of town!

JMR – Oh…sorry I thought I did.

Me – What if I had closed this week? I would have had to close and sign all of the 15,847 documents all by myself without you there for me to ask you questions about what I didn’t understand?!?!

JMR *under his breath* – Geez your so over dramatic…..

Me – What did you just say?

JMR – Nothing

Me – No, you said something, say it.  Or are you…….chicken?

JMR – Shirley you can’t be serious?

Me – I am, and don’t call me Shirley.

JMR – Hey! You got it! Not many people will get that reference.

Me – Don’t change the subject.

JMR – *sighs* Fine. I called you over dramatic.

Me – I thought so.

JMR – I’m never going to win with you am I?

Me *sarcastically laughs* – NEVER

So until next time……this is the Huntress, saying…”Don’t be a Moth Around a Dim Yellow Bulb, Be a Moth to a Flame, Make it worth the Burn!”

Published by thehuntress915

My life has been a lot like the movie Bridget Jones Diary (the Hispanic version) constant comedic struggles and life lessons learned by way of personal experience. I've survived divorce and online dating debacles, so tag along for the ride and lets laugh together.

20 thoughts on “AND……the Nightmare Continues………..

  1. O.M.G.! How you could accomplish all of that and still be at work is amazing. Way back in 1972, my father and his lady friend were both realtors so they handled everything but the 300 signatures and 285 initials that my husband and I had to fill in – but that still didn’t alleviate the stress of the actual moving in to discover all the things the previous owner said she was going to leave and didn’t, because she was pissed that it took so long to close. I’d like to say that after the closing everything will calm down. But I don’t think you’re that naive. Fingers crossed that the 10 cents you borrowed in kindergarten for milk doesn’t come back to bite you on the ass!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Omg! You mean the owner didn’t leave what was, I’m going to assume, in the contract at the home you purchased!?!? I would have sued for breach of contract! As for the “after move” stress, I’m thinking it won’t end until about….oh…Christmas time 🤣😂😝

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Nah, it was just some furniture odds and ends and light fixtures (decorative). Nothing contractual. Although by then, I was beyond caring. It just got to me because it was supposed to be one less thing I had to think about.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Holy crap. House closings are always a nightmare but yours is right up there with the top ten ever. So sorry they’re making you jump through all these hoops. Fingers crossed they don’t find out about your secret account in the Caymans, that will really slow things down. 😉
    On a more important note, when are you going to start dating your agent? You know that’s where this is all leading…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Tell me about it, I know I’m a novice home buyer and often this experience I think I’ll stay that way. I never thought this would be so stressful not to mention rage inducing. Silence is the worst when you in the underwriting stage. As for JMR, yes there have been flirtatious moments here and there. He’s referenced every disagreement we’ve had as our first, second and third “fights.” He didn’t show up once to a showing and after I waited for him for about 20 mins he called me and apologized profusely and said he was sorry for “standing” me up. And said “please don’t break up with me.” Which went over my head actually until I told my BFF, and she yelled out at me after her fourth margarita….”Omg! The fucker is flirting with you, open your eyes dammit!” 🤔😂🤣😝
      And if anything were to happen it would definitely need to wait until after I close. I mean, I wouldn’t want things to get weird, okay weirder than they already are that is lmao.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Lmao…im not sure that would speed up the process since has nothing to do with the underwriting process. But he did say last week that he hasn’t had a girlfriend in over four years, so im thinking I’ll keep him wondering until after I close. I do plan to take him to dinner to thank him for everything he’s done since we started working with each other back in April. I’ll keep you posted 😉.

        Liked by 2 people

    1. I can’t wait for this to so be over, it’s been one giant headache. I just want to sign, get funded and have the keys to my house so I can move and settle in. Oh and paint these accent walls that every single room has in horrid avocado green. They drove me crazy as soon as I walked in the front door, these people really love green I think.
      As for JMR, not quite sure if we’re made for each other. It seems we disagree a lot, but his potty mouth and sarcasm matches mine. So in short his crazy matches mine….but I’m not sure we wouldn’t kill each other if we dated, lol.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Yes, avocado is most definitely Satans paint swatch, or one of the colors in it. Second to avocado green is mauve/maroon…..well to me it is. I’ll keep you posted on my situation with JMR 😉.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Well, what can I add to this elegant ranting ? I guess I was lucky inn1975 to bypass realtors in buying a house in North Oakland that was the cheapest item I could, find outside of speculators who bought at foreclosure auctions mandated by laws & were printed in legal newspapers so anybody with fistfuls of cash & cHops to duke it out @ auction, could steal
    Unreal estates for next to nothing , do some rudimentary Epirus my evening and or just flip the sucker for double or more your money , “buy the each and take the both “ the auctioneers would spiel. In my case , the owner took my offer of 2/3 down with one lthird remained
    @ 25=year double declining debt without middle entity vampires like banks & realtors & watnit cucarachas, but selling it , I was out from end of 6 year run when SO split, so a EST
    Front realty found a grad student who never could have qualified fr a loan, cooked up a termite “inspection” hat triggered an escrow chunk of the total i prob never got, but like pontious Pilate I washed my hands of the entire & went off on an amtrak railpass to see
    Wtf was out there & got knocked around enough over 4=decades to have enough stories for my own blog ( which btw, is linked to you)/ what ducking far out fun babe , I got you ! Back
    Dump the pimp & get more real. Times are changing fast & we gotta keep up, may be may be not, I dunno, I just watch, & wait, for just the right moment , then, boom , like now, right between the eyes, notice i’m Not promoting or selling anything , just offering sincere feed back focused on subject , your house buying schmear case. Rachmoonis, break a leg, & look under the house lest it be sinking into a swamp like the one isaw with & for a friend. In a super tight owners market, nonsense to th Nth degree. Power. It’s all about energy , power, physics and psychobabble. Keep up the good work. Take a nap, now & then . Light up a joint for a second opinion & have fun it’s itbsll spell czech be dined
    Damned infernal devices from hell,
    cWp kings ton ny Monday Monday June 28, 2021

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I tried to “like” another WPsent
    Me with you like what I wrote and I liked what insane but I had to log in & deal with pass word de bachle ring 3 times I just reset it & now they tell me
    IT is wrong after I punched
    Letters on miniature key
    Bird w/stylus so I can’t
    “like” even if I do, something anxiety boss rocked wcity ? That ydak
    Iris Lord thanks you for sharing

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey there, first of all thank you for sharing your story about your real estate experience. And second, WP can be a fickle bitch especially when you have technical difficulties. I can almost NEVER link another post because it’s a pain in the ass to do so!! But again what can I say I’m not exactly the most tech savvy person here.


  5. Yeah, the home buying process as a whole is a giant pain in the ass, but I absolutely love reading about JMR—how cute are the two of you?!?! 😻😻😻


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