Nothing Can Prepare You For Any of This Shit
It’s been over a month (officially) since the “actual” home buying process began, or should I say the underwriting process that is. Since I qualified for an FHA mortgage, I thought this would be a piece of cake since I’ve met or exceeded some of the requirements that FHA, the First Time Home Buyers and my mortgage company have asked of me. Was that in anyway going to prepare me for the litany of constant paperwork and inquiries that I’m being asked for on a weekly basis? No, NO IT FUCKING HASN’T!!
So this is a shortened outline of what I’ve been through the last week…..…
Mortgage Bitch Lady’s assistant – (via email, includes JMR) Ms. Huntress we need for you to submit a letter of withdrawal of an inquiry that you submitted on February 8th to your bank. As well as your son’s bank statements which show that they withdrew the funds from their account, purchased the cashier’s checks and their balance afterwards. Also, we need for you to submit your credit card statement with a balance of zero.
Me – What the fuck?!
JMR – FHA underwriters are extremely picky and they will scrutinize everything….
Me – So what their saying is I need to prove where I got the gift funds from? AND I have to pay down my credit card to zero? Which will trigger activity on my bank account, which by the way, the mortgage company said to keep under $300? Because my current balance on my credit card is $913 dollars. So which is it? Do they want me to pay off the credit card or keep my activity on my bank account limited to less than $300? Because if you ask me that’s a goddamned contradiction!!
JMR – *sigh* well yes, you need to pay off the credit card. Let me call Mortgage Bitch Lady and talk to her about this.
An hour later…
Mortgage Lady – Hi Huntress, so JMR called and asked about the credit card payment. In essence, we are asking that you pay this off in full. What’s your current balance?
Me – Its at $913
Mortgage Bitch Lady – Will this reduce your available funds to close?
Me – Yes it fucking will! Because I wasn’t told that I had to keep my credit card balance at zero AND not have any activity on my bank account over $300 dollars! How was I going to pay my bills until I got through this mortgage inquisition?!?!
Mortgage Lady – We’ll find a way around it
Me (in my head) – Sure you fucking will…
JMR – Can you please sign off on the revised disclosures that Mortgage Bitch Lady sent?
Me – AGAIN, this makes the 6th set of disclosures I’ve signed off on!
JMR – I told you this part of the process was going to take the longest. Trust me it will be worth the wait.
Me – I’m starting to doubt that’s true
Mortgage Bitch Lady – Can you please sign off on the amendment for the price change on the property?
Me – *planning the demise of the mortgage lady, her inept assistant and even JMR….okay maybe not him because he’s helping me through two and a half months of house hunting, 8 rejected offers, driving me around on the weekends to look at properties and my sarcasm. Which by the way he can match (not quite as charming as I can) but its right up there.
Mortgage Bitch Lady – *via email, include JMR* Hi Huntress, can you please give an explanation for the item below? We need to know why you have a $50 payment for this student loan?
Me – ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW!?!?! This student loan is from 2011! I am paying off all my loans, which by the way have been consolidate TWICE! All in hopes that since I work for a non-profit I might be able to qualify or the Public Service Loan Forgiveness Program before I fucking DIE so that I don’t have to work the drive through at Wendy’s until I’m 89 years old!!
JMR – Huntress…..calm down. I know your aggravated but….(then reads the email he’d been copied on via my response to Mortgage Bitch Lady)…..WHAT THE FUCK?!?! Why are they asking for this now, right when we’re about to close this fucking deal?!?!
Me – *cricket…cricket….cricket*
Mortgage Bitch Lady – Oh, by the way we need for a justification from you student loan servicer to prove this loan is consolidated with all the rest. Please contact them and provide a letter of explanation to us by the end of the day.
Me – *Harley Quinn maniacally insane laugh*………….Are……you…..serious…….hahahaha……by the end of the day…..hahahahaha……..TODAY?? It’s a fucking THURSDAY MST 3:30pm…….hahahahahaha……..that servicer is on the east coast lady!
JMR – Huntress, let me call Mortgage Bitch Lady, I’ll smooth things out to give you another day to get the info they want.
Me (via phone call with JMR) – Dude…..your dead to me….
JMR – What? Why, I’m just trying to give you a little more time to get that info to them.
Me – Exactly, you should be telling Mortgage Bitch Lady they should give me more fucking time, not just “a day.”
JMR – *sighs defeatedly*…..Okay, let me see what I can do.
Me – *dead silence*
20 MINUTES LATER….
JMR – Okay, Mortgage Bitch Lady said to take as long as you can to get them that letter. But, that this will push your closing date back by a couple of days.
Me – Seriously? Fuck my entire life JMR…..I’m…
JMR interrupts – Seriously?
Me – Seriously what?
JMR – What you just said?
Me – *confused*…What, what did I just say?
JMR – You said “fuck you for an entire life”…..*he laughs not knowing I’m so stressed out and raging mad I’m not falling for his flirtatious attempts*
Me – That’s not what I said, I said…..you know what, I’m done. I need to get back to work so…yeah.
JMR – You’re blushing
Me – No I’m not, your being a complete pain in the ass!
JMR – Admit it your blushing *laughs over the phone*
Me – *hangs up on JMR*
This was Thursday afternoon and I was working yet another COVID vaccine clinic until about 8pm that night. When I got home I was completely fried, I had no energy, no appetite, no nothing. I went straight to bed and had nightmares that I’d lost this house because the student loan servicer I had to contact didn’t have me on file and I started to cry over the phone. Then I woke up the next morning still with that shit on my mind. I got to work extra early to prepare for what I knew would be hours on the phone being transferred from one department to another. Having to explain my situation and why I needed a stupid letter explaining that $50 payment I had showing on my “in depth, FBI-IRS-CIA researched credit report.” I mean, only they could dig that deep and find something that happened back in fucking 2011 for fuck sake.
Lucky for me the mortgage company provided an account number and I was able to use that as reference. It would have been impossible to track down that student loan without it. So I got on the phone and began a series of automated prompts thinking this was going to take me all day. After prompting customer service I got someone on the line by the name of Jodi. And she was AMAZING and after I told her my story she said “Of course, I think I can help with that.” And as luck would have it she guided me to be able to log into an account I hadn’t used since 2013. She talked me through the website and she told me I could find what I was looking for under “My Documents.” Low and behold, there it was, that stupid account that said I had a $50 payment on, which by the way I didn’t even get because it showed as being cancelled! I thanked her profusely and I gave her the best customer service review I possibly could and downloaded the letter.
I emailed Mortgage Bitch Lady back and copied JMR so he’d know I submitted what they had requested in less time than he expected. About an hour later I get an email from the application processor at the mortgage company to let me know all my requirements had been met, and thanked me for being so attentive with everything they had asked of me.
To Be Continued…
No, seriously to be continued because I haven’t heard anything from them so either they’re asking the FBI-CIA to do a background check into my parents and brother (in which case I’m totally fucked) to see if I still qualify for this house. After which I get a call from JMR telling me he got the email and that he’s pretty sure that we will close on Tuesday and that he’ll be glad to be in town to go to my closing with me.
Me – What do you mean you’ll be in town? You mean you’ve been out of town this entire week while all this drama was going on?!?!
JMR – Yes, I mean I didn’t tell you?
Me – OMG, of course you didn’t tell me. I would have remembered that you told me you’d be out of town!
JMR – Oh…sorry I thought I did.
Me – What if I had closed this week? I would have had to close and sign all of the 15,847 documents all by myself without you there for me to ask you questions about what I didn’t understand?!?!
JMR *under his breath* – Geez your so over dramatic…..
Me – What did you just say?
JMR – Nothing
Me – No, you said something, say it. Or are you…….chicken?
JMR – Shirley you can’t be serious?
Me – I am, and don’t call me Shirley.
JMR – Hey! You got it! Not many people will get that reference.
Me – Don’t change the subject.
JMR – *sighs* Fine. I called you over dramatic.
Me – I thought so.
JMR – I’m never going to win with you am I?
Me *sarcastically laughs* – NEVER
So until next time……this is the Huntress, saying…”Don’t be a Moth Around a Dim Yellow Bulb, Be a Moth to a Flame, Make it worth the Burn!”