I find myself once more dealing with questionable characters on a daily basis that make me wonder, how in the fuck did these people make it past the background check? Okay, shut up Dave I know what you’re thinking, and I haven’t committed a felony……yet. Fucking Dave….ahem on with the show.
My boss, who is super awesome has to deal with an array of characters with somewhat problematic personalities. One, as you know, I’ve already written about Fake Buzz McCallister, a Hispanic, chauvinistic asshole who thinks he’s God’s gift to……everybody. But wait, there’s more, more asshole characters that seem, even in this day and age, to be throwbacks to the days of Madmen. Men who don’t like to be subordinate to a women, men who think they deserve to have my bosses job simply because they are….men. Now, I’m not man bashing here, I’m stating and explaining the characters that I and my boss have to deal with on a daily basis. Not all of them are this way, a couple are actually nice and very compassionate guys who are respectful to my boss and myself.
Introducing…..Fake Bob Pinciotti (from That 70’s Show).
Yes ladies and gents this asshole is a horrible guy, and a worse clinical administrator. He looks just like Bob from That 70’s show, without the curly hair, the guy acts with such stupidity it’s unbelievable. Fake Bob has the sheer ignorance for anything reasonable or practical. Bob is a fat asshole who waltzes into our suite, straight to my boss’s office without letting Fake Dolly know why he’s here. I’ve had to stop him from just walking into my boss’s office while she’s on a phone call or meeting with someone else. Twice I’ve told him to wait out front. He looks at me with that, “Don’t you know who I am?” kind of look. The third time I happened to be up front as he walked off the elevator and he completely ignored me and tried to walk past into the back offices. I said to him “Bob, can you please wait here?” and he turned around and said, in a very condescending tone “Why? I need to talk to Boss.” And I responded with “Well, does boss need to talk to you?” I could see he wasn’t happy about a woman talking to him that way, and I proceeded to say “From now on, if you need to talk to Boss, you need to make an appointment or call to see if she’s free. Otherwise I won’t let you see her.” He laughed and said, “You….won’t let me see her?”
And I said “that’s right, I WON’T let you. Did you get that? I won’t LET YOU.”
He smirked and tried to walk past me, and I got in front of him and said “Do you really want to try my patience Bob? Because you won’t like the outcome.” That’s when President Cutie Pie walked around the corner and Bob said good morning in that ass kissing, brown nosing kind of way. President Cutie Pie wasn’t in a very good mood. It’s been a hectic time for him and all the VP’s because they’ve been trying to get the COVID vaccine distribution out as fast as they can. So President Cutie Pie said “Is there something you need Bob?”
Very short, curt and to the point. Then Bob said “I’m her to talk to Boss but, Huntress isn’t letting me” and President turned to Boss’s office, her door closed and then asked me “Is Boss here?” I said “Yes sir, but she on a conference call with Lubbock” and President Cutie Pie turned to Bob and said “Did you make an appointment to see Boss?” And Bob started to sweat profusely and stared at his notebook and said “Um, well, I never had to before” as he looked at me. The President Cutie Pie said “Well, from now on, if you don’t, Boss won’t see you, do you got that?” and walked away. I looked at Bob and said “Need I say more? Next time, if you don’t call or email before you show up, I’m calling campus police and I don’t think President Cutie Pie will have any issue with me doing so” and I told him to leave. I stood there watching the motherfucker until he got on the elevator. He glared at me the entire time and all I did was laugh maniacally as the doors closed. I told Fake Dolly that if he shows up again her job is to stop him or anyone that comes to see Boss and that she needed to call me to tell me someone was here to see her.
She just nodded her head in agreement, kind of like a bobble head when you hit a speed bump, all nod no brain.
Then there is Fake Potsie Weber (Happy Days)
Potsie is a wannabe Buzz McCallister and Bob Pinciotti. He’s a young, naïve kind dumb dude that needs direction for EVERYTHING. My boss just made him an associate clinical administrator from a unit manager, and the motherfucker doesn’t know what he’s doing. Fake Potsie thinks he knows his job, but if he did he wouldn’t be calling me all the time to do shit for him. I would, at first help, but then he got an inflated ego when Boss promoted him. So when I stopped helping him, he thought he could tell me that since I work for Boss, I technically work for the administrators and it was my “job” to do what they asked of me. I stopped him right there, and told him that if he needed my help to do the simplest of things then maybe I needed to talk to Boss about his promotion. If I had to “do” his work for him, then he wasn’t ready to take over an entire clinical department as an administrator and that I should get the raise not him.
I knew that Fake Buzz and Fake Bob were telling him what to say, because he sounded just like them and in some instances used their words verbatim. I told Fake Postise, “I’d be careful about who you listen to and take advice from. Other administrators don’t care about helping you, they just want attention and not all their advice is for your own good, it’s for theirs.” Cheesus crust these people have bigger egos and god complexes than their doctors, assholes.
Then we have Fake Andrew Squiggman aka Squiggy (Lavern & Shirley)
Fake Squiggy is just that, fake. He’s a short, annoying pain in the ass who likes to brown nose to anyone whom he thinks will help him and/or praise his mediocre efforts. This short, briefcase carrying kiss ass is also an administrator and he’s not misogynistic or chauvinistic like Fake Buzz or Fake Bob. He’s just….a back stabbing little weasel. One thing you don’t do is piss off my boss, although she’s a soft spoken white lady, when she’s angry it’s like the devil let loose a tornado of fire. No, seriously you don’t piss my boss of for any reason. But what did Fake Squiggy do? Yep, he pissed of my boss in the worst way imaginable. How do you do that? By doing things she didn’t approve with her budget that’s how, and by working with her nemesis, Fake Carol. Fake Carol to be honest is on her way out, as the VP for Finance she’s alienated pretty much everyone including President Cutie Pie. She is only now trying to rectify shit she should have a long time ago. So she thought by manipulating Fake Squiggy she’d get back into President Cutie Pie’s favor….WRONG.
All she did was cause more upheaval and problems for my boss by manipulating Fake Squiggy into spending money from MY boss’s budget and not hers. Well, that didn’t go well for Fake Squiggy or Fake Carol. Since I monitor all of my boss’s budgets, I noticed a lot of things being charged that weren’t authorized by her. I brought it to her attention and then did some research and found Fake Squiggy, the rat bastard was helping Fake Carol in doing shit they shouldn’t. Now, let me clarify that Fake Squiggy is directly under my boss, so when you go and listen to another VP who isn’t your superior, that doesn’t sit well with any of the higher administration. Then after my boss tore him a new one, he blamed me for the bullshit he caused. And of course what did the Huntress do? I tore him another asshole in addition to the one my boss had already given him. Yep, that’s right I did and he deserved every inch of that new asshole because I told Fake Squiggy that he shouldn’t bite that hand that feeds him by going around our boss. This motherfucker doesn’t like confrontation, unlike Fake Buzz and Fake Bob, he shrunk into an even smaller, shorter version of himself standing in the doorway to my office.
Then there is…..Managing Director, whom I’ll call Dora the Explorer.
I’m not bashing her, she’s totes awesome, I just thought I’d mention a positive management figure rather than total douche-assholeness. And not because I’m making fun of her by calling her Dora the Explorer, okay I might be, just a little. But it’s because you can see her walking all over campus carrying her backpack where she keeps her laptop and everything she needs as she travels back and forth from department to department. She’s one smart cookie, and she’s my boss’s contracting person who has been helping with the purchasing of property around the university for our eventual expansion. Dora has helped me in learning the ropes when it comes to contracting, the purchase of real property and the design and distribution of space on campus. Yes, there is such a thing as having space designed and utilized for different departments. Although Fake Buzz and Fake Bob love to hoard space with putting crap in unused offices, but my boss and I have a plan for those two assholes and their hoarding of space. Well that’s all for this week. Stay tuned for the next installment of, (insert echo here)……ASSHOLES I WORK WITH!
This is the Huntress, saying…”Don’t be a Moth Around a Dim Yellow Bulb, Be a Moth to a Flame, Make it worth the Burn!”