I know my posts have been few and far between, especially now with my new job, and boss. I’m busy as hell and my day goes by so fast sometimes when I realize it, it’s time to go home. And then I get home and I run and do yoga to stay in shape, so that I don’t get too stressed out from my new job. It’s a vicious cycle….speaking of vicious, on with the show…..
I’ve lived in this rental house for about 12 years now, and only recently (since our cat Charlie Bruiser O’Houlihan) adopted us to be his humans (okay technically he’s my son’s cat, correction my son is Charlie’s human, glad I straightened that out right?) have I had any issues with those asshole mockingbirds that decided to make the palm tree in our back yard their home.
Anyway, earlier this year when all this COVID hit, and I was forced to work from home did I notice that there was a bird that was bullying my cat, and he’d just lie there on the grass not really paying attention to this feathered menace. But then it seemed that the attacks got worse, to the point that Charlie couldn’t spend some of his quality sun bathing lounging time in peace, before he’d be all upset and at the backdoor wanting to come back in.
I did somewhat of a stakeout one morning, I sat outside as Charlie went about his morning routing, lying on his back in his favorite dirt spot and just taking in the morning vibes. Then I saw it, that skinny legged, bitchy feathered bullying motherfucker just dive bomb my calm feline. He seemed to just touch him but then Charlie ran under the patio chair I was sitting on and that asshole bird began hopping towards him, completely oblivious to my presence.
I had a broom in my hand as I had just finished sweeping under the porch when I sat down to admire Charlie and his morning ritual. I didn’t move, but Charlie seemed to be off kilter and as soon as the prick of a Mockingbird came close enough, I swung the broom and all I saw were feathers fly and then…….no bird. I looked hard but couldn’t find it, Charlie looked up at me…..took out his cell phone (yes he has a cell phone, y’all know this) and with his fat cat beans (paws) he began to type.
I looked at him, and then I said
Me: Charlie, are okay ya big chicken shit?
Charlie: Meowscuse me? Chicken shit, who are you talking to the neighbor’s dog Rocco?
Me: No I’m talking to you, and who are you texting while I’m talking to you?
Charlie: I’m texting Suri (our neighbor Laura’s cat), she bet me $5 worth of quality nip that my owner couldn’t hit Ralph.
Me: Ummm…who’s Ralph and why are you betting nip…….you know what I don’t want to know.
Charlie: Ralph, that feathered creature that wants to kill me.
Me: that asshole mockingbird has a name?
Charlie: meowduh? Of course he does.
Me: how do you know this?
Charlie: Grady the other tabby told me.
Me: Grady? The other gray tabby that kicks your ass every other night?
Charlie: Meow-what?!?! Human! How dare you assume I get my ass kicked! Meow needs to respect meow-presence.
Me: yeah, yeah tell me that when you bring me the dead feathered body of the mockingbird menace.
Charlie: Meow will bet me $5 or quality nip, if I bring you the body of the feathered menace?
Me: Yeah, or whatever, why are you still texting?!
Charlie: Telling Suri about my human and her insolent behavior.
Me: How many times do I have to tell you I’m not your human?
Charlie: Meow-acts like my human, therefore you are my human.
Me: *eye roll*
Charlie: meow-saw that human
Charlie: meow-challenged me, meow shall deliver……
I stood there watching Charlie furiously texting on his brand new smart phone, with wireless cat-ear buds no less. A phone he says he bought with his profit from selling this special nip he imports from Puerto Rico. Which made me wonder why the UPS guy drops stuff off and then asks for my cat….by name no less.
As he continued texting, he said…
Charlie: Meow-can go, I do not need your assistance here anymore human……*still texting*
The next day we repeated our routine to see if Ralph the asshole Mockingbird would show up. And sure enough, the prick did. Charlie sun bathing in his dirt spot, me sitting with the broom on the patio chair and then, Ralph chirped out loud and dived bombed Charlie again.
Me: Charile!! Are you okay?
Charlie: Meow-does it look like meow-am okay?
I looked at him from nose to tail, and I didn’t see anything. I looked for Ralph all over the back yard, broom in hand. I walked towards the front yard, then as I walked back through the backyard gate I heard Charlie having a conversation with Rocco and Jerry the two German Shepard dogs from our back neighbor.
Rocco: Geez Chuck, did he really get you?
Jerry: Don’t call him Chuck, he doesn’t like that….
Charlie: Meow, savage canines, meow is hurt, and all you can do is stare at meow?
Rocco: Hey Chuck, Ralph told me he’s got a contract out on you, you’d better be careful.
Charlie: meow-contract!? How meow-much?
Jerry:…..licking himself not paying attention…
Rocco: He said 10 pounds of birdseed to the feathered, 6 pounds of nip to the other felines and 15 Milkbones to the canines.
Charlie: Meow-kay, that’s fuckers going down!!!
Rocco: Hey Chuck, your owners coming for you.
Charlie: Meow-if you call me Chuck one more time…..
Me: Charlie! Are you okay?
Jerry to Rocco: Yeah that cat is milking that injury for all it’s worth….
As I picked Charlie up and carried him into the house, he lay down on the kitchen tile, because he cools down there. I freshened his water with some cool water with ice and as I bent down I saw a tiny puncture wound on Charlie’s fluffy belly.
Me: Oh my god Charlie, does it hurt?
Charlie: Meow-no, only my ego is bruised, meow is plotting revenge on Ralph. The backyard, uncultured savages told me he has a contract out on me……*takes out his cell phone again*
Me: Who told you this? Rocco and Jerry?
Charlie: Meow-hush human, I’m trying to think..
Me: While your texting?! Ugh…
Charlie: Meow, yes, if I had fingers I’d hush you meow-human style…
Charlie: *gets up and walked to the door, stares out towards the back yard*
Charlie: Meow-stop staring at me human…meow feels your eyes on me….
Me: *walks away*
The next day I didn’t go outside with Charlie, I figured if the mofo had a brand new smart phone he’d be able to handle himself against Ralph the Asshole Mockingbird. As I sat at my computer I heard the loud chirping, some sort of ruckus in the back, but I ignored it.
Then silence, nothing, no chirping, no Rocco and Jerry barking, nothing. It was dead silent, then after about 15 minutes….
Charlie: *muffled voice* Meow-hooman…opn da door…..
Me: Oh Charlie…now what?
Charlie:*muffled voice* meow-opn da doo…opn, meow-mhave smfing for meow-you…..
And that’s when I saw it……
Charlie was at my back door with Ralph that feathered menace Mockingbird in his mouth!
Me: I’m not opening the door with that thing in your mouth Charlie!
Charlie: *drops dead Ralph* Meow told me if I brought you the dead feathered body of Ralph meow-would give me $5 worth of quality meow-nip! Meow-pay up human.
Me: I never agreed to that Charlie!
As I went to go get him his nip mouse with some fresh nip, he sat at the door glaring at me. We argued for the next 45 minutes about him bringing Dead Ralph into the house. He argued his side and I argued mine, but since it’s my house I won. He did pout for about two days, he’s a cat after all and those damned felines can pout better than any kindergartner I’ve ever known, that’s for sure.
So what did Charlie do when he lost? He went back outside, picked up Dead Ralph and went into the grass and played with Dead Ralph for about half an hour. I went back to work and then when 5pm rolled around I locked my computer (because I’ve found paw prints on the keyboard) and quit for the day. As I walked past the back door, there Charlie was…….chomping on Dead Ralph….or what remained of Dead Ralph….I closed the inside door.
Charlie:*mouth full of food muffle* meow-didn’t let muh eat inside, meow needs Tabasco…..and some of that white wine in the fridge.