Since I’ve been working from home, and yes, I have really been working, I have come across some very interesting people in my neighborhood, not that I didn’t know them, I just hadn’t written about them. Arionis, mentioned that maybe that working from home, I may not have any blog material to write about, giving people their pet names and such. Not so, as I have plenty of people in my neighborhood that I can make fun of….ahem write about.
I pondered this and realized that there is always blog material to write, some interesting and others……. not so much. I live in a somewhat quiet neighborhood, I say somewhat because I have a neighbor, whom I’ll call Prick Harley Guy. This motherfucker has been my neighbor across the street, three houses down the left from my front yard. I don’t know what his real name is, all I know is that his last name is Casas.
He’s a complete asshole who thinks his neighbors who want to listen to his arguments with his family. Seriously this prick yells at his kids and whatever girlfriend was stupid enough to give him a chance at a relationship, loud enough for everyone in the neighborhood can hear. I’ve heard him yell things like “And you think your special enough for me NOT to wear a condom?!” to some poor woman who yelled back “Oh hell no, I never asked you to NOT wear a condom, I asked you to make sure you put it on asshole!!” Yeah shit like that.
And if people were out in their front yards while his verbal diarrhea spewed like a giant lewd lawn sprinkler he’d yell at the neighbors “What?! You people have nothing else to do but listen in on private conversations?!?!” Yep, he’s that stupid if he thinks yelling at his family and/or girlfriends in his yard loud enough for everyone in a two block radius to hear is a private conversation…..lort give me patience.
So he got his name because he used to be an over the road truck driver, and was away for weeks at a time. We’d know this because the neighborhood would be totally quiet and serene. Also because when he’d be home, the prick would park his rig in front of his house. But it was the fact that he had this huge Harley Davidson motorcycle, and early on the weekends when he was home, he’d get on it and rev the fucking thing (many, many times) and wake up half the neighborhood. Or late at night when everyone was asleep, again no social cues whatsoever.
My son was on the verge of going over there to shut him up, but I told him that going to jail wasn’t worth that assholes idiot ass. Then, two years ago, he went silent and all of us wondered (happily may I add) what had happened. Then one day, I saw him out in his front yard and he sat there, quiet as a mouse and thought to myself, well that’s weird.
A couple of weeks went by and I found out from another neighbor that the asshole had an accident on his Harley. It seems he almost became a hood ornament for a Mack truck……oh the irony. The fucker was learning how to walk and talk again…..karma is a fickle bitch sometimes don’t ya think?
Then there is RedNexican Trailer Trash Guy, who lives two houses down from me on the corner to the left. This asshole motherfucker thinks he lives in a trailer park (not that there’s anything wrong with that, so don’t go getting your knickers in a twist, you know who you are) because he has five, YES FIVE piece of shit Toyota SUV’s and trucks on his lawn. Apparently he modifies these things for money. Lifting them, adding roll cages, light bars, extra luggage racks on top so they can carry gas cans and shit. On the weekends he and his trailer trash friends who pay him to modify these monstrosities, gather and weld, drink beer and make all kinds of stupid noises coming from his house. My son did go and have words with him because the prick cleaned his yard and left all of his trash in a pile and it was windy that day and we wound up with his trash in our front yard.
My son (don’t ask me how) made the fucker come and pick up his trash and stood there over the guy (who is considerably smaller than my giant son at 6’1) while he picked up all of his yard waste from the front of our house. All I heard after he was walking away was my son saying “Don’t fucking do it again” and RedNexican Trailer Trash Guy not once turning around, walked into his house. I’ve hated this guy since he moved in, as neighbors we all know each other and go out of our way to introduce ourselves to new neighbors. When I and some other neighbors tried, this asshole just ignored us and walked into his back yard. So there are so many reasons to hate this mofo, oh and I’m pretty sure this bastard killed my neighbors cat, Keanu. Keanu was a huge lovable feline who was my cat’s BFF. My Neighbor Laura was so distraught she got sick, she thinks RedNexican might have poisoned Keanu, therefore I hate this asshole.
Then I have Mr. and Mrs. USMC, a retired Marine and his wife who live across from RedNexican Trailer Trash Guy, and across from me two house down on the opposite corner. They are the sweetest couple I’ve ever met. He served in Vietnam and retired from the Corps in 1986, became a math teacher at a local high school and retired from there in 2003. They have a huge family and they are always over during football season. The only thing bad about these neighbors are………….they’re Cowboys fans.
Then directly across from me I have Asshole Gary and his wife Ann, Asshole Gary got his name for just that, being an asshole. He and his wife do the most inane things like having their granddaughter’s birthday party in the fucking front yard!! Jumping balloon and all AND leaving the jumping balloon up for almost a week. That is when the Huntress called the city compliance department letting them know they didn’t have a permit to have that thing up more than three days. The Huntress knows her city ordinances dammit, and if you have a huge castle shaped jumping balloon in your yard along with all the trash from that stupid party, I’m going to fucking report your dumbass! Asshole Gary has no verbal filter, and when I began to run outside I’d run by his house and he’d yell out “Hey, you’re getting in shape for your imaginary husband?” and he’d laugh to which I’d respond, “Yes Gary, you prick, how about you go put on a t-shirt because your huge gut isn’t imaginary and all the neighbors get nauseated looking at you!”
They he’d get pissed, seriously the asshole gave me looks after I’d respond to his comments and actually looked surprised…….now THAT’s a stupid person when they look at you when you insult THEM, not realizing what they said to you. His wife isn’t so much annoying as…weird. She has a life-size Elf On A Shelf she puts in the giant living room window during the holidays. Which is really unsettling when you leave for work in the early morning hours and see that stupid, giant life-size, child scamming, mind-fucking toy staring back at me while I get in my car to go to work. I flipped-off that stupid giant toy every time I left work during the holidays.
Then I have Opposite Andy, my neighbor in the back who uses his chimney during the summer which is odd enough and bbq’s in the dead of winter singing all the Triumph, Boston and .38 Special songs he can remember the words to. He’s the owner of Rocco and Jerry the two German Shepard dogs my cat Charlie likes to taunt while sitting on the rock-wall that separates our back yards. Charlie sits there on the wall, listening to the dogs bark their heads off, all the while swinging his long tail back and forth as if bored by the dog’s reaction. He has a ton of step-grandchildren, annoying step grandchildren at that. Those little bastards constantly fling basket, soccer, base and footballs over my backyard fence. I had two giant boxes of these toys I’ve donated to Goodwill because they wouldn’t come get them from my yard. I think they’re afraid of me, which considering the situation is a good thing because they are brats with a capital B!
Then on the left side of my house I have Laura and her husband Mario, I don’t have nicknames for them because they are my caring neighbors that have looked out for me and my house when I’m not here. In return I do the same for them, they are a middle-aged couple with two adult daughters and two cats. Their daughters are both married and live out of state so they live by themselves, and on occasion they have family over on the weekends to bbq in the backyard and invite me over to join. I love them to death so therefore, no nicknames.
Then I have Karaoke Asshole Singers who live right behind Laura and Mario, these pricks love to bring out their Karaoke machine in the middle of the week AND in the middle of the night and sing…..LOUDLY! El Paso has a noise ordinance that you can’t have any loud music/noise after 1am. But it’s a bitch to get that enforced, if you call the police, they never show, or the police dispatch will tell you that it’s not an emergency and they will get a police cruiser out “as soon as they can” which means, they don’t care. I do realize that the police have better things to do but when you have a neighbor who doesn’t work and sings all night (and badly may I add) keeping the rest of us up during the week, one has to get creative.
Because the Huntress has many friends in law enforcement (no not because I’ve been arrested) and decided to call in a favor with one of them (I had no choice, Karaoke Asshole Singer was getting out of hand). So my friend James paid that neighbor a visit one night while he came to visit, James is a detective with the county Sheriff’s department. I don’t know what was said or done but Karaoke Asshole Singer stopped singing after midnight, well at least during the week anyway. Because of which Opposite Andy, Laura and Mario thanked me, I got a bottle of Tequila from Andy in appreciation. Hey the Huntress does what she can to keep the peace in the neighborhood.
Then there is Faux Carry Bradshaw and her husband Mr. Small, they live next door to me on the right. FCB and Mr. Small are called so because they bought the house next door about a year and a half ago, relocating from Alpine Texas. At first she seemed like a nice enough person then she began to ignore me, and when I say ignore, I was in no way going out of my way to talk to her. But her husband Mr. Small always waves to say good morning or good afternoon, and she did too at first. Then she stopped, I would wave and she’d just look at me, get in her car and drive away. I thought to myself well that’s rude, so I stopped and then I noticed she dressed like she was in Sex and the City. Before I move on, I know people think Sarah Jessica Parker’s character in that series is some kind of fashion icon. But I beg to differ, she had horrible fashion taste but that’s just me.
That’s how FCB dresses, mismatched outfits, shoes and wearing things like feathers and puffy scarves with so much bling it’s blinding. The bitch works in a call center for God sake, and dresses like she’s living in NYC?? She’s snobby and narcissistic thinking she’s “the” most beautiful woman on the block. She began to run about the same time I did, and I’d pass her while she was “running” and think to myself, she’s not running for running sake. She’s running to show off what she’s wearing. I on the other hand run because I’m training for my very first run, an 8K in April. Hopefully it won’t get cancelled, I’d be okay with it if they postponed it for later on this year because my goal was to run a 5K. But I was stupidly convinced into running an 8K, which is a little over five miles. Anyway, FCB and Mr. Small live next to me and my cat Charlie and their Cat Grady fight all the time.
I’m sure it’s because of Grady (Grady is a female) her having her owners narcissistic attitude as well. And Charlie being, well my cat is putting Grady in her place. Bringing her down to earth so to speak in a feline way, about her bad choices of cat fashion and running attire. Who would have thought that I was already practicing social distancing with my annoying neighbors, eh?
Remember practice social distancing, wash your hands and stay safe everyone!
This is the Huntress, over and out!