Work has been crazy, I’m talking super crazy, like Harley Quinn in Suicide Squad, carry a baseball bat, custom chrome revolver in your gun holster, hold my water bottle full of vodka while I tell you what I think of you, crazy. Assumptions are something I don’t like to make myself, but yet most of us do it at the drop of a hat, all because of what someone says, how they dress, their likes or dislikes, all that nonsense. And, well professionally it can go both ways and I’m going to explain why.
I work in an office of sponsored projects, which means a group us works with faculty members and their proposals for external funding for their research. We try to steer them in the right direction in many ways. Such as editing of their written proposals, reading sponsor guidelines (because believe me, most of them don’t) to keep within what the sponsor requires or allows. But a big chunk of what we do is work with budgets, how to get them within sponsor maximum amounts, indirect costs, allowable expenditures etc. But, within the last year we’ve had another office/department stick their dirty little, money grubbing, uneducated fingers in our sponsored project business. I’ll call this department, the department of Bernie Madoff, and for the most part they are in charge of our university’s brand, logo, how it’s used, when and where it should be used and by whom. They are also in charge of fundraising for the university from alumni, community leader and others that wish to donate to the university.
They are a group, for the most part, of stupid people who can’t define a sponsored project from a donation or gift. The two “top” people come from a University in a near by state that shall remain nameless, and their experience combined is about……….NIL! One of the people who works for them is someone I worked closely with in the past, and she is probably the only sane and remotely educated one out of all the office. She, through no fault of her own, has to be associated with this group of idiots because she works there. She helps with grants that are submitted through our university’s foundation, because “they” believe that if it’s a donation, their office should be the one to submit that proposal on behalf of the faculty member and institution. This is done to boost their “donation” numbers and this was implemented by the previous Vice-Chancellor. Before I go on, I will give a little background on the previous Vice-Scammer, because they scam people into giving to the foundation so they can say they’ve met their fundraising goals. Her name is not important, but she believed that anything that resembled a “donation” would boot their offices numbers and my managing director agreed. But my director said she would decide if it was a worthy of Bernie’s department’s involvement in the submission.
Well that quickly spiraled out of control when the former Vice-Scammer decided to take control over a lot of the submissions despite our office trying to stop her. It was financial train wreck, and now it’s headed downhill, full speed ahead. In any case, the former Scammer was promptly fired when they found she was embezzling funds from the foundations donations. Yep, she was stealing money from the donated funds to purchase things like designer purses, shoes and other personal items. She was fired from her position, and was walked out of her office by campus police without allowing her to gather her things other than her purse and whatever she had on. She was banned from ever setting foot on campus again and was told she had to resign instead of it getting out she was getting fired. Why they did that for her to save face is beyond me? She was also ordered to repay what she stole in order to avoid having charges brought against her.
She agreed to everything, and I’m thinking she wasn’t prosecuted because she happens to be closer personal friends with one of the Board of Regents and prominent business owner here in town who helped bring this medical school to El Paso. So, back to the current Vice-Scammer, she and her entire office, who believe that they have a say in what we, in office say and do. I’ve already made several enemies in that office because of my “strong” character. One of them happens to be the managing director, who was recruited by the current Vice-Scammer from her previous university near by, not saying which one but close.
He’s a horrid person all around, he has NO experience in what we do, but feels free to constantly question out methods and work. So let me give a bit of information on this so called “professional writer” and fundraising, piece of shit, asshole prick, mother-fucking narcist. He, is a published author, but that doesn’t mean he’s a good writer. I looked up his books, and he is a “dark fiction” writer. And yet, his professional writing leaves something to be desired. I read a proposal he supposedly edited for one of our faculty members and there were so many grammatical errors it wasn’t even funny. Anyway, I won’t mention the names of his 7 books but one has a character who is a narcist, and having issues with his daughter. I’ll call him Jar-Jar Binks, because of the hatred for this character and all that he does and stands for. Because his ego is incredibly over-inflated and this is perpetuated by the Vice-Scammer, he thinks he can talk down to everyone in our office, and his rude attitude also shows up in emails as well.
Because of all the friction between our offices, the President’s office had to get involved, and there have been a series of meetings with our office, the office of scamming for funds and two other accounting offices and the office of audit. Yes, it’s gotten that out of hand and all because of Jar-Jar and the Vice-Scammer. Oh, yeah and a woman they recruited from a local non-profit that has many years of “fundraising” under her belt. Under her big, fat, loud eating, slurp-drinking, food in her mouth, nasal-talking, whiny ass belt! She reminds me of Roseanne Bar, only less attractive. I’ll call her….Roseanne, because of these three inept people we’ve come to a head and our office is getting tired of them meddling in our daily business. So, we had a meeting with all the people mentioned above. When the meeting began, we (all of us) were civil, and I was trying real hard to keep my mouth shut as they (Jar-Jar and Roseanne) were attempting to give us their reasoning as to why, they should approve OUR WORK.
After 45 minutes, it was clear we were getting nowhere and both my directors were beginning to fray. And, we just found out our director is expecting, and she’s the sweetest person I could have ever worked with. So, sitting there listening to all the stupid gibberish and seeing that my director was beginning to stress out. I looked over at one of my co-workers and she nodded like saying, “Please, whatever you do or say, don’t piss anyone off.” But, hell, you know me, and I actually took her silent plea and didn’t say anything. But as Jar-Jar and Roseanne kept on about how they have the “right” to see what we submit because half of it is, as they put it, donations and gifts, I finally lost it. I finally broke my silence and asked “Excuse me, do you know the definition between a gift and or donation and a grant?”
They looked at me and Jar-Jar responded “That’s irrelevant here, because your office……” and then I interrupted again and said “I see, so no one in your office knows the definition, right?” Then Roseanne smugly asked me “Well, do you?” and I said “Yes, I sure do. A gift is an unrestricted amount of funds that can be used at the discretion of the recipient. And a grant is restricted amount solicited for the specific purpose of utilizing those funds according to the sponsor’s guidelines that are bound by an agreement, budget, financial reporting and a timeline.”
Then Jar-Jar laughed and said “Did you just make that up?” and Roseanne joined in the mocking as I finally felt the last of my ever fraying rope snap. My directors were both angry at these idiots dismissal of what I had just said. And before they could answer to either of them I said “No, I don’t make things up, I’m not a so-called professional writer of dark fiction, I only present facts” and Jar-Jar turned red with anger.
I could see his eyes throwing virtual darts my way as I sat in my chair, with a smirk on my face. Then the Vice-Scammer said “Well okay we need to keep things professional here” as she turned my way and continued “I’m sure you can try and do that can’t you?”
I looked at her and responded with, “Of course I can, and I shouldn’t have lowered myself to your staff’s level since they are the epitome of unprofessional, as constantly proven in their communication with our office.” She looked at her staff and that’s when my director said “We need to find a solution to working with each other.” For the remaining two hours (yes it was a long, long day) I maintained my professionalism, and they strained themselves to do so as well. Although I could see it was hard for them on their stupid faces, trying to speak but no doing so for fear of a quick retort from my office.
After our meeting both my directors asked to speak with me and I thought for sure I was going to get fired for speaking out of place. Because after all, I was rude to the Vice-Scammer, the managing director and director corporate relations. She’s more like the director of horrid table manners and line snorting the mini muffin basket that was on the conference table between us. NO, I’m not fat shaming her, because I don’t like her it’s different. She’s a narcist, half-wit that thinks she knows everything who happens to be overweight. If she was a nice person I’d never think of her in that manner. BUT I DIGRESS….
Both my directors were kind and they said that I might need to take some anger management, and I looked at them and (in a nice way) said “I don’t need anger management, I manage my anger very well, that’s what I do in situations like today’s. I manage my anger at the very point of it beginning to boil over. I say what’s in my head and I never take work anger home with me.” My direct supervisor laughed and said “I know you do, and what you said was not only the truth and well deserved but maybe next time, you can tone it down just a tad?” I was like, okay but I’m sure from now on I won’t be sitting in on many of those meetings.
Assumptions about these people and of course their arrogant manner, I have no other impression than the one they made on me and coworkers. And I’m sure they’re assumption of us was, at one point, that we knew our shit. The entire experience was annoying and stressful, and conjured feelings of coworkercide and torture (them not us) not to mention Baby Kermit’s CONSTANT throat clearing!! This made me think that these asshole pricks from the Madoff office definitely saw us as inept. I was beyond angry, I wanted to just turn to Baby Kermit and yell out at her “Will you fucking desist already?!!? Do you not know how fucking annoying that shit is?!?!”
But I didn’t, I just sat there as those asshole pricks looked at her like the bitch had horns on her head, covered in green skin and boogers coming out of her fucking nose. I was not only pissed, I was embarrassed as well. After trying to make them see that, no we didn’t need their input, and we know how to do our jobs, Baby Kermit and her operatic throat clearing made us look like fucking idiots, because she did it almost every other minute during the dialog between our offices. And everyone would stop and look at her, but she never looked up and kept taking notes on her pad, like no one would notice that annoying noise coming out of her fucking, piehole!
Not to mention her high pitched voice when she answered questions. She talks like a fucking fifth grader, with the constant….Um…yes, but…um….well….we could see about that….but um….
By the end of this meeting, I wanted to fucking kill her just as bad as I wanted to kill Jar-Jar, Roseanne and Vice-Scammer. To drag their lifeless bodies wrapped in tarps into the drainage system behind the university and watch their bloody corpses roll down the hill into the puddle of sewage. Yes, including Baby Kermit, that bitch has stomped on my last fucking nerve with her throat clearing! Now, just for the record it’s not normal throat clearing. It’s an annoying, loud bullfrog, raspy throat clearing!
Needless to say, I was in dire need of a couple of bottles of wine to get me through the weekend before I walked into the office this morning.
Remember, keep your friends close and your enemies on deep freeze until you can find a place to bury them where no one will find them.
P.S This has nothing to do with my post, but I saw Birds of Prey this weekend and found there’s a character called Huntress, not “The” Huntress but Huntress and she seemed like a woman hell bent on revenge……..I liked her. But did you think I wouldn’t?
P.S.S I had a dream that I was married to Chris Pratt…….it must have been the three bottles of wine I had on Friday night…..I’m not complaining.
This is the Huntress, Over and Out.