Sarcastic Children and Their Misconceptions About……… Everything.

I’m sure those of you that have kids have encountered or have been in conversations with them while they were little and the things that are in their heads are just………..awesomely weird.  I have three boys (men now) but when they were growing up they were each a handful.  So when they’d decide to get together and combine their shenanigans, in what I’d call a verbal tag team of sarcasm.  Which at times had me at the end of my ever fraying rope!

Frogs are NOT Tampons……

My youngest was always an adventurer, he’d wander out during rainy days to go find worms, frogs and all kinds of buggy, little squirmy things to bring back to me.  Well apparently one day while my two older boys were insulting each other they called each other douche bags and tampon lovers (they’re boys go figure).  They must have been around eleven and nine years old respectively.  My youngest was about four, and very impressionable at that, this kid would never forget a damned thing I said or did.  And believe me he’d call me on it, but I digress.  One day we had just left the dentist office as all three of them had their annual checkup and cleanings and we were on our way back to the east-side, looking for someplace to eat lunch.  At the time I had a 2002 Red Mustang, and all four of us were in the car, and they began to get loud, then louder and then an all-out fight began, name calling, yelling, my oldest telling me to tell my middle son to stop being a smart ass.  My middle son telling me to tell my oldest to stop being a douche…..and on and on.

my-kids-are-just-as-weird-and-twisted-as-am-6995479

I was, to say the least ready to snap as I had promised them I’d take them to lunch after we’d finished with the dentist.  I yelled out at all of them, telling them I’d leave them by the side of the road if they didn’t stop it and shut up!  And my middle son said “Okay mom, maybe someone can buy me lunch because you’re starving your kids by driving so slow.”  And my baby yelled at him saying “Don’t yell at my momma you big tampon!”  We were all caught off guard, there was silence, and then laughter and my middle son said to him “Shut up butt face, you don’t even know what a tampon is!”

My baby turned around and in his innocent, baby like voice he said “Ah-ha, I do so know what a tampon is, it’s a little baby frog that is born in the puddles after it rains, you big tampon!”

Bert and Ernie meme

My oldest and I were trying to hold in our laughter but it was too much because that’s when we realize that my youngest son, the adventurer, the one that never forgot anything I’d tell him thought a tampon was a tadpole and it was hilarious!”  I laughed all the way to Sonic, because there was no way in hell I was going take these three boys into a restaurant acting the way they were.

Stigmata isn’t an Eye Condition….

My oldest was about fourteen years old when I had to take him to the eye doctor so he could get a checkup have his eye glass prescription checked and adjusted.   It seemed like we’d waited for hours, and it was only myself and my two oldest boys because my middle one had a doctor’s appointment earlier in the day because his throat was bothering him.  He’s the impatient, smart-ass, sarcastic one (I wonder where he gets that from?) and was beginning to whine about the wait.  After my oldest walked out of the eye doctor’s exam room, the doctor told me that his prescription only needed to be slightly adjusted and that he was fine.

I thanked the doctor, paid and went to go look for frames for my oldest son.  About half an hour later as we made our way down I-10 (headed to lunch again) with my oldest in the passenger side of my red mustang and my middle son sitting in the back seat, my oldest turned to look at me and said “Mom, the eye doctor said I had stigmata, is that bad?”  And me being the sarcastic mom I responded with “Oh my god, are you serious, where?”  And my middle son sitting in the back busts out laughing.  All the while my oldest looks at me and says “Duh mom, I have stigmata in my eyes!” And my middle son (laughing that mocking laugh he has) says “You have astigmatism dumb-ass, not stigmata!” My oldest looks back at my middle son, and punches him in the leg, and my middle son keeps laughing and said “Ohh better watch it there, you don’t want to aggravate your stigmata!”

Sarcasm meme

By this point I couldn’t help but laugh, seriously where do they come up with this shit?  I tell them to cut it out and we head over to Pizza Hut for lunch.  As we’re sitting there eating my oldest son quietly asks “So what’s stigmata mom?”  I sat there explaining what it was, trying really hard NOT to laugh, we finished our lunch and went home.  As soon as we walk in the house, my middle son yells out to my parent’s “Hey grandma and grandpa, guess what Joe has stigmata, better get out the rosary and candles!”  Then I slapped him upside the head because I knew I’d have to explain to my mom what was going on, and that wasn’t going to be easy.  Because my mom has no measurable sense of humor, especially when it comes to religion.

Don’t Try and Flush Fruit Down the Toilet, It Doesn’t Work……..

When my middle son Mike was about seven years old he was what I’d call a……rambunctious child.  You know those kids like Dennis the Menace only he’s yours and you’re the one that has to explain his behavior to family, friends and neighbors.  He was also the rebel child of the three, always doing something I or my ex-husband had said NOT to do.  One day, we’d just gotten home from grocery shopping, and I’d put away all the food and placed some green apples and bananas in the fruit bowl on the dining table.  My two older boys were outside playing, getting dirty and yelling at each other.  As it got dark they came in and I’d told them to go and take a shower because dinner was going to be ready soon.

Mom stressing kids dinner meme

Mike walked by me and grabbed a green apple from the bowl and before he bit into it I said “Don’t take it if you’re not going to eat it Michael, do you hear me?  Because if you don’t finish it, I swear I’m going put it in the blender, make it into soup and give you an apple enema!”

He rolled his eyes at me, and his dad reiterated what I had just said, telling him that he wouldn’t have dinner if he didn’t finish the entire apple.   Now, these green apples were huge, I’d bought them to make caramel apples because it was close to Halloween.

Goodfellas meme II

As we’re sitting down to dinner, I ask my oldest Joe, what’s keeping Mike.  My oldest said his brother was still in the shower.  I shrugged thinking nothing of it, and we sat down to eat, after about five minutes I yelled out for Mike to come to dinner.  Then I heard it, it was the toilet flushing.  Then again, and again…..two, three, four times I heard the toilet flush.  I told Joe to go and see what the hell was going on, and I looked over at my ex-husband thinking, is he sick?

Then I hear yelling from the bathroom in the hallway “What are you doing Mike!?!” And Mike answers almost crying “I need to get rid of the apple or moms going to enema me!”  I got up and walked into the hall bathroom, and as I did I saw a partially eaten green apple rolling in the toilet.  Mike looked up at me as Joe began to laugh, and he said “Mike you can’t flush an entire apple Mike, its round and it will stay there forever!”

All the while Mike is still pushing the handle on the toilet and the apple continuing to roll in the water with every single flush.  Again I’m trying really hard not to laugh, because the kid was only seven years old.  I told him to take the apple out of the toilet, wash his hands and go sit down for dinner.  He looked up at me and asked “So you’re not going to enema me?” and I looked him straight in the eyes, hugged him and said…….”Yes later when you’ve finished your dinner.”

Mad men meme

Now as sarcastic as my boys grew up, they did turn out to be respectful, hardworking, honest men and I’ve very proud of them.   I wonder what my grand-kids will be like? Anyway, this nana is going on a cruise when they all start having kids! YAY NANA!!!

Onward and Upward!

The Huntress915

Published by thehuntress915

My life has been a lot like the movie Bridget Jones Diary (the Hispanic version) constant comedic struggles and life lessons learned by way of personal experience. I've survived divorce and online dating debacles, so tag along for the ride and lets laugh together.

31 thoughts on “Sarcastic Children and Their Misconceptions About……… Everything.

  1. So now tampons are frogs in puddles?
    And a kid tried to flush a fruit down a toilet because he was gonna get enema-d?
    AND A KID SUDDENLY HAS STIGMATA AFTER AN EYE DOCTOR APPOINTMENT?

    aaaahhhh
    i can’t even…
    i’m gonna show this to my mom.
    i just…
    WOW.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. When my brother and I were teenagers, we were acting up and our mother was trying to get us to stop. She finally said, “If you guys don’t stop, I’m going to … (gears grinding, gears grinding )… spit in your face!”

    I’ll give her this much — we stopped acting up because we were laughing so hard.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lol, well that sounds like it would make me laugh too. I’ve said worse to my kids, but as you know now everything is all PC and will be taken out of context, so I’ll refrain from what I said to my boys on multiple occasions. lol

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hey, I’m not complaining. I just cite all my special guests on Twitter every week, but noticed recently that it doesn’t do much good if the person doesn’t have Twitter! Interestingly enough, after I shared your blog post, I noticed that someone else had also shared it! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I remember how much fun it was to give my brothers shit when we were boys. It just comes natural. We still give each other crap, I guess, but it isn’t nearly as nasty and mean spirited as it used to be. The good old days.

    One of the worst purveyors of sarcasm is the Disney channel. All those kids shows feature incredibly sarcastic and rude kids. Then they try to use that on me. My response is “would you rather be rude to me or have a nice evening?”

    The worst misunderstanding I can remember with my daughter’s was the time my youngest was misbehaving and she was about 4 and so I sent her to her room and told her that I didn’t want to see her face in the living room until dinner time. So, she went to her room and a little while later I heard her crying and I went to go check on her. I asked her what was wrong and she said that she was sad because I didn’t want to see her face any more. Never has a man felt like more of a low-down jerk than I felt in that moment. She, fortunately, does not remember this event.

    For some reason I remember being little and hearing someone say the word ‘decade’ and but thought I heard ‘duck egg’ and spending a great deal of time in puzzlement about what that person was talking about. My mother later explained it to me and must have thought she was raising a moron.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Lmao….duck egg, good one Jason, I’m going to use that. Your right, it’s all changed and what I use to tell my boys to get them to behave can’t even be said out loud anymore because it will definitely be taken out of context. But then again, on Saturday night while we were having dinner they were acting up and they do moreso now that they are adults and I said to them, “If there was ever a definition as to why animals in the wild eat their young, the three of you are it.” Then they just burst out laughing…..it use to work when they were kids.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Your boys will get a dose of their own medicine when they start having kids. Aren’t kids hilarious though? I could tell some stories about the shit mine did or said when they were little. It’s hilarious NOW but man, at the time we think we’re going to pull our own hair out from frustration! Lol. Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I always thought I was blessed to pick up all kinds of tampon (and other types of sanitary products) humor because I grew up in a family that was 71% female. I see that wasn’t necessarily the case. You shoulda kept the empty tampon boxes and put their Christmas gifts in them like my Mom used to do. I was definitely blessed to grow up in a family that had a warped sense of humor…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I knew this was gonna have a happy ending because, well, obviously your boys were precocious as well as rambunctious. I bet there were plenty of other times you had to try really hard not to laugh because it would just encourage them.
    And the part about astigmatism really hits close to home for me. A friend told me he had astigmatism and I very naively said, “Just one?” Never did live that down.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Too funny! Reminds me of the time when I was about 7 and reading a Bobbsey Twins book written in the early 1900s and I asked my mom what “ejaculated” meant because one of the lines was “What?!” ejaculated Nan” or something like that. Mom launched into a very lengthy, detailed and confusing explanation about a very different type of ejaculation…

    Liked by 1 person

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