I’m sure those of you that have kids have encountered or have been in conversations with them while they were little and the things that are in their heads are just………..awesomely weird. I have three boys (men now) but when they were growing up they were each a handful. So when they’d decide to get together and combine their shenanigans, in what I’d call a verbal tag team of sarcasm. Which at times had me at the end of my ever fraying rope!
Frogs are NOT Tampons……
My youngest was always an adventurer, he’d wander out during rainy days to go find worms, frogs and all kinds of buggy, little squirmy things to bring back to me. Well apparently one day while my two older boys were insulting each other they called each other douche bags and tampon lovers (they’re boys go figure). They must have been around eleven and nine years old respectively. My youngest was about four, and very impressionable at that, this kid would never forget a damned thing I said or did. And believe me he’d call me on it, but I digress. One day we had just left the dentist office as all three of them had their annual checkup and cleanings and we were on our way back to the east-side, looking for someplace to eat lunch. At the time I had a 2002 Red Mustang, and all four of us were in the car, and they began to get loud, then louder and then an all-out fight began, name calling, yelling, my oldest telling me to tell my middle son to stop being a smart ass. My middle son telling me to tell my oldest to stop being a douche…..and on and on.
I was, to say the least ready to snap as I had promised them I’d take them to lunch after we’d finished with the dentist. I yelled out at all of them, telling them I’d leave them by the side of the road if they didn’t stop it and shut up! And my middle son said “Okay mom, maybe someone can buy me lunch because you’re starving your kids by driving so slow.” And my baby yelled at him saying “Don’t yell at my momma you big tampon!” We were all caught off guard, there was silence, and then laughter and my middle son said to him “Shut up butt face, you don’t even know what a tampon is!”
My baby turned around and in his innocent, baby like voice he said “Ah-ha, I do so know what a tampon is, it’s a little baby frog that is born in the puddles after it rains, you big tampon!”
My oldest and I were trying to hold in our laughter but it was too much because that’s when we realize that my youngest son, the adventurer, the one that never forgot anything I’d tell him thought a tampon was a tadpole and it was hilarious!” I laughed all the way to Sonic, because there was no way in hell I was going take these three boys into a restaurant acting the way they were.
Stigmata isn’t an Eye Condition….
My oldest was about fourteen years old when I had to take him to the eye doctor so he could get a checkup have his eye glass prescription checked and adjusted. It seemed like we’d waited for hours, and it was only myself and my two oldest boys because my middle one had a doctor’s appointment earlier in the day because his throat was bothering him. He’s the impatient, smart-ass, sarcastic one (I wonder where he gets that from?) and was beginning to whine about the wait. After my oldest walked out of the eye doctor’s exam room, the doctor told me that his prescription only needed to be slightly adjusted and that he was fine.
I thanked the doctor, paid and went to go look for frames for my oldest son. About half an hour later as we made our way down I-10 (headed to lunch again) with my oldest in the passenger side of my red mustang and my middle son sitting in the back seat, my oldest turned to look at me and said “Mom, the eye doctor said I had stigmata, is that bad?” And me being the sarcastic mom I responded with “Oh my god, are you serious, where?” And my middle son sitting in the back busts out laughing. All the while my oldest looks at me and says “Duh mom, I have stigmata in my eyes!” And my middle son (laughing that mocking laugh he has) says “You have astigmatism dumb-ass, not stigmata!” My oldest looks back at my middle son, and punches him in the leg, and my middle son keeps laughing and said “Ohh better watch it there, you don’t want to aggravate your stigmata!”
By this point I couldn’t help but laugh, seriously where do they come up with this shit? I tell them to cut it out and we head over to Pizza Hut for lunch. As we’re sitting there eating my oldest son quietly asks “So what’s stigmata mom?” I sat there explaining what it was, trying really hard NOT to laugh, we finished our lunch and went home. As soon as we walk in the house, my middle son yells out to my parent’s “Hey grandma and grandpa, guess what Joe has stigmata, better get out the rosary and candles!” Then I slapped him upside the head because I knew I’d have to explain to my mom what was going on, and that wasn’t going to be easy. Because my mom has no measurable sense of humor, especially when it comes to religion.
Don’t Try and Flush Fruit Down the Toilet, It Doesn’t Work……..
When my middle son Mike was about seven years old he was what I’d call a……rambunctious child. You know those kids like Dennis the Menace only he’s yours and you’re the one that has to explain his behavior to family, friends and neighbors. He was also the rebel child of the three, always doing something I or my ex-husband had said NOT to do. One day, we’d just gotten home from grocery shopping, and I’d put away all the food and placed some green apples and bananas in the fruit bowl on the dining table. My two older boys were outside playing, getting dirty and yelling at each other. As it got dark they came in and I’d told them to go and take a shower because dinner was going to be ready soon.
Mike walked by me and grabbed a green apple from the bowl and before he bit into it I said “Don’t take it if you’re not going to eat it Michael, do you hear me? Because if you don’t finish it, I swear I’m going put it in the blender, make it into soup and give you an apple enema!”
He rolled his eyes at me, and his dad reiterated what I had just said, telling him that he wouldn’t have dinner if he didn’t finish the entire apple. Now, these green apples were huge, I’d bought them to make caramel apples because it was close to Halloween.
As we’re sitting down to dinner, I ask my oldest Joe, what’s keeping Mike. My oldest said his brother was still in the shower. I shrugged thinking nothing of it, and we sat down to eat, after about five minutes I yelled out for Mike to come to dinner. Then I heard it, it was the toilet flushing. Then again, and again…..two, three, four times I heard the toilet flush. I told Joe to go and see what the hell was going on, and I looked over at my ex-husband thinking, is he sick?
Then I hear yelling from the bathroom in the hallway “What are you doing Mike!?!” And Mike answers almost crying “I need to get rid of the apple or moms going to enema me!” I got up and walked into the hall bathroom, and as I did I saw a partially eaten green apple rolling in the toilet. Mike looked up at me as Joe began to laugh, and he said “Mike you can’t flush an entire apple Mike, its round and it will stay there forever!”
All the while Mike is still pushing the handle on the toilet and the apple continuing to roll in the water with every single flush. Again I’m trying really hard not to laugh, because the kid was only seven years old. I told him to take the apple out of the toilet, wash his hands and go sit down for dinner. He looked up at me and asked “So you’re not going to enema me?” and I looked him straight in the eyes, hugged him and said…….”Yes later when you’ve finished your dinner.”
Now as sarcastic as my boys grew up, they did turn out to be respectful, hardworking, honest men and I’ve very proud of them. I wonder what my grand-kids will be like? Anyway, this nana is going on a cruise when they all start having kids! YAY NANA!!!
Onward and Upward!