I took some well-deserved time off from work because I’m slammed and it seemed to pile up while I was gone. I was happy to get away from Baby Kermit and her throat clearing harmonies for almost two weeks. But now I’m back and I hadn’t been in the office for more than five minutes when it started………..that annoying, raspy, bull frog mating call that continuously comes from her office. Dear lawd kill me now! This is kind of long post, because one of the entries has cops, handcuffs and a severe, severe beating….now that I have your attention, here we go.
#5 – I Lost My Work Husband
On my last day of work JP, the only other coworker that didn’t drive me absolutely bonkers with an annoying habit, snotty attitude or condescending tone asked me to his office because he “had something to tell me.” I thought it was going to be some juicy gossip about a faculty member or that he had come up with a plan to hide Baby Kermit’s body after I beat her to death with her own desk chair. No, that would have been awesome, he proceeded to tell me that he had resigned his position with our office and was taking a directorship in another department. I tried to hide my disappointment with a hug and hearty congratulations. But I was to say the least, extremely sad, because he grounded me here at work. He made me laugh when I needed it, and calmed me down when he saw me losing my cool, and he was my lunchtime chess partner. Another coworker mentioned that, because of our love of chess we seemed like we were married. Because we argued about the rules of chess, not that either one of us was right, it was just the fact that we both love the game and we both have a sadistic sense of humor.
#4 – I Almost Got Arrested for Assault…………I said ALMOST
In the early hours of Christmas morning I got a text from my mom, and I knew I was bad because my mom NEVER texts me. As I heard the notification I got up out of bed and read her text telling me that my stupid, idiot, piece of shit, belligerent, degenerate sister in law had hit her and knocked her down. I don’t think I finished reading the text when before I knew it, I was dressed, in my car and racing down I-10 the entire 21 miles to the lower valley it takes to get to my parents’ house. My oldest son called my mom and asked what was happening while I drove, she explained that my brother’s daughter was in the kitchen and that my mom asked her to please wash the dishes she used and the little bitch responded with “I don’t have to do anything you tell me, my mom said so.” That’s when my mom slapped her, then my SIL came out of the room because apparently the little bitch was yelling like she’d just been shot. She asked her daughter what had happened and she told my SIL that my mom slapped her. That’s when my SIL hit my mom and pushed her onto the kitchen floor yelling at her not to touch her daughter.
I was FUCKING FURIOUS!!! My youngest and oldest were with me and we were all pissed as hell. As I walked in (at 1:52am) to my mom’s house I saw her at the dining room table, my brother holding an ice bag to the back of her head and my dad making coffee. My brother began to explain to me what had happened and I quickly shut him up and asked where his bitch wife was at. As I asked, I heard commotion coming from the hallway, and as I turned around there she was, the fucking bitch that had hit and knocked down a 76 year old grandmother. She had a gym bag in her hand and her daughter behind her (she was the reason for all of this) I don’t dare call her my niece because that little asshole bitch isn’t my niece.
She dropped the gym bag and ran out the front door, and I ran right after her. She tried to get into her car and as she unlocked it she dropper her keys. I got to her, grabbed her keys from the ground, grabbed her long, stinking unwashed hair and I bashed her empty head into the driver side door of her Jeep Grand Cherokee! I did this as she fought me, I grabbed her by her hair and literally dragged her from the driveway of my parents’ house, up the side walk as she screamed and called me every name in the book. Her daughter and my nephew came outside and her daughter began to cuss at me (mind you the little bitch is only 15 years old). My sister in law so drunk she couldn’t put up a fight, and even if she was able to, I was raging mad it wouldn’t have mattered at that point. I got her to the front porch and began to beat her ass into the brick wall as I asked her “Is this what it was like to push down my mom?! Are you feeling what my mom felt right about now you goddamned lush?! How does this feel you fucking bitch?!?!” As I stomped her stupid ass into the porch concrete.
By this time my brother came out and tried to stop me, then her daughter came up and tried to slap me, the little bitch actually tried to slap me! As I held her mom by her hair with my right foot on her stomach (I might have been stomping her over and over, I can’t remember) I took the kids hand and I pushed her down and slapped her with her own hand. She fell on her ass onto the sidewalk, and then I looked her straight in the eye and said “You’re going to remember that you caused all of this you little ingrate, you’re going to hate me for the rest of your life because of what I’m doing to your goddamned mom right now. You’re going to remember the beating that I gave this bitch because of you! And you know what? I don’t fucking care if I never see you or your sorry-ass, beer chugging, low life living, broke ass bitch of a mother or you again!”
The little bitch looked at me all the while I was holding down her idiot mother with one hand and my oldest son calling 911 for the sheriff’s department to send someone to my parents’ house.
Then my brother’s wife tried to bite my calf through my jeans, and I picked her up and once and for all, I two fisted PUNCHED THAT BITCH RIGHT IN THE FACE I was so mad!!! She fell, hitting the metal flower pot my mom has on her porch, then fell face first in the dirt.
My nephew kept pleading with me to let his mom go, and I just simply told him to go back in the house and get his mom’s and his ingrate sister’s things together because I was throwing them out of my parent’s home for good. My brother and his family have lived with my parent’s for a couple of years now because his idiot wife lost their house by giving half mortgage payments and not telling my brother about it. Yes, he’s to blame too because he should have known better and should have kept an eye on his finances a bit more. But ultimately he didn’t find out until the foreclosure notice came in the mail, she was hiding the mail from him too.
All of this happened within a matter of minutes but it seemed as though it was in slow motion. That’s when I saw the lights of the Sheriff’s police cruiser in our drive way and the deputy asking me to step away from the “victim.” My brother’s daughter ran up to the deputy and began to lie her ass off about how I beat down her mom for no good reason. My youngest son walked up to them and calmly said “No officer that’s not what happened, please come inside. The animal on the ground hit and threw down my grandmother.” The officer walked up to me, told me to get away from my brother’s wife and he asked her if she was okay. She couldn’t speak and when she did, he asked her if she’d been drinking. She lied of course but she was fall down drunk, even if it was me that helped her “fall down.”
The deputy called for another car and walked me to his car, and he then asked me to explain. So I did, as I was talking to him another cruiser pulled up in front of my parents’ house. My oldest went to go explain and take him inside to talk to my mom. All the while my idiot SIL began to yell that she was going to have me arrested, and she yelled continually at the deputy that I was talking to. Finally after ten minutes he walked over to her, helped her to her feet, put handcuffs on her and walked her to his car. She continued to yell, about how she was going to press charges against me, blah, blah, blah. My brother had taken my nephew and his daughter into the house and the deputy told me he was going to handcuff me and put me in the back of the other cruiser. I was like WHAT THE LITERAL FUCK?! I asked him “are you serious?” He said it was until he and the other deputy talked to everyone to sort out what happened. So there I sat in the back of a Sheriff’s police cruiser waiting for what seemed hours for these two sheriff’s deputies to get their shit together.
One deputy came and let me out of the car and took the handcuffs off, then the other went and took my SIL out and walked me back into my mom’s house as they kept my SIL in handcuffs. Deputy Salinas asked me why I had decided to take it into my own hands and beat my SIL before calling the Sheriff’s department. I looked at him and said “Officer, my mother is 76 years old, can barely walk on her own, she has a multitude of health issues, she and my dad have opened their home to my brother, my nephew and those two worthless pieces of shit out there. And this is how they repay my parents? By being ungrateful and inconsiderate AND abusing an elderly person? Seriously, what would you have done in my situation?”
He looked at me then asked my mom if she wanted to file charges against my SIL, and she said yes. The other deputy came in and said that my SIL wanted to file charges against my mom for hitting her bitch daughter. My brother finally spoke and told the deputy that his daughter is undisciplined and she deserved to be slapped. Even though my mom can’t slap hard anymore, he said that if one parent corroborated the actions of what my mom did they couldn’t charge her. They asked me and my brother to walk with them outside and confirm that all three of us wanted to press charges against my SIL. As we walked out my brother’s daughter gave me a dirty look, and I stopped, got right up in her face and then said “I don’t care if you hate me for the rest of your life, as far as I’m concerned you are a little ungrateful bitch and you WILL get you ass kicked in school for being such because someone, someday will be the karma you deserve for what you caused your grandma. YOU will remember the beat down I gave you mom and YOU WILL remember from this night forever. Also remember this, you do NOT have family on your dad’s side anymore and we, all of us couldn’t be more pleased to be rid of your stupid ass!” Honestly I don’t care if I ever see my brother’s soon to be ex-wife or daughter again in my life.
The deputy came back and took my arm and walked me out, as I told my youngest and my nephew to get both of their shit together and leave it outside so my SIL’s mother can come and take this ingrate bitch away. Which they did as my brother called his MIL (whom his wife hadn’t spoken to in four years) to let her know she needed to come get her granddaughter because they were going to arrest his wife. We gave written statements to the deputy all the while my SIL was yelling in her drunken stupor from the back of the police cruiser, handcuffed and cussing at all of us. They took pictures of my mom’s bruises, the cut on the back of her head as she cried. One of the deputies told me that another car was coming to the house to transport my SIL to the county jail. As the car arrived the deputy walked over to the one that had just pulled up, leaving the door to the back where my SIL was sitting. I thought to myself, why not?
I walked slowly towards the open door, the SIL yelling for me to get away from her, and I got in one last, hard swinging punch to the side of her head. She yelled and just as the deputies turned around I was already by the fence door where I was before.
Yes, they got it on camera, yes they knew it was me, and yes I could potentially be charged later on, but it was so worth it to get one last hit to the bitch who hit my 76 year old, disabled mother for no reason after my mom and dad have done nothing but help my brother’s family whenever they needed it. My brother and nephew were tending to my mom and dad, and I told both of them that neither of those two ungrateful bitches were to set foot in that house again and that on my parent’s behalf I was going to file a restraining order on both of them to make sure they didn’t. I spoke to my brother for a while after things calmed down, and he told me he’s been dealing with his wife’s alcoholism for years but he’s done and is going to file for divorce. It’s funny because he’s said that to me before, but somehow this time I believe him.
Everything got wrapped up around 4:50am, by the time I got back home it was close to 7:30am and I was exhausted and I didn’t even remember it was Christmas. Later on that evening my brother drove my parent’s to my house and we had Christmas dinner. There was a sense of piece and we didn’t talk about what had happened. As they left and my dad walked out after everyone else he whispered “Mija, where did you learn to fight like that? I didn’t recognize you.” I laughed and said “Life taught me to fight like that dad” only I said it in Spanish.
All in all this is the short, abbreviated version of what happened, but what can I say, family drama at it’s best.
#3 My Periodontist Doesn’t Have a Sense of Humor
During the holiday’s I had to continue my periodontal treatment for the molar implant I’m going to get in February. So on Friday the 27th I made my way to my appointment to see Dr. Caldwell so he could assess the bone graft he’d implanted in November. He examined me and said “It’s looking really good Huntress, very good indeed.” I was happy, like I had anything to do with the progress when in actuality many patients can reject the bone graft and have to start all over again. Then he made a comment about me needing to build up my canines.
Dr. Caldwell: Well I’m going to recommend to Dr. Robertson that he’s going to have to fill in a small gap in between your right maxillary cusped and the right maxillary 1st primary molar. Also you’re left and right maxillary cusped and your right and left mandibular cusped’s need to be build up, they’re pretty worn down.
Me: You mean my canines, my vampire teeth?
Dr. Caldwell: *laughs* Yes those, do you grind you teeth? Because they are pretty worn.
Me: No…….it must be all those people I hunt at night…….
Dr. Caldwell: Um…hunts at night?
Me: Yes, that’s why my vampire teeth are dull….but I’m glad that Dr. Robertson can build them up again. *smiling*
Dr. Caldwell: Oh…ha…ha it’s a joke.
Dr. Caldwell: *stares at me in silence*
Me: I’ll be really glad to have those teeth built up again. I’m really getting tired of walking up behind someone and stabbing them in the neck with a pencil before I can suck their blood out, this will help me out a lot.
Still me: *blink, blink, blink*
Dr. Caldwell: *getting up from his chair slowing backing out towards the door* Umm, I’m going to get Linda (the assistant) to set your next follow up and get you that referral for Dr. Robertson. *Disappears into the hallway and I don’t hear or see him before I leave*
Linda Dental Assistant: *laughing as I walk up to the counter* Okay here’s your next follow up with Dr. Caldwell and here is your referral to Dr. Robertson to, ahem, build up your vampire teeth.
Me: *laughing* Was he scared?
Linda: A bit, actually he came up to me and asked me if there were real life vampires, and then I said to him “oh you must have Ms. Huntress in your exam room today.” Stop messing with the Dr’s head, he’s a good guy but takes things so seriously *laughing*
Me: What fun would that be? See you next month Linda!
Now Dr. “Cutie Patootie” Caldwell is younger than I am, but not by much and seems to have a very dry sense of humor. I can’t wait until my other dentist build up my vampire teeth, grrrrrrrrr…..
#2 Off To Nashville I Go
I came back to work today and then during a staff meeting, was told I’d be going to Nashville to a Research Administration conference at the end of January. I mean, I could not hold back my excitement, seriously! I’ll be away from Baby Kermit, for four entire days!!! Yes it’s a conference and it will probably be boring but I’ll be somewhere I’ve never been to before!! Super excited!
#1 – I’ve Completed My 17 Months of Vampire Relationship Rehab!!!!!
It’s been 17 months since I’ve had any contact with Lestat, and I can honestly say I feel fucking great! Why 17 months you ask, yes you I saw you raise your hand and then put it down again.
Because I read an article that stated it took exactly 17 months to fully get over someone. That year and five months, the article stated, was what it took someone to heal both emotionally, mentally and physically from a long term relationship with someone that you truly cared about. And it also said it took 17 months for one to be completely over that person with no chance of falling off the relationship wagon so to speak. I am, completely over Lestat, so much so that my son brought it to my attention that while we were at Target, Lestat (and his ugly wife) passed us and I didn’t even notice!! I was floored, I was amazed and most of all I was relieved!
Now, I’m not one to make New Year resolutions but I will say this. I will try to focus on the positive, I will try to see the good, I will try NOT TO KILL BABY KERMIT, and I will make sure that this year is a good year, upwards and onwards!
Until next time remember, chin up, soldier on and watch your back!
The Huntress 915