So, I made it back from my work trip from hell, I say hell because it wasn’t hot per say but it was hell in the sense that I don’t socialize with people from work for a reason. I will work with them because I get paid to, I don’t do it voluntarily. So our trip started late because apparently all eight of my coworkers don’t know what “By 7:15am sharp” means. We didn’t leave El Paso County until about 12:30 or so, which is very late. We should have been in Lubbock by 1:30pm but nooooo, people had to stop at Starbucks (which is a half block from our University parking lot) and everyone got down to go get their coffee and pastries. Did I call it or did I call it?
This little excursion took 45 ENTIRE minutes, I stayed behind in the van because I brought some iced coffee with me in a large thermos and enjoyed it cold…..in the van……watching the lemmings getting down, tripping over themselves to get to the front door……it was very exciting *dramatic eyeroll*
Usually I get down and hurry them up, or hurry anyone up that’s keeping us from getting on the road to our destination. But I thought, nah let them enjoy themselves because I will annoy them for sure either on the road or when we get there. Play well little children, play well…..
When they finally all filed out of the Starbucks the overly cheery bitch said “Oh I forgot my laptop, can we go back to the office real quick please?” I was watching her from where I sat in the last seat of the van wanting so bad to have the magic mind voodoo that Darth Vader has and make her head explode. This way we wouldn’t be able to go to Lubbock because there would be coworker brain splattered all over the front seat, the one that was driving us and our director who badly planned this entire clusterfuck to begin with.
But, no such luck, because our director said “Oh sure no problem” and I sighed real loud and mumbled “Are you serious right now?!” I got that surprised look from everyone and I just stared back and said (with attitude) “What?!?!” That’s when I noticed that no one ever really looks me in the eye, they look towards me but not directly in the eye……I felt empowered.
So we went back to campus to get Thing 1’s laptop which she left locked in her desk after being repeatedly told to take it home and NOT leave it at work. After I complained (loudly apparently) Thing 1 said “Oh I don’t have to go back for it, we can leave I can share with someone” and my boss said “No you need it for the training, you need to be careful, next time make sure you have it with you. Mentally I said “Thank you, ya dumb bitch” it was to say the least a waste of time and brain cells (on her part). We go back to campus and she gets down to go inside our building, after about fifteen minutes Thing 2 (our director) says “I wonder what’s going on, why is she taking so long?”
I sigh loudly again……JP (the only other sane coworker I have) looks at me and laughs and volunteers to go and see if he can find Thing 1. As he steps off the van Thing 1 comes running towards us and says “Oh sorry, I was on the phone with my mom, she couldn’t find her meds.” I think that time, my eye roll actually made noise. So I looked at her and said “You took a phone call, in the office, when you have your cell?!” Thing 1 just stares with that deer in the headlights then nothing *cricket, cricket, cricket* I finally say (loudly) “Thing, get in the van we’re already late as it is, chop, chop!”
Thing 1 jumps as she clutches her laptop, my supervisor sends me a text (yeah that wasn’t obvious whatsoever) to maybe let up on Thing 1 because she’s the nervous type.
My supervisor text: Lol, I know your annoyed and you should be we all are. But maybe take it easy on Thing 1, you know she’s the nervous type.
Me text: Ugh okay, but if she says or does something stupid I’m going to strangle her.
My supervisor: Haha fair enough
Right at that moment, Thing 1 says “Oh you’re going to kill me but, I left my keys on my desk”
My supervisor: Don’t you even…..
So for a second time we went back to campus……so Thing 1 could get her fucking keys, after another 45 mins of wasting time we finally hit open road. And by that I mean US 54 headed east and I was crossing my fingers hoping no one would want, need to crave anything until we got past Carlsbad or Hobbs, because I was slowly but surely becoming homicidal. After we passed Chaparral New Mexico, Thing 3 (a coworker who is more on the quiet side but has annoying habits like popping her gum as loudly as possible) said she needed to use the bathroom. I said out loud (again) “We literally just left the city limits and you have to use the restroom?” She turned around and gave me a wicked stare, and I looked at her right back and said “I can do this all day” and she turned right back around. I thought to myself, bitch must have the bladder the size of a peppercorn because when we went back to campus for Thing 1’s laptop she got off to use the bathroom! That was not even 20 minutes ago…..
We stopped at the truck stop off of the Texas/New Mexico state line, everyone got off because apparently all the other Things needed to stretch their legs, and they were feeling “crampy.” They had no idea what crampy was, and we were only 21 miles from campus. That’s when my supervisor came over to say “Maybe you should take a nap, it seems that you’re a bit grumpy or need a rest?” I told her “Nope, I’m fine I just guzzled an entire half gallon of iced coffee” she laughed albeit nervously. She put her hand on my shoulder and walked me away from the van. She told me “Look, no one wants to drive to Lubbock with coworkers, but please try not to intimidate anyone on this trip, but try and sympathize” I looked at her and then my gaze went past her left shoulder at everyone walking back to our van smiling and presumably enjoying the coworker road trip from hell. I told her I’d try, but only if I got to have a hotel room by myself, she laughed and said she might be able to make that happen.
We finally got to Lubbock after bouncing around Texas to New Mexico and back into Texas again, and five stops for coffee and food. When we got to the Hyatt Place hotel on MacDavis Lane and Thing 1 asking who Mac Davis was (she’s older than I am by like a decade and the bitch doesn’t know who Mac Davis is, I could have strangled her for the sixth time that day).
My supervisor held true to her promise and got me my own hotel room. That’s probably because nobody wanted to room with me and I was totally okay with that. Which meant I got a suite with a king bed and mini bar, okay not really a mini-bar only some White Claw flavored seltzer I brought in my “big” bag, all I needed was ice and *BAM* instant mini-bar and relaxation!
Technically we, as state employees shouldn’t have alcohol on official work trips, but I had a feeling one or most of the Things on our coworker road trip would piss me off and get on my nerves. I was a Girl Scout when I was in grade school and we were taught to always be prepared for unexpected situations……like potential coworkercide.
Until next time remember, chin up, solider on and watch your back!
The Huntress 915