This isn’t so much a post about another weird coworker, but more about a weird coworker that’s leaving. Yes boys and girls you heard that right, there is a coworker that’s leaving and I, for one, couldn’t be happier! If you haven’t guessed by now, this coworker that’s leaving is none other than………….(wait for it)………..FEMALE SHEDLON!!!! Yes, the Huntress’ prayers have been answered, and Female Sheldon is leaving, going to another university here in Texas! Lord gawd help those in her new department! As for me, I’m ecstatic, I mean if you couldn’t already tell?
On Monday I was working on yet another budget and as I’m caught up in reading this proposal, I look up and Female Sheldon is standing in front of my desk. She caught me off guard, like she always has even though she’d been told to stay away from me, but has she listened? Nope! Remember Monday was the day from wrong sandwich, humid hair, Clockwork Orange makeup, sun shade fighting hell.
She’d even been moved to the second floor in an office surrounded by chemical and biological labs, but she’s constantly down here. Loitering like a scalper trying to sell you tickets to a Van Halen concert back in 1984.
I looked up at her and before I say anything, she says in her robotic, emotionless voice “I just wanted to tell you that I’m leaving.” I said “Okay, well bye” and I look back down to get back to the tedious reading I have ahead of me and she continues to stand there. I look up at her again and ask “Um do you need something?” She said “No I just wanted to let you know I was leaving” and I repeated “Yeah, I know….bye.” She’s staring ahead towards the wall not once looking at me and turns to leave my office. I thought to myself, well that was weird why would she tell me that she’s leaving, like I give a fuck if she was leaving for the day. Boy was I in for a shock.
A half an hour later I get a calendar invite for Female Sheldon’s Birthday and Farewell lunch, and before I accepted I did a double take. I was trying to process the word “farewell” and it seemed even though I was still in the midst of doing this, I smiled, got up to close the door to my office and literally jumped up and down like a kid who had just been told I got tickets to a Van Halen concert in 1984!! Then a knock on my office door, it was my supervisor, she asked to come in and of course I said yes. She came in and said “Female Sheldon came to tell you she’d given her notice, right?” I nodded yes, apparently with too big a smile on my face and my supervisor laughed at me and said “Okay, please try to contain your enthusiasm.” I told her I’d try, but I wasn’t going to pretend that I wasn’t happy about it.
She nodded and laughed then left my office, I was like holy fucking shit, I’m finally rid of Female Sheldon, me, the Leonard Hofstadter of this office, finally rid of this annoyingly, self-proclaimed know it all we call Female Sheldon!
Okay so you all know her name really isn’t Female Sheldon, but if anyone’s seen the Big Bang Theory y’all know how fucking annoying Sheldon Cooper is with his arrogant, self-absorbed, self-serving and supposedly Autistic type of personality. Sheldon Cooper was the epitome of selfishness, because he’d proclaimed he was the smartest of the group of so called friends that choose to hang around with him. Well that was pretty much how Female Sheldon acted, a mild superiority complex that seemed to make everyone else uneasy but would piss me off because, no she didn’t know everything like she thought she did. She knew her job very well, I’ll give her that but she lacks social skills that make it awkward for everyone else in the office to deal with. Her stupid loud annoying voice, her no filter expressions, her unbelievably annoying habit of picking at her skin during staff meetings, so much so she’d have huge red welts by the time we were done.
One time she even made herself bleed, from a horrible, I’m assuming pimple on her left shoulder, yes, she made herself bleed! Her intolerable vegetarianism (okay don’t get me wrong, not all vegetarians are like her) but that only added to my annoyance. Our pot lucks, birthday lunches, holiday celebrations were all planned around what Female Sheldon could or couldn’t eat! Our department budget manager, whom I’ve named JP, and myself were so fed up with having to plan everything around “her” lifestyle we go out twice a month, just him and I to have a huge steak lunch at the local Cattle Barons out of fucking spite. So when I heard she was leaving, I was so happy, happy and overtaken with emotion that it practically erased the horrible Monday I had, with bad hair, horrible makeup, grilled chicken sandwich and torn hosiery!
WooHoo!!! Female Sheldon is leaving and I can’t fucking wait, well I mean I have to wait until the end of July but hell, I’ve worked with her for a year and a half so I think I can wait another two and a half weeks, right? No more robotic, monotone voice, no more dead shark eyes staring straight past you, no more “Oh my gawd, they put Flamin’ Hot Funions in the Vending Machine!!” echoing from the hallway.
No more tofu “meatloaf” no more vegetable broth based soups, no more “mock” chili, omg mock chili that’s sacrilegious here in Texas, really! There are NO BEANS in Texas chili, but her “mock” chili was all beans!
No more Instant Pot vegetable foods brought by her to our communal pot lucks or birthday celebrations. JP and I are so excited we can’t contain ourselves, and just to celebrate we’ll be going to lunch at Cattle Barons to have our selves some STEAK in Female Sheldon’s honor!
I suppose that Female Sheldon is more like Amy Farrah Fowler, because they are both annoyingly, socially stupid self-serving characters, and Female Sheldon actually “looks” more like Amy from the Big Bang Theory, but her personality is more like Sheldon Cooper. And I, for almost a year and a half played the Leonard Hofstadter to her Female Sheldon-esqe stupidity, only with more balls, less of an affinity for comic books, less toleration of verbal diarrhea from Female Sheldon and I can actually tolerate dairy products.
I’m so unbelievably happy I can hardly contain myself, no really I’m that fucking happy, I”m going to skip up and down the hallway!
Until next time remember, chin up, soldier on and watch you back!