I Am Not A Writer

I’m just someone that writes, there is a difference I think.  Writing has always come easy to me, I’ve never struggled to find words or ideas.  In elementary, high school and college, I’ve never struggled to write whatsoever, math on the other hand, ugh.  I also happen to have hypegraphia, which according to Psychology Today is “the all-consuming desire to write.” Which also includes the need to read, re-read, edit and edit again everything one has written. It’s also linked to mental illnesses like schizophrenia and bi-polar disorders, but more on the side of eplilepsy (thanks to all the fates out there, ya bitches).

Writing GIF
This is exactly how hypergraphia feels

But my therapist, who is a psychiatrist tested me when she diagnosed my hypegraphia, which I didn’t know I had, I just thought I like to write, a lot.  She said my tendency is purely to write on a creative basis, an outlet of emotional turmoil.  I don’t normally tell people or reveal this about myself, it’s just not something one talks about during your team building exercises at work.  I work with physician’s, a lot of them psychiatrists, so I keep this to myself for the most part.  Hypegraphia tends to be triggered by emotional or tragic events as well, I have so many emotionally charged events that have happened in my life, it would be hard to pinpoint when and where this all started.

Luckily my job provides a temporary relief from this, I have to write a lot in order to communicate with faculty, sponsors and of course coworkers.  I also have to write constantly for the faculty to correct their horrendous writing, which most of the times needs to be written from scratch and re-write a lot of their proposals from the information they give me.

500 words meme
I can write more than just 500 words in one sitting.

I’m not a medical doctor by any means, and as for physician’s a lot of them aren’t great writers either as far as I can tell.  A lot of them don’t know how to write and many times  use the wrong words which sound alike, in the wrong context.  For example pear and pair, I mean come on, wtf?  Or stair and stare, I know the difference how in the hell don’t these people, they went to medical school for god sake!

Grant deadline meme

Either way, writing for work does help alleviate this incessant need to write, just one of the reasons I began a blog at the urging of Terri my therapist.  I have so many journals, composition and spiral notebooks of different ideas about a book I want to eventually write.  But I don’t consider myself a writer, and here is why.  A writer, a real writer would know what to write and continuously develop that idea until its exactly where they want it.

I have different ideas and have begun so many “novels” then another idea comes into my head and I start another set of notes and thus I’ve been leaving behind story after story because of my writer’s ADD.  No, I don’t actually have ADD but this is the only explanation I have to justify why I can’t finish any of the stories I’ve begun.

Writers Block Meme
This is how I feel about writing a book, all the time.

Except for one, the main reason I began my blog, the story of Lestat the Emotional Vampire.  That story I wrote from beginning to end.  I spent twenty years of my life with him and everything I wrote that happened in my blog posts, really did happen.  Although I left out a lot of content because I didn’t think my followers would want to know that much about the fact that I was in a relationship with a married man for almost half my life.   That is why I think it was so easy to write about my experiences with him, because it was “my” story.  And now I’ve been encouraged by several friends, both blogger and longtime friends, to follow through and expand, develop and finish this one particular story.  But I’m not sure how to do this, ideas come and go, but I suppose I need to finally set my mind and develop the damned thing to finally have some closure and leave this story on the pages instead of in the back of my mind.

Writer procrastination meme

I found very good advice and encouragement from two articles I read last week, both spectacular in their own ways.  One by WendyMegget and her great and insightful post The Love of Writing where she explains how writers write from another place other than inside themselves, give her blog a visit, she’s brilliant! The other was a re-blog from Laura Beth at Hot Shot Headlines about another blogger, Didi Oviatt’s grandmother Doris, who just published her very first novel at the very young age of 80-something!  If this isn’t inspiring I don’t know what is.  This gives me the incentive to develop a couple of the stories I’ve begun and then, doubt sets in.

Steven King Meme
Should I worry about others feeling this way about me? Or should I take the Huntress attitude and say “Fuck it?”

Will I be a good writer? Will people actually want to read what I write? These are only a few of the questions that run through my head while I’m at work and writing blog posts instead of reading what is probably the second worst grant proposal I’ve had the misfortune to work on.  All the while my VP has brought in chocolate croissants (from a local French bakery) to watch the U.S play France in the Women’s World Cup.   In my mind I’m shouting “No thanks boss I’m trying very, very hard to stay on my keto diet, but thank you for the temptation while I white knuckle it through today with all the carb filled celebratory food, ya insensitive bastards!”

But here at work when I write or should I say re-write the language has to remain neutral, scientific and positive for sponsors to consider funding the project.  The explanations are sugar coated with scientific jargon and always needs to make the faculty member look and sound like they know what they’re doing.  When I know damned well they can’t write for shit.

Doctor Not Writer meme

Following rules to re-write someone else’s bad writing are pretty much set when you do what I do for a living.  Writing for myself or developing an idea into a book, I wonder can one use creative liberties to describe the ideas in their head?  Should I follow the inspiration those posts I read help me go home this weekend and find the composition books with the story of Lestat?  Go through each one and find what I left out on my blog posts and see if I can develop this story further?

Because God knows I’ve been at the other end of someone telling and re-telling the same story over and over and rolling my eyes wishing they’d shut the fuck up, all the while trying so hard not to stab them in the neck with a pencil!

Holy Fack meme

Will people think the same thing about my exodus with Lestat?  Will I bore or entertain?  Will it be worth developing further?  I’m not a writer, I’m a person who’s written about life experiences both serious and comical.  Should I try really hard to control my “writers” ADD to try and finish the story that began twenty-some odd years ago?

Writer philosophical meme

On a side note, I asked my cat Charlie “Bruiser” O’Houlihan (his cat fight club name) who is wise and philosophical, about being a writer and this is the answer he gave me……..

Charlie Sarcastic Face
“Yeah right, you can’t get home to feed me on time and you want to be a writer? Ppffffttt, good luck.”

Yeah, he can be an ass sometimes, but I still love his furry butt.

Until next time remember, chin up, soldier on and watch you back!

The Huntress915

Published by thehuntress915

My life has been a lot like the movie Bridget Jones Diary (the Hispanic version) constant comedic struggles and life lessons learned by way of personal experience. I've survived divorce and online dating debacles, so tag along for the ride and lets laugh together.

44 thoughts on “I Am Not A Writer

  1. Bruiser looks like a bruiser! He even kinda looks like the gray tabby that lurks around my neighborhood who I call “Asshole” because he’s the neighborhood bully… constantly tormenting poor, innocent Gypsy who I used to feed on the front porch every morning.

    I tend to write (on a keyboard) faster than my brain and fingers can keep up, so homophones are a huge weakness for me. I’m liable to use there, their and they’re completely interchangeably even though I full well know what each spelling means…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Do it do it do it!! I would read the hell out of that book!

    I tell ya what, I never thought I would be able to sit down and write a whole book – it just seemed way too daunting – but if you put one foot in front of the other, it can happen. I wrote my book in three months, thinking all the while that I could never actually do it. Page by page it got done.

    I’m not a “writer” in the traditional writer world at all, so I totally identify with Imposter Syndrome. I barely graduated high school and never attended a single day of college. It wasn’t until I took a chance and started submitting stuff to literary journals and getting acceptances that anyone called me a “writer”. (I still don’t believe it.) You’ve got a natural gift for writing AND you’re educated. I adore your writing and I have 100% faith in you.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. AND you wrote a book?? OMG – I got so hung up on the Corey Haim vs. Corey Feldman argument and cheesy armpits that I lost sight! Plus, I thought I hit the damn follow button and maybe I didn’t. I just hit it now… twice… and it unfollowed… and a third time… and I think I’m IN!! Maybe I was too trigger happy the first time too!! I’m so far behind.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I’d love to read your story from front to back. Get to it woman! I know you can do it. You know I’m always rooting for you! I know how you might feel though. I’ve had several stories kicking around in my brain alongside all the dust and mold up there. Lol. It’s hard to get started, it’s hard to stay focused. Anyway, I know you can do it!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks my friend, I feel you when you said that you have several stories kicking around your head along with the dust and mold, lol. I’m in the ER as I type this because wouldn’t you know it, I got food poisoning yesterday. I’m getting ready to be discharged but man I feel like hammered shit, ugh. Thank again for your constant encouragement! 😎👍😉

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sushi from Albertsons, at least that’s what I have in my mind that made me sick. I can’t think of anything else. I’d been sick since last night, I got up to get ready for work this morning and can you believe it, I passed out in the shower. Thank god my son was getting ready for work and heard me fall. I cut my left leg, I hit my forehead on the freaking bathroom cabinet and the back of my head on the fucking floor. I was trying to get to the toilet because I felt nauseated and that’s when I passed out. But I got to the ER and they put me on an IV, cleaned up my leg and discharged me after four hours. What a fucking Monday! 🥴🤢🤕

        Liked by 1 person

  4. The one meme you’re missing here is “If you build it they will come.” Actually I guess it should be “If you write it they will read.” I know I would. You can construct and tell a story well enough that I think you should think of yourself as a writer. And write that damn book. After all the only person who can tell your story is you.
    One bit of advice I would offer is that no one writes a book alone, as you can tell from the “Acknowledgments” page of any book you’ve picked up. You may not need as much help as the doctors whose grants you rewrite but asking for help doesn’t make you any less of a writer.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Huntress, I have absolutely loved and NEEDED your stories of Lestat. And I still need them. Even though I found your blog late in the game, I went back and read ALL OF IT. Your story is important, as are you. You’re the only one who can tell it. I believe we are all writers here, no matter how many times our shattered psyches try to define us as otherwise. I have at least three books kicking around in my head, each one so very different than the others, and one of which that I feel will require a pen name for sure! I feel like the newbie, with my blog going slowly and any other writing I think about completely stagnant. Yet, I know I’ll keep going. And I’ll get there. Eventually. Page by Page – to quote RomComDojo 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  6. OMG, you’ve just relegated every writer in the world to a diagnosable mental illness!!!!! I hate to break it to you, but if you WRITE, you are a WRITER. Full stop. And this compulsion you have to write and edit people’s sh*t (I so hear you on that) is just what writers (and/or editors) do.
    I have a day job that is supposed to be technical and mathy, but i’ve morphed it so that I now write technical reports. So most of my day is spent writing, be it in various forms.
    The fact that you haven’t finished a book just means you are not an “author”. On the other hand, you are trying, so perhaps you are?
    I hate to contradict a mental health professional, but the way I see it, you don’t have a mental illness (ie there is nothing WRONG with you) you are just being a WRITER! He’ll, you’re even getting PAID to write, which is better than most “writers”.
    So own it! Repeat after me… “I am a writer, because I write”. It’s really that simple. We don’t actually need others to validate this.
    Can I suggest you read Julia Cameron’s book The Right to Write? It deals a lot with this issue.
    Sorry for the rant. And thank you soooo much for the link (and rave) to my post 😀💙

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks Wendy, I appreciate every single word you said! And you are so right, I’m not an author, I’m a writer and will soon (a couple of years) I might be an author. That’s an awesome book suggestion, thank you I’m going order it on Amazon.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I suggest you write about what YOU want to. It seemed like you were grateful to stop writing about Lestat – don’t dredge him and all those memories back up just to please an audience. Write for you. Whether that’s blog posts, a novella or a full on novel, only you can answer that.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I’m with Wendy and other commentators. Of the many blogs I peruse and read, I’ve never thought that you weren’t a reader. You play magical games with words in a lovely Ferranti/Erdrich style that I lust after. Your Lestat tale was raw, powerful, and true. I’ve been reading interviews with Man Booker Prize short-listed authors. Many of them were like you, writing and writing without finishing until one hooked them and dragged them over the finish line.I understand the reflections behind your confession as surely as they’re my own, as part of a process of sorting and unthreading yourself. These deep complications and your sharp intellect will entertain us every time.

    As always, of course, write for yourself, and have fun, even if it’s painful fun. My humble copper worth. Cheers

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Michael, that does mean a whole world of positive for me. I’m also flattered at your comparing my writing to Ferranti/Erdrich style, woohoo! I feel empowered and more motivated to finalize the story of Lestat because as I mentioned I left so much out due to being a new blog and all. Thank you again for your humble copper worth!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Wow, Huntress! Let’s see…you have tons of support. It’s clear that you can write and that you have a story to finish…and if being diagnosed helps you to cross that finish line…then go for it! I’ve recently discovered you and now I need to go back and read all about Lestat! As any good writer with an ax to grind, I hope you’ve provided him with a thousand deaths in your stories. Well, unless that uncalled for…then just ignore me. Anyway, I think you’re in good company in this writing/blogging community and I’m excited for you! Keep going!!!! Mona

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Mona, and no your right, I’ve tried to give Lestat a thousand deaths in that story, but in different forms, lol. You said in another post that you were from Texas as well, what part of Texas do you reside in?

      Like

    1. I’m okay now, it’s freaking Murphy’s law in my life right now. I work at a medical university and there’s an active shooter situation going on right now. We’re on lock-down at the moment and we might be here over night, ugh…..

      Liked by 1 person

  10. I used to struggle with communication and expression. Once I began writing, everything seemed to finally connect and I could see that I could actually express myself, it just takes some time.

    Inspiring post Huntress. Keep on writing and realize, there are many out there that would love your special brand of “crazy”.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Why thank you Coffee, I’m going to take that as a compliment, lmao 🤣. I think I need to actually just make up my mind and undertake this project once and for all. Thank you for the comedic encouragement 😎.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Apparently that’s a thing now Huntress. I hear there are even women out there with actual functioning penises. Gosh, talk about American ingenuity.

        Just please watch it with the lady-man spreading Huntress, I need a place for my purse after all!

        Liked by 1 person

  11. I get this in all the ways sister! I started writing as a cathartic hobby and it hasn’t changed much since 2015. I was inspired at one point to put together a humor book using myself as Super Cringe (the awkward mom from hell) filled with funny, relatable stories. The problem is the concept requires heavily on illustration and I can’t draw for shit so it is wasting away in cyber land, sigh. I also have many stories to tell it’s a matter of picking one and sticking with it. I’m just glad you are still writing for the blog, I’ll read anything you write!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Suzanne, I’m trying to find how to get that story together and out of my head. I feel better, thanks I had never gotten food poisoning before and hope to never again, ugh. On the upside, I lost four pounds, lol.

      Like

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