Mid-Week News Update from The Huntress – Ooopps I Did I Again Part I *Dun, Dun*

I did do it again, as Brittany would say and judging from her life lately she says that a lot.  Okay so moving on to the topic at hand.  A friend and I were talking (uh oh you know that’s not good when women get to talking, and when there’s wine involved) and under the influence of said demon alcohol we decided (mutually) that we were going to give online dating one last and final try.  This time we made up our minds that we would do the “older” people dating sites, we settled on OurTime, specifically for plus fifty crowd, even though I’m still 49 (and hanging onto it like the last chocolate croissant in the entire world!).  We based our decision mainly on the fact that we want to look for older, more mature men that are ready to find a serious long term relationship.  We also decided that we were going to pay for only one month at a time, if anything positive came of it then we’d consider going longer.  Was I excited? Stupidly yes.  Did it have a different outcome? Oh fuck no…….

In online dating, verbally and sexual innuendo based offenses are considered especially heinous. In the OnLine Dating World, the dedicated Huntress who investigate these vicious dating crimes is the only member of an elite squad known as the Online Dating Unit. These are her stories. * Dun Dun *

So my friend Victoria both created our online profiles, I did mine late one night not realizing the bombardment of messages I’d get the next day.  I hadn’t even bothered to browse the profiles yet and as I began to look at the messages (I had over 68 new messages in one night) I automatically skipped through profiles with names like LvrBoi65, LadiesMan51, LatinLvr08, Hoodlum51, ArmyHunk 55, as these did not inspire curiosity to even view their profiles, it actually was a huge turn off. I mean honestly what could a dude with the profile name LvrBoi65 really want? Other than a lesson in grammar and of course telling the mofo that if he is indeed 65, he’s too fucking old to be using the screen name LvrBoi, oh lawd the datemanity!  Then I completely delete anyone wearing a Dallas Cowboys jersey……..(kidding, just kidding….or am I?).

My friend on the other hand was enjoying the attention, and I tried really hard not to sound like a Debbie Downer but I had to say “It will die down, it’s only like this in the beginning.”  She sighed on the phone and said “I suppose your right, so shouldn’t we jump in while we’re hot?”  I didn’t know how to respond, honestly what could I say?  What I was thinking on the other hand was I should get my money back and just chalk this up to another misguided attempt at finding someone I know I won’t find online.  Although, I had one particular gentleman send me a message telling me he’d like to take me to dinner or lunch to talk and find out more about me, that I thought was pretty interesting.  He’s 60 but then I looked through his profile and he answered the question “What type of relationship are you looking for?” with longtime lover and that was enough for me to click buh-bye.

Online Dating Quote I

Also I found two of the losers I dated previously on different dating sites, Oompa Loompa David from Las Cruces who is still claiming he’s 5’11 and Eddie, a guy I was interested in and then ghosted me right after we met.  Ironically I got a message from Ghost Eddie saying he’d like to get to know me.  What did I do? I responded of course with….”We’ve already met, and you didn’t think I was worthy enough of a thanks but no thanks text or call, meeting you once was enough” and left it at that.   During lunch my friend called me and said we needed to flirt, wink and send messages to the ones we were interested in.  I sighed and agreed, I mean where were we going to get if we didn’t take some initiative right?  So I looked through the profiles and found a couple of local guys that I thought might be interesting enough to talk to.  So I sent one a wink, the other a flirt with a pre-written message that the site has for one to choose.  I logged off and went back to work after my lunch break thinking okay this isn’t so bad right?

Before I left for the day I logged back on to see if I had any new messages, I had sent a text to my friend Victoria and she said she had already talked to two guys she’d flirted with.  I saw that as promising, so I went through my inbox and found a message from one of the guys I’d sent a “flirt” to.  I felt a bit more optimistic, as I opened it and read it my optimism faded.  It read “Hi, thanks for the flirt and you seem like a nice lady but you’re not my type, good luck thanks Jim.”  This was a message from a divorced father of five, who is looking for a woman in my age range to engage in a serious relationship, and I’m not his type, what the fuck?  It hadn’t been twenty-four hours since we’d decided to undertake this frivolous plan of ours and after reading that message I deleted all my information, I closed my account and I asked for a refund.  I didn’t need to pay to get rejected by fifty-something men with unbelievably unrealistic expectations about the women they want to meet.

But right before I deleted my online profile I received a message from a guy with the call sign Nighthawk, no picture, no info nothing.  I went over to his profile to read up about him and he had all the generic taglines from the website but it did say he was 55 and that he worked for a construction consulting firm, had a masters and has been divorced for ten years.  He began asking me about myself, I thought wow something not one of these guys had done before.  So we began to talk and I left my profile alone for the next couple of hours.  Then as the day wound down, he gave me his phone number and said if I wanted to continue talking, I could text him.  Talk about a surprise…..or was it?

After reading through the messages that came through while I was talking to Nighthawk, it was enough to convince myself that one good catch was better than 68 new messages from throwbacks.  I deleted my profile and asked for my $35 back (I asked nicely but I doubt I’m going to get it back) and let my friend Victoria know.

She on the other hand had two dates lined up for last weekend, and I gave her the lowdown on safety, the emergency “bail out” call from me if she needed it and under no circumstances should she let these guys pick her up at her house.  I told her to meet them wherever they were going to go.  Reassured in the fact that I had provided my friend (who’s 56) with enough common sense dating advice, I began talking to Nighthawk via text.  Come to find he’s from Albuquerque, divorced and has one adult son.  That sounded promising, and I told him about myself and we talked for about a week until *dun, dun* his true nature began to show.

Now I’m willing to give a new person in my life the benefit of the doubt when they say things that to me might be a bit off putting as we’re getting to know each other and each other’s quirks.  But as we began to text and the couple of times we spoke on the phone, it became evident that Nighthawk had been alone way to long.  He had seen pictures of me and when I finally asked for a picture of him he gave me this lame ass excuse.

“Oh, did I tell you what happened to my phone? No? Okay so I’m at a basketball game and I’ was trying to get a picture from the bleachers and my phone fell like 60 feet to the bottom.  So the camera on my phone doesn’t work.  But I can receive pictures from anyone.”

I was like oh really, huh how odd. Then he told me his new phone was being delivered sometime next week so that’s when he’d be able to send me a picture.  But wait! There’s more! (Insert cheesy late night advert slogan here) So we began to joke around and get comfortable with each other but not comfortable enough to be absolutely devoid of decorum.  He began acting like we were in the fourth grade for god sake, asking me if I was really interested in him, he asked me the very same thing five different times.  Followed by “Do you want me as your boyfriend, yes or no?” and let’s not forget “What kind of relationship are we going to have, is it friends or will we be boyfriend/girlfriend?”  I had been temporarily sucked back in time as I saw this dude sitting at his desk in elementary school writing a note with two boxes on it that read “Check yes or no if you want me as your boyfriend” in green crayon.

Come the fuck on Bridget, act your fucking age!  But wait there’s more! I calmly answered his question for the fifteenth millionth time.  Then he said he liked the way I wore the red lipstick I had on in my picture.  I politely said thank you and that’s when he reverted to thinking with the other head (y’all know what I’m talking about.)  He said he wanted to kiss me so bad he could taste it, now keep in mind I haven’t seen him and when I asked for him to describe himself he said the following (and I quote).

“Well last time I checked my height was 5’11 and my weight is 190, eyes dark brown, hair is dark brown with a few grays.  I have an average stocky build, and a big cowboy butt.  All muscle no flat butt”

I thought okay he’s got a sense of humor, maybe……right?  But then again he began with his sophomoric questions, do you want me as your boyfriend, do want to talk to me be honest?  Ugh alright already fuck, how many times do I have to tell you I’m interested BUT we need to get to know each other better, STOP with the insecurity!  So you think it got better? No it didn’t.  We began to talk about what our ideal first date would be and he said he’d like to take me horseback riding on his ranch, then maybe a late night dinner out underneath the stars.  I was like whoa…..hold the phone here, this sounds wonderful.  Then he added “Then I’ll roll my tongue around in your mouth to get you excited and………” He didn’t use those exact words because what he said was a lot more vulgar and uncalled for, I used the PG-13 version.  I stopped him right there and asked him how long it had been since he’d had a girlfriend, he answered with “I haven’t had sex in eight years.”  I said to him “I didn’t fucking ask when the last time you had sex was, I asked when was the last time you had a girlfriend or was in a relationship.  But you know what, never mind you just answered my question.”

Online Dating Quote II

He laughed (he fucking laughed!) and said “Well you asked what our perfect first date would be and getting you in the sack would be the perfect first date for me.”  I felt myself begin to get angry, but not just regular angry, I began to feel Hulk angry.  But I tried to keep my cool, and I calmly said to him “And you know what MY perfect first date would be?” He replied “What sweetheart, you can tell me” and I said “A date with a different man” and hung up the phone.  I was furious, I hadn’t talked to this dude for longer than a week and already he was showing his true nature, he was so focused on the sex he “might” have instead of a potential relationship or friendship.  But then again I knew going into this venture it might turn out this way.  I blocked Nighthawk from my phone because I didn’t feel like I needed him to explain or apologize, because if I wanted to feel like I was a piece of meat I would have stayed with Lestat.  Did I mention he revealed he lived with his mom? Indeed, a fifty-five year old that lives with his mother….wow, just…….wow.

My friend Virginia’s dates apparently went very well, she’s got a second date with the guy she went out with on Saturday next weekend. I’m crossing my fingers for her hoping for a positive outcome.  Part two of this report will be on the advice I will give men on what women do and don’t want to hear on online dating sites.

This is the Huntress915, investigator from the Online Dating Unit *dun, dun* until next time, prepare yourselves it’s going to be a bumpy ride!

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45 thoughts on “Mid-Week News Update from The Huntress – Ooopps I Did I Again Part I *Dun, Dun*

      1. Yes, men do really talk like that, I’m proof that they do. Don’t get me wrong not all men are like that, some men are gentlemen and have class. But I haven’t found those kind of men online. I have a couple of male friends and I ask why they think men say things like that. One of them who is married said that he thinks it’s because they have either been single too long and don’t know how to interact when trying to win over a woman they just met. Or they are divorced BECAUSE they talk like that, lol. I found it funny he said that though.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I’m not a religious woman, but after reading your post I silently said, Thank you Jesus! (in my best televangelist voice) that I’m happily married and don’t have to date in today’s world. Sounds like the big butted cowboy needs to visit Robert Kraft’s massage parlor before he strikes up any more conversations with women online. Are men that clueless…. really? I fear for humanity.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well as I said to Tom, not all men are clueless, it just seems most of the men on the online dating sites are. And yes, be very thankful you are happily married and not having to navigate the shark infested, knuckle dragging moronic waters that are online dating sites Rivergirl, you are truly blessed!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I could and it sounds like a good idea. But my patience and temper would not allow. You might see some news broadcast about a woman from Texas who went around the country stabbing stupid men in the neck with pencils, watching them bleed to death, laughing loudly saying “Oh yeah, say that again asshole, go ahead SAY IT!” lmao.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Welp, if my husband and I ever get divorced, looks like I will be ALONE forever because there’s no way I’m doing online dating! What a story! I met my guy at a party, introduced by a mutual friend, 28 years and 6 kids ago. Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are one of the lucky ones, meeting someone organically is much better than online. You can gauge their personality in ways one can’t online because they will lie at every turn, and sometimes we don’t find out about the lies until it’s way too late in some cases. Your hubby sounds like a good guy 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Even though I was pretty sure anyone who’d describe his “cowboy butt” to someone they were just getting to know would turn out to be a jackass I had hopes that this guy wouldn’t turn out to have ten gallons of empty space between his ears and a little too quick with the spurs. I doubt he’ll realize that if he throws “I haven’t had sex in eight years” into conversations it’s going to be nine pretty soon.
    Anyway I’m glad you’re keeping your sense of humor as well as your standards. As we all know gentlemen prefer brains.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you Christopher, women appreciate a man’s genuine opinion in these matters believe me. And I know not all men are like this, it’ s just been my misfortune to know the majority of them, lol.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I’m holding out hope you and Hoodlum51 find true love with one another. 😂😂😂

    This whole post just absolutely killed me laughing. I’m sorry you had to be the one to go through it, but thank you for sharing your pain and giving me a stitch in my side from laughter. You’re so freaking amazing, I just know there’s gotta be someone out there for you who’s not one of these loser weirdos! I have hope!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Really Maggie, Hoodlum51? I don’t know I was more partial to a dude with the profile name CookieEater60. That profile name alone conjures up all kinds of bad images, LMAO. Thanks for holding out hope for me, its nice to know there’s a Hoodlum out there just waiting for a Huntress like me! lol

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Jeebus. You attract all the wrong creepers, but at least you recognize it relatively quickly and GTFO. Maybe you need to move to a new area to get a new pool of men to dip your tow into…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh Girl! What an absolute nightmare that was! You are so great at describing a shitshow experience hysterically, but I’m sure none of this was funny at the time. This guy, and all the those douchbags who contacted you only for one thing are scum and you TOTALLY deserve better! The BEST! Hang in there sister!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well at least those that I’ve met that’s for sure, lol. Ugh, if I think about what he said too much, which was really vulgar, it pisses me off to think the he thought it was ok to say something so stupid! 😡

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I can already tell you are the sort that only approves approval (from certain comments). So, what I have to say is probably going to taste rather bitter. Male perspective, coming at ya.

    And, how mature are we? You and I both are using character images while most commenting are depicting what I’d assume are themselves. What does that say?

    Reality check… You are questioning–or, rather, putting down–guys using abbreviated user names that sound juvenile or mildly lewd while you yourself use lingo like “mofo” and obviously wrote this while you are so tired that you missed a few words? But, you DID pull a word like decorum out of somewhere; so that’s a sign of some…thing.

    No offense, but I get a very unpleasant image from reading this…and if I say what I am thinking, I have a sense it will only lead to trouble.

    You’re shooting down options left and right, as if you came to the shooting range just to kill off squirrels, and then run into the same dregs you ditched before. You “flirt” with one guy who fits in your “fish barrel;” he gives you the fin of rejection; and you’re stunned. Really? It’s called fair game. Or, maybe karma.

    Nighthawk was not very up-front, but he wasn’t so lewd or rude with what he said to be cast to the underworld as some unforgivable jerk. Had he said what he wanted to do with you in so many words without you asking what a perfect date (with you) would be, then you might have a reason to raise your hackles. You mean to tell me you’re not used to guys talking like him, yet? I’m not personally comfortable talking that way. Nor can I cuss like a sailor. But, I know other guys talk like him; sex comes up rather easily with other folks. And, it hinders my ability to socialize. But…that’s apparently normal, missy. So…accept it?

    Thus…I dunno what to say. But, I said what I did. And, so did you. Just venting, I guess. And, just about everything online–other than taking care of actual productive emails, maybe some online class/work and/or watching something you can’t find on TV–seems pointless. You seem to have that hunch but keep resisting the notion, scraping the barrel.

    So, you look for the uncommon as a factor for potential. Aquarius or Sagittarius? Or, are YOU someone I’ve seen here before under a new face?

    There are millions of unpleasant things said online. I hope this wasn’t one of them. Dun, dun.

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    1. Dear Writingbolt,
      After reading you long and laborious comment about what I should, shouldn’t say, do or think according to (as you put it) whom, you? Well then let me explain, I will use the word mofo and decorum in the same post because I can, and because it’s my blog. I don’t miss words, I write EXACTLY what I intend to write. Also, I am writing solely about the experiences I’ve had with online dating, not all men in general. And if you think that talking about sex right off the bat to someone you don’t know very well, or your just getting to know, that isn’t a guy is “normal” than you have bigger issues at play here, the names Weinstein and Cosby come to mind.

      Not all woman are use to or will ever be use to hearing guys “talk like that yet” unless they’re married to, been in a relationship with or are close friends with them, so no that isn’t something women need or should get use to. Those abbreviated user names were actual names from the online dating site I was talking about (I didn’t pick them) those were not made up, those guys actually picked those names, you be the judge on your own sex. And just like you, I can “hackle” anyone who is (ready for this?) being a jerk.

      So, thus far in your reply to my post you have said I don’t know how to write, spell, (yet you use the word dunno, huh?) explain about MY experiences on MY blog, I need to get use to men talking like pigs, and settle for whatever comes my way as far as men are concerned. And that karma is coming back to bite me in the ass for not lowering my standards and settling for someone because I should, according to you.

      So no offense, but I too get an unpleasant image from your reply to my post, and you should have gone with you gut instinct and quit while you were ahead by passing my post by and reading something a bit more suitable to your taste.
      But all in all thanks for the input, it was very enlightening. Good luck to you!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Wow. Perfect example of why women are choosing to be single rather than in relationships. There’s no reason any woman should settle for some asshole with no class, just as men don’t settle for less. Enlightening, indeed!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Maybe he is just taking care of his aged mother. Or he could have some kind of Oedipal complex that we would all rather not now about.
    Sorry the dating world in your area is so sparse, but I think there really are a lot of idiots out there to choose to stay away from. I suspect that if you are not looking for someone, you may just run into someone when you least expect it. Not saying that he won’t be an asshole, too, but your odds of unintended success will probably improve. I recently left my wife of many years and while I am enjoying my time with myself I will start seeing people again someday soon. For now, though, I am not going to be aggressively looking. Just not worth the hassle at this point. Good luck and maybe you’ll give me some ideas.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh Jono51, I’m sorry to hear about your marriage, and you are doing the right thing by waiting on meeting someone. I think I agree with you, waiting and not aggressively looking may be my best bet.

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  10. That was just a fascinating read. I have other female friends who’ve struggled through these sites and efforts to meet someone as a companion, perhaps as a lover, but at least someone that’ll share some time with them and make it a worthwhile relationship. Like some of your commentators, I’m pleased that I’m in a relationship. I was shit at dating as a teenager, and I don’t think I would’ve improved, since I’ve been married almost fifty years.

    Impossible to say if waiting would pay off. Like I said, I’ve known too many women who’ve gone this route. It’s always surprised me that these intelligent, personable, and attractive women have such a problem. It gives me new perspectives about the window dressing that we use to present ourselves. Reading your post, with its wry insights, I wondered, if I were to do this, what the hell would my call sign be? Flatbutt62? Furrychest? Baldinrocknrollah? Agingcatman? LOL.

    Mom was one of those women who searched after several failed marriages. Once, two decades ago, I visited her for two days during my travels. I was going everywhere back then, and had the opportunity to wedge in a visit with her. All of her children had moved out. She’d just retired and was married to no one. I had to leave for the airport at three in the morning. She awoke up to see me off. As we hugged and said good-bye, she broke into sobbing and said, “I’m so lonely.”

    It remains one of the most shocking and poignant moments of my life.

    I admire your courage and commitment for trying all these avenues and sharing the information.Mom found a good man, who lives with her as her fiancee. They’ve been together fourteen years. I’m very happy for her.

    I hope you can find such a person, too. Cheers

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  11. Thank you Michael for sharing that very personal perspective about your mom. I think that women deal with being single in different ways. I am so blessed with three of the most wonderfully supportive “real life” well as my blogger friends. Loneliness is a confidence killer, but thanks to my friends I, thank God don’t suffer from being lonely. Three of the four of us are single and have all had our ups and downs playing the dating game. Hopefully one day, we’ll all be as fortunate as your mom to find us a good guy. Also, as for your call sign it think Catmandu sounds like a fitting name, lol. 😝🤣

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  12. Wow–this was hilarious but also kind of terrifying. Did you say “more mature men”? One would hope so but apparently not! I’m so happy that you’re confident enough to just say Piss off!

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    1. I did say more mature men, but I didn’t find one. But my friend is having luck with a guy she’s been talking to, I’m happy for her. And it is scary as well, that’s why I’m like, nope I’m done here. I felt like I was wasting my time, so if I’m wasting my time I may as well waste it doing something worthwhile like trying to get back on the all women’s roller derby team! 😎

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