I did do it again, as Brittany would say and judging from her life lately she says that a lot. Okay so moving on to the topic at hand. A friend and I were talking (uh oh you know that’s not good when women get to talking, and when there’s wine involved) and under the influence of said demon alcohol we decided (mutually) that we were going to give online dating one last and final try. This time we made up our minds that we would do the “older” people dating sites, we settled on OurTime, specifically for plus fifty crowd, even though I’m still 49 (and hanging onto it like the last chocolate croissant in the entire world!). We based our decision mainly on the fact that we want to look for older, more mature men that are ready to find a serious long term relationship. We also decided that we were going to pay for only one month at a time, if anything positive came of it then we’d consider going longer. Was I excited? Stupidly yes. Did it have a different outcome? Oh fuck no…….
In online dating, verbally and sexual innuendo based offenses are considered especially heinous. In the OnLine Dating World, the dedicated Huntress who investigate these vicious dating crimes is the only member of an elite squad known as the Online Dating Unit. These are her stories. * Dun Dun *
So my friend Victoria both created our online profiles, I did mine late one night not realizing the bombardment of messages I’d get the next day. I hadn’t even bothered to browse the profiles yet and as I began to look at the messages (I had over 68 new messages in one night) I automatically skipped through profiles with names like LvrBoi65, LadiesMan51, LatinLvr08, Hoodlum51, ArmyHunk 55, as these did not inspire curiosity to even view their profiles, it actually was a huge turn off. I mean honestly what could a dude with the profile name LvrBoi65 really want? Other than a lesson in grammar and of course telling the mofo that if he is indeed 65, he’s too fucking old to be using the screen name LvrBoi, oh lawd the datemanity! Then I completely delete anyone wearing a Dallas Cowboys jersey……..(kidding, just kidding….or am I?).
My friend on the other hand was enjoying the attention, and I tried really hard not to sound like a Debbie Downer but I had to say “It will die down, it’s only like this in the beginning.” She sighed on the phone and said “I suppose your right, so shouldn’t we jump in while we’re hot?” I didn’t know how to respond, honestly what could I say? What I was thinking on the other hand was I should get my money back and just chalk this up to another misguided attempt at finding someone I know I won’t find online. Although, I had one particular gentleman send me a message telling me he’d like to take me to dinner or lunch to talk and find out more about me, that I thought was pretty interesting. He’s 60 but then I looked through his profile and he answered the question “What type of relationship are you looking for?” with longtime lover and that was enough for me to click buh-bye.
Also I found two of the losers I dated previously on different dating sites, Oompa Loompa David from Las Cruces who is still claiming he’s 5’11 and Eddie, a guy I was interested in and then ghosted me right after we met. Ironically I got a message from Ghost Eddie saying he’d like to get to know me. What did I do? I responded of course with….”We’ve already met, and you didn’t think I was worthy enough of a thanks but no thanks text or call, meeting you once was enough” and left it at that. During lunch my friend called me and said we needed to flirt, wink and send messages to the ones we were interested in. I sighed and agreed, I mean where were we going to get if we didn’t take some initiative right? So I looked through the profiles and found a couple of local guys that I thought might be interesting enough to talk to. So I sent one a wink, the other a flirt with a pre-written message that the site has for one to choose. I logged off and went back to work after my lunch break thinking okay this isn’t so bad right?
Before I left for the day I logged back on to see if I had any new messages, I had sent a text to my friend Victoria and she said she had already talked to two guys she’d flirted with. I saw that as promising, so I went through my inbox and found a message from one of the guys I’d sent a “flirt” to. I felt a bit more optimistic, as I opened it and read it my optimism faded. It read “Hi, thanks for the flirt and you seem like a nice lady but you’re not my type, good luck thanks Jim.” This was a message from a divorced father of five, who is looking for a woman in my age range to engage in a serious relationship, and I’m not his type, what the fuck? It hadn’t been twenty-four hours since we’d decided to undertake this frivolous plan of ours and after reading that message I deleted all my information, I closed my account and I asked for a refund. I didn’t need to pay to get rejected by fifty-something men with unbelievably unrealistic expectations about the women they want to meet.
But right before I deleted my online profile I received a message from a guy with the call sign Nighthawk, no picture, no info nothing. I went over to his profile to read up about him and he had all the generic taglines from the website but it did say he was 55 and that he worked for a construction consulting firm, had a masters and has been divorced for ten years. He began asking me about myself, I thought wow something not one of these guys had done before. So we began to talk and I left my profile alone for the next couple of hours. Then as the day wound down, he gave me his phone number and said if I wanted to continue talking, I could text him. Talk about a surprise…..or was it?
After reading through the messages that came through while I was talking to Nighthawk, it was enough to convince myself that one good catch was better than 68 new messages from throwbacks. I deleted my profile and asked for my $35 back (I asked nicely but I doubt I’m going to get it back) and let my friend Victoria know.
She on the other hand had two dates lined up for last weekend, and I gave her the lowdown on safety, the emergency “bail out” call from me if she needed it and under no circumstances should she let these guys pick her up at her house. I told her to meet them wherever they were going to go. Reassured in the fact that I had provided my friend (who’s 56) with enough common sense dating advice, I began talking to Nighthawk via text. Come to find he’s from Albuquerque, divorced and has one adult son. That sounded promising, and I told him about myself and we talked for about a week until *dun, dun* his true nature began to show.
Now I’m willing to give a new person in my life the benefit of the doubt when they say things that to me might be a bit off putting as we’re getting to know each other and each other’s quirks. But as we began to text and the couple of times we spoke on the phone, it became evident that Nighthawk had been alone way to long. He had seen pictures of me and when I finally asked for a picture of him he gave me this lame ass excuse.
“Oh, did I tell you what happened to my phone? No? Okay so I’m at a basketball game and I’ was trying to get a picture from the bleachers and my phone fell like 60 feet to the bottom. So the camera on my phone doesn’t work. But I can receive pictures from anyone.”
I was like oh really, huh how odd. Then he told me his new phone was being delivered sometime next week so that’s when he’d be able to send me a picture. But wait! There’s more! (Insert cheesy late night advert slogan here) So we began to joke around and get comfortable with each other but not comfortable enough to be absolutely devoid of decorum. He began acting like we were in the fourth grade for god sake, asking me if I was really interested in him, he asked me the very same thing five different times. Followed by “Do you want me as your boyfriend, yes or no?” and let’s not forget “What kind of relationship are we going to have, is it friends or will we be boyfriend/girlfriend?” I had been temporarily sucked back in time as I saw this dude sitting at his desk in elementary school writing a note with two boxes on it that read “Check yes or no if you want me as your boyfriend” in green crayon.
Come the fuck on Bridget, act your fucking age! But wait there’s more! I calmly answered his question for the fifteenth millionth time. Then he said he liked the way I wore the red lipstick I had on in my picture. I politely said thank you and that’s when he reverted to thinking with the other head (y’all know what I’m talking about.) He said he wanted to kiss me so bad he could taste it, now keep in mind I haven’t seen him and when I asked for him to describe himself he said the following (and I quote).
“Well last time I checked my height was 5’11 and my weight is 190, eyes dark brown, hair is dark brown with a few grays. I have an average stocky build, and a big cowboy butt. All muscle no flat butt”
I thought okay he’s got a sense of humor, maybe……right? But then again he began with his sophomoric questions, do you want me as your boyfriend, do want to talk to me be honest? Ugh alright already fuck, how many times do I have to tell you I’m interested BUT we need to get to know each other better, STOP with the insecurity! So you think it got better? No it didn’t. We began to talk about what our ideal first date would be and he said he’d like to take me horseback riding on his ranch, then maybe a late night dinner out underneath the stars. I was like whoa…..hold the phone here, this sounds wonderful. Then he added “Then I’ll roll my tongue around in your mouth to get you excited and………” He didn’t use those exact words because what he said was a lot more vulgar and uncalled for, I used the PG-13 version. I stopped him right there and asked him how long it had been since he’d had a girlfriend, he answered with “I haven’t had sex in eight years.” I said to him “I didn’t fucking ask when the last time you had sex was, I asked when was the last time you had a girlfriend or was in a relationship. But you know what, never mind you just answered my question.”
He laughed (he fucking laughed!) and said “Well you asked what our perfect first date would be and getting you in the sack would be the perfect first date for me.” I felt myself begin to get angry, but not just regular angry, I began to feel Hulk angry. But I tried to keep my cool, and I calmly said to him “And you know what MY perfect first date would be?” He replied “What sweetheart, you can tell me” and I said “A date with a different man” and hung up the phone. I was furious, I hadn’t talked to this dude for longer than a week and already he was showing his true nature, he was so focused on the sex he “might” have instead of a potential relationship or friendship. But then again I knew going into this venture it might turn out this way. I blocked Nighthawk from my phone because I didn’t feel like I needed him to explain or apologize, because if I wanted to feel like I was a piece of meat I would have stayed with Lestat. Did I mention he revealed he lived with his mom? Indeed, a fifty-five year old that lives with his mother….wow, just…….wow.
My friend Virginia’s dates apparently went very well, she’s got a second date with the guy she went out with on Saturday next weekend. I’m crossing my fingers for her hoping for a positive outcome. Part two of this report will be on the advice I will give men on what women do and don’t want to hear on online dating sites.
This is the Huntress915, investigator from the Online Dating Unit *dun, dun* until next time, prepare yourselves it’s going to be a bumpy ride!