Last week was an interesting week at work, I found myself in different stressful and annoying situations which to me were comical (after the fact). Some of them may or may have not induced weekend drinking, I’ll let you decide.
Monday: I put on what seemed like a nice outfit only to find that the dress I was wearing was translucent, really translucent and probs why it was in the back of my closet. It was so translucent that I now have only white or black underpants. It wasn’t until I got to work and Female Sheldon shouted (I MEAN FUCKING SHOUTED) “Oh my gawd! You can see your underwear!” My inner voice was like “I’m about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90’s” (Deadpool, 2016). It didn’t matter that my VP was conducting medical student interviews, nah it was totally okay. Because on Monday I chose to wear bright pink underpants….you make the connection, mortifying. Running on Empty by Jackson Brown.
Tuesday: Dr. Raj Houston was still in town and as I hadn’t talked to him since walking away and calling him Felicia after he said I reminded him of his ex-wife. So it was an awkward moment when our VP was walking him around our office to introduce him to everyone (apparently their friends from med school). Talk about awkward silence, then he stuck his hand out and my VP introduced him, I shook his hand and he looked at me. Before anything was said my VP ushered him away to the next person. I thought I had lost him for good when low and behold ten minutes later he makes his way back to my office. He says “I didn’t get you information last week so we could go to dinner” and I look at him and said “Seriously? Why would you think I’d still want to out with you after what you said?” He looked confused, I just walked away.
“Sell crazy someplace else. We’re all stocked up here” (As Good As It Gets, 1997). Mama He’s Crazy by The Judds.
Wednesday: I had a training and was paired up with….you guessed it Female Sheldon. “I’m here to cooperate with you a hundred percent. A hundred percent. I’ll be just right down the line with ya’. You watch” (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, 1975)
Fifty Shades of Crazy by Chase Rice.
Thursday: I found myself in HR, because I walked out on the training I had with Female Sheldon on Weds. But in my defense I argued my case.
HR Rep: We need to know why you thought you didn’t need the mandatory training.
Me: I never said I didn’t need it, I left because I was aggravated.
HR Rep: Aggravated by whom? The person giving the training?
Me: No by the person I was assigned to take the training “with.”
HR Rep: Looking through her paper work and humming Hellagood by No Doubt, and then she say’s “Oh….I see.” Well….
Me: Why am I in here? Why isn’t Female Sheldon here and why are you not asking her why she still, after all the HR talks, and trainings and warnings about her staying away from me is she STILL IN MY FACE?!?
HR Rep: She’s not like, in your face.
Me: Can we talk like we’re NOT in the movie Clueless?
HR Rep: What?
HR Rep: We’ll talk to Female Sheldon again but if this, thing between the two of you doesn’t stop one of you is going to be written up.
Me: Are you serious, me written up!? (Okay yes that’s happened before but not at this job) I’ve been the one to steer clear of her all the time. Beside I thought that our department and HR knew we shouldn’t be paired together for anything, or am I wrong? I avoid her on purpose and yet she still doesn’t get why she needs to not be so loud, vulgar, yes vulgar and maybe you all need to test her for some sort of disorder. A disorder that proves she needs help, and I’m not talking about help with her job I’m talking mental health.
HR Rep: That’s profiling.
Me: NO that’s a fact.
HR Rep: *sigh*
Me: That’s profiling.
“When life gives you lemons, just say fuck the lemons and bail” (Forgetting Sarah Marshall, 2008). Everything about You by Ugly Joe Kid.
Friday: Everyone in my department was told to “volunteer” for an upcoming symposium our VP is having next week. I pondered that for a while, if your told to volunteer then it isn’t volunteering right? So I was “voluntold” and I have no say in this matter whatsoever. I made it clear I definitely wanted Female Sheldon as far away from me as possible.
“I’m not crazy M’lyn I’ve just been in very bad mood for forty years” Ouisa, Steel Magnolias (1988.) Psycho Killer by The Talking Heads.
This is TheHuntress915, over and out!