Sometimes we’re blessed with great jobs and those jobs come with coworkers that might or might not be perfect. I have been fortunate enough to have found a job that not only is what I’d been studying for in Grad School but where the office environment is definitely not toxic. Because I have been there, toxic office, toxic people toxic reverberations of emotional distress and anger. I once worked in a grant office with a female director who refused to email anyone any instructions because she didn’t want any of her employees coming back and referring to her emails. This was because she was almost always wrong about a lot of things, ALWAYS.
And let me tell you this bitch needed her emails referenced, let me share how she’d “direct” things to her staff. I worked there as the business manager and I was in charge of the inventory as well as grant cost sharing with local school districts. She would leave sticky notes on my computer screen with instructions and/or things she needed me to do. So I would come in the next morning and literally have my computer screen covered in multicolored sticky notes in her handwriting. I thought to myself, does she really think I can’t reference this? What did I do? I put those sticky notes on a sheet of paper and I would scan it, then I’d email it to her and tell her “As per the sticky note you left on my computer on July 14, 2014, you are asking me to retrieve signatures on the cost sharing forms from Mr. XXXXX, is that correct?”
She’d come to my office in a hissy and tell me not to scan and email her “notes” back to her, and I would tell her that I was going to continue doing it until she decided what form of communication was appropriate to use. Did I mention she was fifty-eight years old and liked to wear leather pants and leopard print tops to work? Talk about trying to relive one’s youth. In any case dealing with weird coworkers can be somewhat trying. Right now I have a coworker that I’m going to refer to as the female Sheldon. She is extremely inappropriate when she speaks and when she speaks she freaking YELLS. Her office is on the other side of the building, and I can still hear her talking on the phone. Also, she knows nothing of personal space but yet she doesn’t like to be touched (are you listening Maggie?) and no matter how many times you tell her to back the fuck up, she just looks at you with those dead shark eyes of hers.
Yes, she has dead shark eyes and because of this one can’t tell if she understands what you are telling her. I’ve gotten so frustrated with her that sometimes when she invades my personal space I walk closer to her and begin to touch her with my index finger, just poking her over and over near her shoulder until she backs away. Of course this causes her to start yelling “Oh God, don’t touch me!” And then I yell back “Then back the fuck up and get out of my face!” And for those of you wondering yes, we have been called into HR for this because it is a constant thing. Now Female Sheldon has issues, a lot of them but she’s a good research administrator so she knows her shit. But then again so do I, and since we both started in our department around the same time we’ve been working together longer than anyone else here with the exception of our bosses.
Female Sheldon is also (dare I say it?) a vegetarian. So whenever we have potlucks or birthday lunches it’s always a fucking clusterfuck decision about who is going to bring something “veggie” for Female Sheldon. Sometimes I just want to tackle her in the kitchen and literally force feed her ass a goddamned meatball! In any case it occurred to me that Female Sheldon might actually have Asperger’s or something to that effect. Because when we’re in staff meetings everyone expresses themselves in a positive or negative way on topics of discussion. But Female Sheldon sits there with her dead shark eyes and stares straight ahead. When someone asks her a questions she responds in a robotic voice. But then you hear her on the phone and she’s all “Oh my gawd, really? Oh my gawd I can’t believe it. Oh my gawd what do you mean the submission date changed? Oh my gawd!” That’s all I hear her say is “Oh My Gawd” I can almost see her, sitting at her desk staring straight at the wall with those dead shark eyes, stone faced and the only thing moving are her thin, annoying lips.
And what’s worse is that Female Sheldon comes to my desk to ask me what I’m up to and then I tell her and she just stands there, staring at me. Once I snapped my fingers at her and she yelled “Oh my gawd, why’d you do that for? It’s so loud, I’m right here!” And I replied with “I know, I’m busy go back to your office and let me work” but did she leave? No she fucking didn’t like she didn’t understand one word of what I had said. So I got up to go to the vending machines in the hallway. As I’m standing there mulling over my purchase, I feel breath on the back of my neck and there she is, fucking female Sheldon INVADING MY PESONAL SPACE AGAIN! At this point I really wanted to punch her so hard, I had never wanted to watch anyone bleed so bad in my life. Okay I have, my ex-husband, his mother, Lestat, his wife…..but you get what I’m saying right?
I’ve brought this to my supervisor’s attention as I’m not the only one that she does this too and they called her in to “talk” to her. I doubt she understood anything because we all know Female Sheldon Dead Shark eyes don’t understand a damned thing! She finally started to keep her distance, then one day while we were celebrating birthdays in the conference room, Female Sheldon was standing outside of the conference room (our conference room is all glass walls/windows) and our director was asking “Why is Female Sheldon standing on the outside in the hallway?” I turned to look and there was Female Sheldon, on the outside of the conference room holding her cup of coffee staring at everyone with her dead shark eyes and no expression on her face. I tapped on the window and asked her “What are you doing? Come in and get some cake” and she said she was told to stay away from me, her voice muffled by the thick glass between us.
I had just taken a sip of my coffee and I totally lost it, I couldn’t contain my laughter I mean I was dying, buckling over in pain laughing. I could not for the life of me contain the laughter, the type of hilarity that doesn’t even allow you to speak. Not to mention that I had spit out my coffee because of her response. Then a couple of other people started to laugh and then our director went out to the hallway to tell her that’s not what what she meant by staying away with me. So this is what has lead me to believe that Female Sheldon, this 31 year old female who surprisingly has a husband (makes me wonder, she’s married but I can’t even find a date online, I mean hello what is wrong with this picture?) might actually have some antisocial disorder. Hence why I call her Female Sheldon, she takes things literally like being told she had to stay away from me, and standing outside the conference room walls while we celebrated our department’s staff birthdays.
This is only one in a long string of weird co-workers I have had the unfortunate opportunity to work with. Unfortunate because although she is smart, she continually says inappropriate things all the damned time. Like when I got my Master’s degree, she said “Oh you finished already? Wow your program must have not been hard because I’m still not done.” I’m like what the fuck? So I just calmly responded with “Maybe it’s not so much that my program wasn’t hard, maybe it’s that you’re just too dumb to finish yours” okay that was below the belt but really what kind of comment was that about my graduate program? She had no expression, as mentioned before just sat there with those dead shark eyes. My other coworker said to her “Sheldon, that wasn’t very nice. Everyone works hard for their education” and she just sat there staring at my other coworker. So, I work with a female version of Sheldon Cooper and although he is a fictional character, the character I work with makes me think on a weekly basis “This bitch is the reason I’m going to go to jail.” Picture it, a random university parking lot, and campus police cars with their lights flashing and two officers walking me to a city police cruiser in handcuffs for assault. Female Sheldon being brought on a stretcher towards an ambulance with a pencil in her neck, bandaged and an EMT applying pressure to the bleeding, blood all over her clothes and her starting straight up into nothingness with dead shark eyes screaming “Oh my Gawd, I didn’t turn off my computer!!”
Until next time, this is the Huntress915 over and out!