“Screaming deceiving and bleeding for you, and you still won’t hear me. Don’t want your hand this time I’ll save myself, maybe I’ll wake up for once”-Evanescence
It’s not uncommon for someone in therapy to question their therapist’s manner of helping you, it’s actually part of the process. After everything I had gone through with Lestat I began to tell Terri that I was beginning to tire of not only talking about him but writing about him as well. I still had this overwhelming urge to keep these stupid journals about him and I had sworn to burn them once I bought my house. She told me that it was actually a good idea that I have a plan for what I’m going to do with them and not keep them forever. She also began to breakdown every aspect of my time with Lestat and make me see what he’d done to me all these years. During this time I was at the end of my ever fraying rope with Lestat and our toxic, twisted, dysfunctional, emotionally draining relationship.
It was August of 2018 he had gone to San Antonio five times since he said he’d bought a house “for his kids” which was about four month prior. Not only was he buying a house, he was having it built to his specifications, because he’s a fucking control freak and obsessive compulsive asshole. His kids are grown ass adults but in spite of his son owning his own business and his daughter being a sophomore at UTSA, and he still supported them financially (both of them). Something that the motherfucker couldn’t do for me when I needed a little help. And I don’t mean support in the sense that I sat around the house watching Netflix all day doing nothing. I mean helping me when my power got cut off in the middle of summer. Or paying my rent for a few months while I caught up on my bills. Or hell, letting me stay in one of his rental properties for a year while I saved money to become financially stable. Yes, he has rental properties but never offered me any kind of “real” help. I say real because as Terri pointed out, his type of help came few and far between and it was for his benefit and not mine. When I explained to her how he bought me appliances for my apartment and how he fixed up that apartment she explained what he did and why he did it.
She said he could have bought me those appliances himself after all he’s a landlord and he’s buying appliances for his properties all the time. The reason he didn’t was because he didn’t want any kind of trail, monetary or otherwise to connect him to me so he asked me to go and get an account with Lowes. He fixed up the apartment to make himself comfortable while he visited me every Saturday for two years. Terri mentioned that if he really wanted to help me he wouldn’t have made it so hard for me, he would have just done it, period. She asked me to think about all the times I spend trying to justify his bad behavior, making excuses for him and why he didn’t get a divorce, thinking he would change. She also told me that even though after every breakup, I secretly wanted him to text or call and when he did it was just co-dependent behavior on my end. She said that him communicating with me made me feel wanted, after everything he’d put me through, this was the misery I was addicted to.
She explained that after every time we’d separate he would actuall try and make his marriage work, it didn’t matter if he loved his stupid wife or not. Terri said that he would leave me with full intentions of working on his relationship with Fiona. Only to realize that he was the only one that was trying because Fiona didn’t think she had to anymore, he “trained” her so she didn’t have to try. After each and every try, which lasted either a couple of days or a week at the most, he’d see that it was futile in nature and then he’d call or text me because he indeed realized (yet again) the person he was married to was like staring into that airline toilet seat, round, hollow, uninteresting and full of shit. She explained that is the reason he was always the one to initiate communication with me, because I was the most interesting person he knew and without me in his life he had nothing but money in the bank and Fiona Shrek at home with the IQ of a river rock. This took a while to sink in as I thought he’d always call because he actually loved me. She said he probably does love me, but as she explained before he wasn’t sure he wanted to find out if I’d stick around or leave knowing I might get bored of him, you know, like I am now.
As I thought back on all those things I remembered, his biggest fear was for me or anyone actually, was to think of him as a bad guy. He would always say “I know I’m a good guy, I work hard and make an honest living” but little did he realize that he was the worst of the worst. His ideas of what type of person he is, was distorted and warped, just like a narcissistic emotional vampire thinks of himself. For example, this “good guy” would ask me get down to pay/pump gas in my car (when we were using my car to avoid using his truck so he wouldn’t get recognized) while he stayed in the car waiting for me. He said that would make him feel like a complete dick because he was worried about what people at the other gas pumps would think. Well guess what? He was/is a complete dick! It was all about appearances, that’s how an emotional vampire thinks. He would continually say that he knew his worth that he never did anything dishonest but I knew him way better than he realized. I began to see the small and dishonest things he’d do and that carefully sculptured façade began to crack. One Saturday morning while we were sitting outside underneath my back porch taking in the summer sun and playing chess, we got to talking about everything we’d been through together.
It was a bad habit we had when one or both of us felt tension in our not-so-perfect relationship. Let me explain how fragile his ego really is, we got into the habit of playing chess for fun and it soon turned into a knock-down, drag-out type of competition. We both got good at chess (well as good as one can get playing with the same person over and over) and he would win the majority of the time. But when I would beat him, he’d give up and he wouldn’t want to keep playing. Terri explained that it was his ego taking a beating and he didn’t want to go through that more times than he had to. So we began to remember when we’d first met and how we’d gotten to that point in our lives etc. Then I mentioned (casually, I really didn’t think about it) that he’d treated me bad on more than a couple of occasions in spite of his “good guy” persona. The look on his face changed and I mean drastically, he actually looked surprised, shocked and in utter disbelief that those words had come out of my mouth.
He stopped dead in his tracks and just sat there, no words, silent as if engrossed by the very idea that he could have possibly treated me bad, imagine that? I could tell he was having a hard time believing it because according to him he’s never been anything but generous and loving towards me. Boy was this a wakeup call and the emotional vampire did not like it one bit and by this point in my therapy with Terri, I didn’t care what he thought or believed. The silence was unbelievably awkward. Finally he went back to our chess game but after that day, I could tell he was still thinking about what I had said.
Three days later came the culmination of all the emotional turmoil and thunderous explosion that was my now jaded and angry heart. He had asked if I could take a couple of days of vacation leave so we could spend those days together. I stupidly said yes and then he said we could go to a hotel like we use to when we first met and spend those days alone with no interruptions or distractions (which I’m assuming he meant my son who lived with me). So, as usual I made the hotel reservations and planned out our three days there. Then the day before we were scheduled to go to the hotel he said he wouldn’t be able to go the first day because of some stupid awards ceremony he had to attend with Fiona that idiot denim skirt wearing mental midget. I got angry and yelled at him asking why he’d wanted me to ask for vacation days if he was going to skip out on me the very first day!
He apologized and said his stupid wife told him at the very last minute, and I thought okay no problem I’ll spend that day at the hotel enjoying the pool and having a bottle of wine. So the next day he calls me at 6am (waking me up of course) to ask what I wanted for breakfast. I told him that I would get ready so we could go OUT for breakfast and he told me he couldn’t because he didn’t want to be seen by anyone that knows his wife. That was it, I blew up I no longer had the patience to comply with his stupid requests and I told him that if he wasn’t going to be able to take me to breakfast then I would go alone and hung up on him. I got ready and I had forgotten I had already told him which hotel I was at and the room number. As I finished dressing there was a knock on my door and all I flinched, feel regret at giving him the hotel info.
He kept knocking and when I did open the door as I was on my way out, as I walked passed him he grabbed my arm and said “Where are you going?” I responded “Breakfast” and kept walking to my car. He stood there not knowing what to do, but I sure as hell knew that this was going to be the very last time he or any man would do this to me. I drove away not really knowing what was going through his mind. As I drove into the Denny’s parking lot I found out, it seems emotional vampires don’t like it when you ignore them or spoil their plans. I had walked into the Denny’s and had been seated when I saw him walk in after me. He sat down at the booth and I asked him “What do you want Lestat? Why don’t you go home and waste your wife’s time” again he looked surprised.
The waitress had come to take my order and he had asked for coffee, I sighed loudly and looked at him and then he asked me “What’s wrong with you? Why are you acting like this?” I found this funny because I knew there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with me. Well, except for being with him that is. I just proceeded to put creamer in my coffee and look up at him while I took my very first sip. He kept asking me over and over and I kept ignoring him and finally I said “Well it seems that you didn’t recognize anyone that might know your wife and you didn’t melt into the booth. It’s occurred to me that you are a fucking coward!” He looked up and it was almost the same look that he’d given me when I told him he’d treated me bad that day playing chess. His eyes were intently focused on mine and I kept on saying “So, since we both know you’re a fucking cheating, lying asshole of a coward what do you have to say to that Mr. Good, Hardworking Guy?”
He knew exactly why I had said that and he looked around the restaurant as if to make sure there was really no one he knew then responded with “All I’ve ever done is love you! I’m tired of you telling me I haven’t helped you!” I laughed out loud and said “Then I think you and I have two vastly different ideas of what love and help are” and he looked down at his coffee and said “Let’s just go back to the hotel and we’ll talk there.” I said that I wasn’t going to let him into the hotel room and he was just going to have to go home to his idiot wife and spend what remained of my two vacation days at home, with his “soul mate.” I got up and paid for my breakfast and walked out, he followed and in the parking lot of the Denny’s of Montana and Airway Blvd the emotional explosion I knew was bound to happen, happened.
As he followed me to my car and he said “You have no idea what I’ve been through to be with you!” I turned around and before my brain could react, my body did, closing my fist into a ball of hormonal rage and I punched him so hard I could hear my hand striking his face, it wasn’t a slap it was a fucking punch. The giant opal and sterling silver ring I was wearing scratched him, his cheek, nose and the top of his lip.
He looked back at me with that ‘I can’t believe you just did that’ look and I finally found my voice, I had finally allowed my brain to do the talking instead of my heart and yelled at him “I have NO fucking idea what YOU’VE been through?!?! You selfish, self-centered BASTARD! How dare you stand there and lecture me on what YOU’VE been through!! You have no idea what it’s like to sacrifice your entire life for twenty fucking years for a selfish man! Then for him to tell you that he isn’t going to be able to be with you because he’s too materialistic to get a fucking divorce!! You are a goddamned COWARD, you’re a lying, cheating piece of shit and I am no longer going to allow you to play me anymore!
Listen here cupcake, if you EVER and I do mean EVER contact me again I will make sure that your wife knows about us. I will make sure that she knows every sordid detail of your twenty year relationship with your girlfriend AND I will tell her that you’ve fucked around with three of her friends and several of her coworkers. I know where you live, your home number, I know her email address, her cell phone number and where she works and know her office number as well! So forget EVERYTHING you’ve ever known about me, or what I would do for you because all of that shit is gone motherfucker. You killed my love, my devotion, my pride and my self-respect so I have nothing and I do mean NOTHING to lose by letting your wife know about you and me!! So don’t you fucking underestimate what I will do if you ever try to contact me again!!!! I don’t love you anymore, I don’t give a flying fuck what happens to you, you ugly stupid kids or your insipid brain dead wife! I can and will ruin your life so bad it will make losing half your assets in a divorce seem like a goddamned day at Disneyland!!!
He stood there, red in the face where I had punched him as a couple of spectators watched from the front door of the Denny’s. I was filled with rage, and he genuinely looked hurt both emotionally and physically and I knew he knew I was serious about everything I had said. At this point in my life I would and could make him suffer for everything he’d put me through and he definitely knew I had nothing to lose. I unlocked my car and drove back to the hotel and that’s when I broke down, the emotional whirlwind that occurred in the parking lot of the Denny’s had finally caught up with me. As the rage subsided all I did was cry, I cried more that day than I had in my entire lifetime. I didn’t leave the hotel room for the two remaining days, all I did was sleep and get up for water and go right back to sleep.
I knew cutting ties with him was going to have to happen in an emotionally violent way, which was the only way he was going to understand I was serious and that this was the end. I also knew that calling him a coward was going to help in cutting those ties and having them stay that way, no chance of him trying to come back, text me or call me at work. That was the ultimate one-two punch, as an emotional vampire with an over inflated ego and very proud of who he “believed” he was, the unmasking and forcing him to look into the mirror was going to hit him hard. I think the first time I saw his vulnerability that day playing chess, telling him he’d treated me bad and then verbalizing to him his cowardice and emotional manipulation was the final blow and the emotional vampire was finally exposed to the sun and began to burn away, like ash.
I also knew that to be able to finally be free of him, I mean really free I was going to have to resort to telling him I would expose his infidelity to his wife as well as letting him know I had proof of the twenty years we spent together. When I loved him, it never crossed my mind to ever hurt him or destroy the life he had at home, but I now longer loved him and thanks to Terri I was able to accept that. I’m not going to say that it didn’t hurt, but he hurt me more by stringing me along for twenty years just to feed his emotional sucking, self-serving ego.
That day was a long time in the making and although I didn’t really intend to do it that day or that particular way, there was a sense of relief. I felt the emotional baggage lift and there was no more black cloud of insecurity or indecision looming over me. Instead what was left was the void that was filled by Lestat and his scheduled time with me. There was emptiness now where he used to be, but to be honest there was nothing there before, not really. Even though I knew I was over him, that I was no longer in love with Lestat there was that space with nothing in it. A vast gaping vacuum of time and I had nothing to fill it with but one day Terri suggested I start to write and I told her I was exhausted about writing about Lestat and didn’t want to start another journal. She said “Not a journal, how about you start a blog?” I looked at her with that look you give someone when you think their bat-shit crazy. She said that starting a blog would help with that void of time and also provide an additional source of therapy. I asked her “Where the fuck would I even begin to blog about being the mistress of a married man?” She answered “Start at the beginning and the rest will come as you keep writing.”
It’s going on six months since that day in the Denny’s parking lot and I had written what I believed to be a novel about a mistress and her married boyfriend and everything that had happened in their twenty year relationship. When I decided to start my blog I broke down what I had written in my journals and the so-called “novel” about Lestat and myself. I told Terri I felt a bit guilty writing about him and she told me to stop trying to redeem him in any way and since he was no longer a factor in my life I could call him by another name. So I decided on Lestat because that’s who he reminds me of, Lestat de Lioncourt from an Interview with a Vampire. That narcissistic, self-serving, vain asshole who did nothing but make Louis’ life a living hell for what remained of his mortal life and the rest of his eternal one. So Claudia takes a stand, slits his throat and then Louis and Claudia feed him to the alligators in the swamp, believing this was a way of ridding themselves of Lestat. Doing what I did, in a sense was metaphorically feeding him to the alligators, except in public, at the Denny’s.
She finally convinced me to start my blog by saying (and I quote) “Lestat won’t realize anytime soon what he’s done to you because that’s who he is, he is only ever going to care about himself while he’s young enough where he thinks he can go out and find another mistress. You on the other hand can villainize him anonymously through your blog and only those close to you will know who he really is, and believe me that’s enough for people to make a connection. But it’s not really villanizing someone when everything they’ve done is true. Lestat’s wife lives blissfully unaware of what he’s done and how that will impact their marriage in the long run. When he’s old and his memory is fading the only sure thing he’ll remember is you and that day in the parking lot because then and only then will he finally realize you were the one that got away, that you were the spectacular woman he let slip through his hands. When he’s bored to death of talking and dealing with his wife, which will happen sooner than you think, he will remember everything you ever did for him and for his sake. But like with all emotional vampires they will only realize when it’s too late and THAT is what will finally kill them.”
Terri helped me learn a very important lesson, relationship addicts are just as susceptible to falling off the wagon as drug addicts. But I also realized that we will never really get rid of our demons (chemical or human) we simply need to learn to live above them. That is the key to survival. Stay tuned for Part 26……