Part 6…….A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Ball

“Like Mom Said, You can’t Polish a Turd” – Unknown

Waldo was just one in a string of faux Charming’s, although I had always known that I was always going to measure every man I met against the supposed “love of my life” Lestat.  This was because he was the first man I had fallen in love with as an adult.  I also knew this wasn’t going to be fair to any man who might be a potential love interest.  The fact that I was able to acknowledge this was a huge personal breakthrough.  After which I knew I had to do something to try and change it.  So with my new found knowledge and after the horrific Waldo episode, I set out to work on my Lestat issues.  But not before he and I reconciled once more and we resumed our dysfunctional relationship for the fourth hundredth time.  I know some of you are thinking, what about his wife?  Where was she during all of the drama going on with the two of you?  Well, she was there in his legitimate life playing the perfect wife and mother to his two kids, even though she was far from being a good wife.

During our temporary reconciliation, he had decided to tell me about a note that he had found in his wife’s purse from some guy who was the manager of a local children’s pizza place (that was the best this inept, vapid bitch could do, a guy who managed a kids pizza place, I mean was the mofo all of 25 years old?) and he confronted her about it (I mean not really confronted because he had said he didn’t really care, but was curious as to who this guy was). When he handed her the note she became so nervous that she began to shake.  He said it was almost amusing to see her fumble for words (yeah like she’d never done that before and she’s a goddamned English teacher!) and then she finally told him she was seeing some guy named Rick.  It turns out that Fiona was having an affair (wait it gets better) and they spoke about it and he told her that she could keep on seeing this guy.  That’s right, Lestat the emotional vampire actually gave Fiona the butt ugly English teacher permission to have an affair!

It gets way better than that, he told her that he wanted to meet this guy as to make sure he wouldn’t cause any problems for him or their kids, who were still children at this time.  I sat there in shock as he explained what had happened while we were apart.  He told me that they all met at an Applebee’s, okay first of all I can’t believe this Rick dude agreed to meet with Lestat the Vampire, because (get this) Rick the children’s Pizza Place guy was MARRIED!!!  Fiona Shrek was having an affair with a married pizza restaurant manager.  As I looked at him in disbelief he continued to tell me that for five months this affair went on.  He had agreed to take care of the kids while Fiona went out to get porked by Rick the married pizza parlor manager.  Then he told me that his wife must have felt bad about this because she was trolling me on the internet to find my number.  She knew he had been seeing me when they had agreed to separate while they were expecting their second child, remember that?

He said she would find random women with my first and last name give him phone numbers she thought might me mine so he could call me.  It was like the bitch was giving him permission so see me because she had a distraction and didn’t want him to give her any shit about it I suppose.  One night they were in the middle of having an argument and she approached him with yet another name and number in hand, he said that he eventually blew up at her, because after all I had a boyfriend at the time and he yelled at her saying “What the fuck am I supposed to do with this!?  You made me come back because you said we’d raise the kids together and that’s what I did.  I gave up a relationship with someone I actually cared about to come back here and deal with you and your bullshit and now your giving me permission to call her?  She’s probably married or moved away so what the FUCK do you want me to do with this?!?!?!”  He said the look she gave him was of actual surprise and shock, that she acted confused (acting confused? really? this was her perpetual state of mind) and that she responded to him with “you cared about her? I thought you came back because you wanted to try and make our marriage work?”  I mean how the hell can you actually say this to your husband while you’re having an affair with a married man yourself?  How hypocritical is this broad really?

It seemed strange that after our relationship implosion, and his faux reconciliation with her and he “allowed” her to have a boyfriend while they were married.  He mentioned to me that had we been still seeing each other maybe the outcome would have been different.  And I asked him what he meant by that.  He said that if he and I had been together at the time her having a kids pizza place manager boyfriend, he would have been able to see me openly.  Now I know that this was nothing but emotional manipulation from this emotional vampire and his wife would have reneged on any kind of agreement when she began to see how serious we might have become.  I told him that the minute that that pizza joint manager found out what a true idiot his wife was, he’d leave her because he’d just get bored like Lestat had become with this insipid woman.  And then she’d demand for him to stop seeing me and he would have done it because she kept his balls in her purse.  Of course he didn’t like that but emotional vampires usually don’t like it when you use their own tactics against them or tell them the truth.

Yeah I’m still confused about this myself but this is what he told me, not that I believe him now because as I mentioned he’s a fucking emotional sucking liar.  So I don’t know exactly how much of this part of his explanation is true but it doesn’t matter because this happened about thirteen years into our off and on, dysfunctional relationship and at the time I was with someone else (even though it was Waldo, yuck).  Maybe it was fate that was making him go through this particular emotional upheaval because of everything he made me go through, who knows.  I mean Fiona knew he was dating me when they were separated because they had agreed to separate even if she was pregnant.  We’d never really seen each other (Fiona and I) and that was fine with me because what I had imagined she looked like and what she really looked like was going to keep me wondering even more about why he hadn’t divorced her stupid ass.

After about fifteen years with Lestat, I began to wonder about this woman he refused to divorce.  Actually I never asked him to divorce her because he told me way back in the past (you remember when he told me he never promised me anything or would never fight for me?) he’d leave her when his kids were out of high school, that wasn’t a promise, right?  But that wasn’t entirely why I never pressured him.  Even after all the years he spend dragging my heart around I not once did what other women might have done and that was to confront his wife about us.  Why didn’t I?  Because back then I was too in love to jeopardize the dysfunctional balance of the warped relationship we had.  I could have, I knew where she worked and lived, I knew her private and work emails as well as her cell phone and work numbers.  I also knew where her parents lived and their home phone number as well.  I know I sound like a delusional stalker but I came across all of this information because of Lestat.  Not because I was trolling her on the internet or shit like that.

He, without realizing it would inadvertently give me important information like that and I remembered every single piece of it.  He’d always complain about having to go to his in-laws house to fix things for them, or spend holidays with them.  He voiced how he hated interacting with them, but he justified this as “they’re my kid’s grandparents and they have taken really good care of my children that’s why I do it.”  Which to me was another load of pure bullshit because even though my in-laws were good to my boys, after I separated from my ex-husband I refused to interact with my monster-in-law because she was a domineering, controlling, emotional manipulating bitch who used religion to justify her attitude.  But then again, I realize now I have more balls than Lestat does in this special case.  He was “acting” like the perfect father and husband.  I refused to act for anyone even my boys, it makes me feel like a hypocrite, but that’s just me.

One day the curiosity got the best of me and I found myself looking at her Facebook page and I saw a picture of her and her mother.  She was nothing like what I imagined her to be, because the younger me, the one that had met Lestat when I was twenty-nine and he was thirty-six, that me actually felt bad for her.  That’s right, I felt bad for that Fiona Shrek looking bitch, and yes I know that we’re not supposed to judge but I’ll explain why I formed this opinion of her.  The picture I found was nowhere what I imaged her to look like.  Because I knew her husband exceptionally well (probably better than she ever had) I just assumed that she’d be this tall, gorgeous looking blonde woman who looked more like Christie Brinkley, not Fiona Shrek.

Instead she turned out to be this short, fat woman with thick glasses a lazy eye, or mild ptosis (you know what the actor Forest Whitaker has going on with his eye) and a huge muffin top and the worst sense of fashion a woman can possibly have.  She also had colored her hair a fake blonde, I could tell because her roots were showing in the picture and the bitch is definitely a brunette.   She smiled happily in the picture with the ugly woman beside her that I would eventually find out was her mother (who had unbelievably huge man hands, I mean they look like fucking claws for god-sake) the apple didn’t fall from the tree in this genetic gene pool and hit every ugly stick on the way down, for both of them.  They both had that all gum, horse tooth smile that is more gum than teeth and is very unsettlingly creepy to look at.  At the time she was a fourth grade English teacher and she wore a lot of denim, and I mean a lot of denim that mainly consisted of vests and long, ankle length skirts with dozens of iron on appliques that had sequence and/or lace and shit on it.

I stared in amazement at this picture of his wife I said out loud “well no wonder he has me in his life”.  She wore ugly sensible shoes, even (dare I say it) Crocs, ewww, just writing this I want to throw up.   I suppose that my opinion of her is quite judgmental but there isn’t really any other way to see her.  I had the man I thought I wanted at the time, and he decided to go back to her so they could “raise” their kids together and this left me where?  I had asked him how in the hell he found her attractive, and he didn’t respond.  He just sat there and stared at me, then I said “Oh well you know what they say?  You can’t polish a turd.”

I found myself still in love with a stupid, selfish man who wanted to have his cake and eat it to, to have the best of both worlds.  Little did he know that’s not how this works and it seemed that he did wind up getting everything he wanted in the end.  But Karma is a bitch and she has plans for men like Lestat and women like his wife and in turn I suppose for me as well.  All I had to do was sit back and watch their false marriage implode or help it along with emotional munitions like confronting her with all the information about our fifteen year affair.  Because before her affair with Rick the Married Children’s Pizza Place manager, she believed that he went back to her to “work” on their marriage.  I really should have been angry at him rather than her, but I saw her as “the” reason why he decided to end our relationship and go back home to a marriage he said was already beyond repair.  But he really didn’t end our relationship did he?  No he continued to keep me hidden in the shadows of his life, and I allowed him to do so.

After I found out what she looked like, I tried to image how in the fuck he wound up marrying this woman since she seemed so far removed from what he said he was attracted to or what he liked.  Then one day he told me.  Stay tuned for part seven….